Nukume Dori
by Leareth

Chapter Thirteen

In the days that followed Subaru surprised himself by realising that now that it was over he was on the whole rather calm about his confrontation with Seishirou. Inadvertent and frightening as it had been, there was something cathartic about finally throwing away all the pretence and facing Seishirou as himself, and also something of a relief to know that he didn't have to hide from Seishirou anymore. On the other hand Subaru doubted that Seishirou felt the same way, and he couldn't but wonder just how close to disaster he had come that night in the teacher's office. He had the uneasy suspicion that it was far closer than he would be happy knowing, a suspicion that was only confirmed as the bruises Seishirou had left on his throat purpled and forced him into scarves and high-necked jumpers. Thankfully it was winter so Hokuto never really questioned his choice of clothing, either that or she was still too gleeful over the news that Subaru had finally managed to confess his feelings to Seishirou to wonder why her twin brother seemed to be feeling the cold more than usual.

Perhaps wisely, during this time Subaru for most part left Seishirou alone. No matter how well the man pretended otherwise Subaru knew that Seishirou was not happy with the idea of having gone back in time, or the fact that Subaru had known his true identity for months, and their dinner that fateful evening had been something of an interrogation for Subaru as Seishirou questioned him about the time reversal, the two Kamui, Hokuto's death and more. Subaru had answered everything as well as he could, all the while painfully aware that Seishirou could decide it would be more prudent to kill him now than later, and afterwards judged it probably better to give Seishirou space to think it all through. Admittedly there was some self-preservation behind this decision – Subaru strongly suspected that injured pride had been a large part of Seishirou's initial attack – and Bet or not it would do no good to provoke the assassin any further. Best to leave things alone, Subaru told himself nervously, and wait until Seishirou was ready to come to him because as thrilling as it was to know that finally he had managed to shake up the Sakurazukamori, anger was not the emotion Subaru wanted to wake in his hunter. Unfortunately, the emotion he did want Seishirou to feel seemed to be the one Seishirou was determined to ignore. Of all the questions Seishirou had asked over dinner that night, not a single one of them had been about how Subaru loved him.

Subaru told himself this was all right. After all, he had dumped a lot of information onto Seishirou, and in Seishirou's mind the fact that his prey had fallen in love with him probably paled in importance next to the revelation that time could and had been twisted and flipped. The fact that Subaru remembered everything whereas Seishirou remembered nothing didn't help either, and Subaru was sure that the Sakurazukamori did not like his new disadvantage one bit – presuming he believed Subaru in the first place. However, as time went on and Hokuto kept teasing the two of them, patience was soon outweighed by frustration, especially since when he and Seishirou did meet (admittedly with Hokuto in close attendance) Seishirou behaved as if nothing had happened. Oh for sure, the Sakurazukamori was now watching Subaru very carefully and had acquired a touch of wariness in his attitude, but other than that it seemed like it made no difference to Seishirou that Subaru had said to him, "I love you."

Perhaps it didn't.

 

* * *

 

"Joyful, joyful we adore thee …"

Subaru gave a smile that was only partly forced as he watched Hokuto flit atop the low wall of the sidewalk's water feature, the white puff on the end of her Santa hat bouncing in tune with her singing. Behind him, a dark figure against Shinjuku's galaxy of fairy lights, Seishirou was following the two of them like a watchful shadow. A casual observer might have thought that Seishirou was lagging, but Subaru had noticed nowadays that Seishirou always took care to walk last so as to avoid turning his back on his prey. Subaru had found it nerve-racking the first couple of days, but by now the nervousness had turned into impatience. It didn't look like Seishirou was going to stop anytime soon, though.

"…fill us with the light of day!" Hokuto punctuated the last note by hopping back onto the path in front of her brother and performing a pirouette. "Hm, I think that settles it!" she announced.

"What's settled?" asked Subaru as he caught up with her.

"My shoes! If I can dance and jump off ledges in them, I know for certain that they're a good buy!"

"Oh, you have new shoes, Hokuto-chan?" Quiet footsteps brought Seishirou up to Subaru's shoulder, making Subaru fractionally tense even though he knew the Sakurazukamori was hardly going to do anything on a busy street. "What kind are they?"

With a grin Hokuto struck a pose to show off a pair of shiny black shoes decorated with plastic holly at the buckle and thick soles that tapered up to slim heel. They gave Hokuto at least two extra inches of height and looked to Subaru to be the most impractical footwear for a girl to walk in let alone dance. "Black patent leather platform heels from a little shop in Omotesando," she announced proudly. "I added the decorations myself to keep in the spirit of the night, aren't they gorgeous?"

"Very adorable." Seishirou's voice didn't hold the slightest hint of condescension. "Dare I ask how much?"

The grin on Hokuto's face grew coy. "Forty thousand yen."

"Forty thousand?" Subaru's jaw dropped; after all, he was the one working.

"They were on sale!" defended Hokuto, as if the word sale said everything – Subaru didn't want to ask how much the shoes were at full price. "You have to look at these things as a future investment, Subaru. If I buy a few expensive but very good quality shoes that I take care of and wear for years, it's better than buying lots of cheap shoes which don't fit as well and get worn out after only a few months. Besides," she added, grin widening. "I absolutely love these heels! Ohohoho!"

Inwardly Subaru sighed; given how pleased Hokuto looked with herself there was no point trying to argue. Resignedly he watched as his twin sister happily tapped out a few impromptu dance steps adroitly avoiding other pedestrians along the path, a young girl already envisioning her future—

"Why haven't you told her still?" asked Seishirou quietly.

"Eh?" Subaru glanced questioningly over his shoulder.

Lights glinted off Seishirou's glasses as he watched Hokuto. "Hokuto-chan obviously doesn't know about me and you're still wearing the gloves," he said, voice low enough for only Subaru to hear. In front of them Hokuto had been distracted by a shop's window display. "I would have thought that of all people your sister deserves to be told about the situation, especially about me."

Subaru's jaw tightened. "I told you, it's better this way," he retorted under his breath. "There's no reason for her to know that you murdered her that past time, and I'm hoping she'll never have to. In any case she doesn't have anything to do with the Final Day."

"So you say." There was a dark smile in the Sakurazukamori's voice. "I wonder, though – is keeping Hokuto-chan ignorant better for her or for you?"

Immediately Subaru stiffened. Before he could say anything, but, Hokuto had run back up to them calling, "Hey, look what I found!"

She came to a breathless stop in front of her brother. In her hand she brandished a sprig of small green leaves with white berries like a scattering of seed pearls. It wasn't any kind of plant Subaru was familiar with, and the high gloss betrayed it as being a plastic replica. "What's that?" he asked her, trying to sound nonchalant. Seishirou, he noticed, had likewise taken the unspoken cue to revert behind his veterinarian's façade, pretence now practice for them both.

Hokuto beamed at him. "I pulled it off the wreath decoration over there," she explained, nodding at the closed door of the shop she had been looking at earlier. "It's mistletoe. Do you know about mistletoe?"

"It's a parasite," said Seishirou cheerfully. "It feeds off a host tree and if there's a really large infestation the tree will be killed. Also the berries are poisonous."

"Aw, don't be morbid Sei-chan, I meant in Christmas! Well, Subaru?"

"Ah …" Subaru trailed off, realising that his twin had that grin which implied that she was leading up to a particularly good bout of teasing. Unfortunately Subaru had yet to figure out a way to cleanly avoid her. "It's a Christmas decoration?"

Hokuto's grin grew wider. "It's for kissing."

Predictably Subaru felt his face heat; already he could see where this was going. Also predictably Seishirou went right along with the joke. "Oh, that," he said, affecting chagrin. "Yes, mistletoe is associated with Christmas in the West, the tradition being that whenever people meet under the mistletoe they must kiss each other."

"In other words, Subaru," said Hokuto, climbing back onto the ledge in her high heels and stretching out to hold the mistletoe above her twin's head, "you now have to kiss Sei-chan!"

"Wh-what?" Subaru gaped up at his sister and the plastic plant hanging over him like a portent of doom. "You can't be serious!"

"Aw, come on, Subaru! It's very important for girls to have a romantic Christmas Eve with someone special, but since I am quite happily enjoying my single status and have many years before I'm considered Christmas cake, you two have to make up for it tonight!"

"But we're on a public street! There are people everywhere!"

"You're standing under mistletoe and it's Christmas. In any case," she glanced meaningfully at Seishirou who was trying to look innocent, "haven't the two of you already admitted that you love each other?"

Inwardly Subaru groaned – of course, it was inevitable that Hokuto bring that up. Ever since his sister had found out about his confession (though not the circumstances) her teasing had started to include dares and challenges for him and Seishirou to be more romantic. So far her only success was getting the two of them to hold hands a couple of days ago, and that had only happened because Subaru had absent-mindedly gone to cross a road before the lights changed and Seishirou had grabbed his hand to pull him out of the way of an on-coming car. Upon Hokuto's exuberant insistence Seishirou had kept hold of him but they only managed to walk a block hand-in-hand before the curious and questioning looks from passer-bys got too much for Subaru. It hadn't helped that Seishirou treated the whole thing like an indulgence for Hokuto either. "That's beside the point," said Subaru, trying to keep his patience. "Christmas or not it's ridiculous that Seishirou-san and I should have to do this just because of a bit of imitation plant."

"Don't be such a wet blanket! I don't see Sei-chan protesting, do you?"

Somewhat apprehensively, Subaru looked towards Seishirou. The man seemed to be pondering the issue with great deliberation. "Subaru-kun is right, we are in public and Japan doesn't condone that kind of behaviour," he said, and for a moment Subaru thought he was safe. "Then again …"

It happened too fast, and with all the lethal skill Subaru remembered from their duels in the Final Year. Subaru yelped as he was suddenly swept off-balance, the city lights spinning kaleidoscopically in the night sky for a moment, and before he knew it he was dipped backwards over Seishirou's arm with the man's smiling face mere inches above his own. "Then again," the Sakurazukamori whispered, "that's what makes it all the more fun, right?"

Furiously Subaru blushed; he could hear Hokuto cheering in the background and worse still were the footsteps of passing people, but all of that paled in the face of the position he was now in. Seishirou's right arm was wrapped around his shoulders, and he could feel a bent knee taking his weight beneath his thighs while for some reason Seishirou's other hand had ended up on his hip. Even through the layers of winter clothing the intimacy burned. "What are you doing?" Subaru hissed, trying to ignore the way his heart was racing. "There are people watching!"

"So?" Amber eyes laughed down at him and Subaru couldn't help but shiver beneath their scrutiny. "No one knows who we are; all they see are two random people behaving inappropriately. Besides," Seishirou added, bending his head closer, "aren't you in love with me?"

Subaru froze. Then he angrily hauled himself upright and shoved Seishirou aside. For a moment vertigo claimed him, making his escape more of a stumble, but he quickly recovered and, breathing hard, managed to summon an indignant glare.

Inscrutably Seishirou stared back at him.

A click of heels offside signalled that Hokuto had stepped down from her perch. "All right, you two," she said lightly, but Subaru could hear a hard undercurrent in her voice. "Enough's enough; you've made your point. I said enough, there's nothing to see!" This last was brusquely called out towards a gaggle of office workers who were whispering and pointing but quickly fled Hokuto's glare. Hokuto tucked the plastic mistletoe into her bag; when she faced Subaru and Seishirou once more there was an affected smile on her face. "Hey, I've got some new tea today, why don't the three of us go back and try it?"

"Thanks, but I'm afraid I'll have to decline," said Seishirou, speaking casually though he never took his eyes off Subaru. "It's Tuesday tomorrow and I have an operation scheduled in the morning for a cat, so I should really be heading home for an early night."

"Oh, but, Sei-chan—"

"No buts, Hokuto-chan, I need to be completely alert for tomorrow's work." Seishirou went to give Hokuto a friendly pat on the shoulder that did nothing to mollify her pout. "I'll talk to you soon. Oh, and Subaru-kun?"

The sound of his name spoken like that, so like their confrontations during the Final Year, made Subaru jump, just a little. "Yes?"

A flickered smirk. "Good night."

With that Seishirou began to walk away, slipping between the crowds without backwards glance. Subaru watched him go, hands slowly unclenching as it became obvious Seishirou wasn't going to turn around, and wished it didn't hurt so much watching him leave. On another level, but, he was rather glad of it, and he didn't bother trying to hide the long sigh he gave when Seishirou finally disappeared from view. Subaru turned and walked in the opposite direction. And I thought things between us couldn't get any more difficult …

There was the sound of a throat being cleared. "All right, out with it," said Hokuto.

"Eh?" Subaru glanced at his sister keeping pace beside him. "Out with what?"

"Don't play dumb, you know exactly what I'm talking about. What's going on with you and Sei-chan?"

Of course, it would be too much to ask that Hokuto be blind to what was going on. "Do we have to talk about this?" asked Subaru plaintively.

"Yes, we do." They reached an intersection and Hokuto pressed the walk button, rocking a little in her shoes. "It's been almost a week since you admitted to Sei-chan you love him, but from what I've seen it looks more like you guys had a fight. What happened? Don't tell me Sei-chan turned you down."

Had a fight. Subaru couldn't help smiling humourlessly at that, though the expression disappeared quickly enough. "He didn't turn me down," he said shortly. "But I think he's still coming to terms with it."

"What do you mean, 'coming to terms'? He's been chasing you since practically the day you met, by any logic he should be over the moon to know that you return his feelings! Unless—" She broke off.

"Unless what?" pressed Subaru.

"Don't worry about it."

"Unless what, Hokuto-chan?"

There was a pause as Hokuto chewed her lip for a moment. "Unless it means that Sei-chan is surprised that you're taking him seriously, which raises the question of whether he's been serious all this time about you in the first place," she said finally.

 

"I'll make a Bet with you …"

 

Subaru's lips tightened; the Bet, the Bet, always the Bet, and who knew what his chances were at the moment. For that matter, what kind of chance did he have when the judge was also a competitor? "Do you think that maybe all this time Seishirou-san has just been toying with my feelings?" he asked.

"If that's the case then I will personally dismember him from head to toe." The red light switched to blue and Subaru linked his arm with Hokuto's to prevent them from being separated in the crowd as they crossed. "Honestly, though, I can't say for certain – there are aspects of Sei-chan that worry me but think about it, Subaru, he's twenty-five, he should really be hanging out with people his own age but he spends all his time with us, you especially. He wouldn't do that if you didn't mean something to him even if you are making it difficult nowadays."

"Difficult?" Subaru stared at her. "What do you mean?"

"I mean that you don't seem to be making it any easier for Sei-chan to get close to you. Look at tonight – sure, you guys talked over dinner but it wasn't really deep talking, and as for the mistletoe thing, even if you don't like being teased the way you shoved Sei-chan away was almost like you didn't want him anywhere near you."

"I didn't—" Subaru caught himself, realising his voice was rising, and tried again. "I didn't mean it like that," he said under his breath. "I just wasn't comfortable with what he was doing."

"You weren't comfortable with how he was holding you in public or with the holding, period?"

"The holding in public, of course!"

"Are you sure?"

He hesitated. Thought about what Hokuto was talking about, how being touched by Seishirou made him shiver, the feel of the man's fingers around his throat … "All right, fine, I was uncomfortable with Seishirou-san holding me," he retorted, beginning to walk a little faster. "But given what he's done can you blame me?"

"Who said anything about blaming you? And what do you mean, what Sei-chan's done?" Suddenly Hokuto pulled her arm away from Subaru's and grabbed his shoulder, forcing him to stop and face her. "Did he do something to you?"

Subaru swallowed nervously under Hokuto's scrutiny, remembering the bones Seishirou had broken at the end of the Bet and the injuries of the Final Year, and wondered what she would say if instead of his face she could examine his heart. So many things he still couldn't tell her … "Seishirou-san hasn't done anything," he said, trying to sound as reassuring as possible because in a way it was true. "It's just … I don't know."

There was a long pause as Hokuto bit her lip and looked thoughtful. "Are you afraid of Sei-chan touching you?" she asked finally.

Startled at how Hokuto managed to encapsulate his unease so simply in words Subaru stared at her. Hokuto smiled. "It's frightening, isn't it, the idea of opening yourself to someone so completely, especially for you because as an onmyouji you always have to guard yourself. The question is, though, do you want Sei-chan to touch you?"

A slow warmth crept up Subaru's face. Inexplicably the first thing that came to mind was the moment after Hokuto's dinner when he had thought Seishirou was going to kiss him, which then led onto the kisses Seishirou had placed on his hands to reaffirm the marks there … they were moments of warmth in what for most part had been filled with imagination. But imagination was safe; it required no commitment and could generally be kept under control. The idea that his imaginings could now be reality sent a not entirely unpleasant thrill through him, something that Hokuto didn't miss. Her smile widened. "I take it you've thought about it, then?"

Subaru felt himself blush. "A little," he confessed.

"From your face I'm going to guess you've thought about it more than 'a little'." She poked his reddening cheek affectionately. "Don't worry, I won't ask details, but it's good to know you're not completely naïve."

"But what should I do?" asked Subaru urgently. "I mean, yes, I love Seishirou-san but I don't think I could do, well, anything like that."

Hokuto shrugged. "Take your time. You say he hasn't done anything yet, so that's a good sign. Just don't do anything before you're ready and feel comfortable. If Sei-chan feels anything for you he'll understand, and if and when something does happen you're just going to have to trust him." Subaru didn't reply to this, not entirely convinced, and Hokuto fell silent for a moment as she studied his face, the two of them a point of stillness in the milling crowd. Suddenly she said, "You know, Subaru, in a way you're really very lucky."

"Eh?"

"When you realised you loved Sei-chan, you accepted it completely and despite the doubts and problems you've never once thought that it might be better for you to move on. You know that Sakurazuka Seishirou is your special person. Do you have any idea how many people, even those in relationships, spend their entire lives looking for that certainty?"

Subaru didn't know what to say to this. There had been countless times in that past life after Hokuto's death where he had struggled to resolve the feelings he still kept for Seishirou, but despite his best efforts his love had stayed constant. More than that, as Hokuto said, he had never once contemplated the possibility of finding someone else to love; his heart, once given, could never be taken back, and for better or for worse he had given his heart to Seishirou. It was a fact he had died with once, now he had to live with it. Besides, hadn't he already resolved to win the Bet? "I suppose you're right," he said at last.

A slim hand was placed against his cheek. "Don't worry," said Hokuto quietly. "It's okay to be scared, but just think about it this way: relationships are all about give and take, and love is supposed to be unconditional, so if you love someone you have to give them to key to yourself otherwise what's the point?" Subaru gave a hesitant smile. "That's better. Now, I think Sei-chan has had more than enough time to think about what you've said to him, and if he's not going to make the first move you should stop waiting for him and take the initiative. Are you working tomorrow?"

"In the afternoon, but the job is out in Chiba so I'll take a while and be home late."

"So you can see Sei-chan in the morning. Go find him at work – at least there he can't really walk away from you again."

"All right." Walk away … Seishirou had been doing quite a bit of that lately, and it would be interesting to find out why. "Are you going to come?"

"Unlike some people I still go school, and even if I didn't I think you and Sei-chan should start working things out on your own. I won't always be around for you guys!"

Subaru's lips tightened—

 

"So, I want you to kill me."

 

—he turned away. "Yeah."

Hokuto didn't notice her brother's moment of morbidity. "On a completely different topic, I know we just spent money on dinner and all, but can we catch a taxi home?"

Subaru raised an eyebrow. "Why?"

"We-ell, my shoes are really starting to hurt."

"You mean the shoes you spent the equivalent of a week's rent on?"

"They're new shoes!" protested Hokuto, looking somewhat contrite. "I haven't broken them in properly yet!"

"Fine, fine." With an indulgent smile Subaru went to the curb and held out his hand to signal a driver. Being on a main road it didn't take long for a taxi to pull up, and Subaru gallantly opened the door for Hokuto. "Anything for my dearest sister."

"Not just your dearest sister, your only sister." Hokuto climbed in and told the driver their address, looking obviously relieved to be sitting down. "Also let's not forget your wonderfully fashionable sister, your absolutely brilliant sister …"

Subaru grinned as he shut the door behind him and joined in. "Domineering sister, loud sister …"

"… exuberant and cute sister …"

"… blunt with a weakness for sweets …"

The banter was kept up all the way home, probably much to the taxi driver's irritation, and out of guilt Subaru gave the man a tip at the end of the trip. Hokuto's sore feet had sufficiently recovered enough during the ride for her to race her brother to the elevator, and by the time Subaru managed to catch her the two of them were breathlessly laughing as if they were six instead of sixteen and playing tag in the family garden, something that only continued as having trapped his twin in the elevator Subaru attempted to tickle her.

"All right, fine, I give up!" Hokuto batted him away as the elevator sedately stopped on their floor. "I'm going to put the kettle on, when you get cleaned up come over and have some tea, okay?"

"Sure." Subaru got out his keys and went to open his apartment door, a mirror image of Hokuto doing the same behind him. "Give me about twenty minutes?"

"You know how long I take in the shower, make it thirty." Hokuto waved at him as she went into her apartment. "See you soon!"

With a click Hokuto's door closed, allowing silence to sweep back into the hallway it had so rudely been kicked out of. It brought a sudden calm, and Subaru smiled as he went into his own apartment marvelling at how much better he felt after all that silliness. Hokuto always knew how to cheer him up, he thought as he switched on the lights, and heaven knew he needed cheering up right now given how strained things were with Seishirou right now—

The door handle rattled and twisted. Subaru started as his front door suddenly burst open to reveal Hokuto still in her going-out clothes and feet in stockings. "Have you checked your phone messages yet?" she demanded.

"No, I haven't even changed my shoes, why?"

"Obaa-chama called. She wants us to go back to Kyōto."

 

* * *

 

Although the Sakurazuka veterinary clinic had a steady business it was never really busy, something Subaru had only noticed in this second chance at life. Determined to make good on his talk with Hokuto last night he had gone over just before noon, figuring that by then Seishirou would have finished most of his morning appointments and if need be they could talk through lunch. He was nervous, of course, something which only increased when the receptionist waved him through with an arch smile, but he expected that. Not that expecting to be nervous actually helped any, though at least he could prepare for it and plan out the bare bones of what he wanted to say – all of which went completely out of the window when he opened the surgery door and saw that Seishirou wasn't alone.

Subaru stared in shock. The woman was young and had long black hair neatly pinned up to reveal a graceful neck. She wore a light grey woollen skirt with a modest slit to reveal low-heeled boots, and a long-sleeved white turtleneck that Subaru was sure he had recently seen in an up-market boutique with Hokuto. What her face was like Subaru couldn't tell, because at the moment it was pressed against Seishirou's shoulder and Seishirou had an arm around her. She must not have noticed Subaru's arrival for she did not move or react, but Seishirou certainly did, looking up and meeting Subaru's gaze with a cool expression as if he had been caught on the phone instead of an embrace with a strange woman. The whole picture hit Subaru almost viscerally, and it was all he could do not to storm over and demand what was going on.

The woman moved, stepping away from Seishirou and wiping her face. She was rather pretty actually, with fair skin and wide dark eyes that were currently damp and reddened. Now that they were properly facing each other Seishirou was wearing a kind smile that Subaru so often remembered being bestowed upon him. The woman blushed. "I-I'm sorry."

"Not at all, it's perfectly understandable." Seishirou's smile never wavered. "Actually, I should be apologising to you for not being able to save poor Shio-chan."

"You did your best, and given Shio-chan's age I knew what his chances were. I know he's gone to a better place, but still, it's going to be so hard to go home and not have him there to welcome me!" Fresh tears began to roll down her cheeks, and for a moment it seemed that she would reach out for Seishirou again, but instead she took a deep breath and drew herself upright. "Thank you for all of your efforts, Sakurazuka-sensei."

She gave a low bow. Seishirou inclined his head and replied, "I hope that when the loss fades enough for you to get a new pet you will allow me to care for it."

A small smile appeared on the woman's face, and she nodded. Sniffling a little she gathered up her coat and bag from a chair and turned to leave. Only then did she see Subaru, and she immediately pulled up short as if someone had yanked a rope between her shoulders. A slow flush coloured her face as she realised that Subaru must have seen her and Seishirou together, and she bobbed a hasty bow perhaps thinking him another of the clinic's customers whose appointment she was now taking up. She gave him an embarrassed smile as she left the room; it was a very nice smile, even if her eyes were red.

The surgery door closed. Subaru turned around. "Who was that?" he demanded.

Seishirou had gone to open the window. "That was a customer."

"I can see that, but what were you doing with her?"

"I just performed an operation on her elderly cat, the results of which will be taken to the incinerator. Understandably the customer was rather upset and providing a shoulder to cry on for distraught owners is implied into a veterinarian's code of duty. Why, what did you think I was doing?"

A detached part of Subaru's mind was commenting that this was enough, that he should stop now and let it go, but the knot in his chest that had twisted the moment he saw Seishirou with the pretty customer refused to unwind. "Nothing," he said shortly. "I just didn't like it."

He felt, more than saw, the look Seishirou gave him in response to that: the veterinarian's kind façade was gone, dropped the moment the woman had departed, and the Sakurazukamori's smirk was jarring beneath the glasses. "Why are you here, Subaru-kun?"

The conversation hadn't started well, and Seishirou was giving every impression of a man with an unwanted interruption. Refusing to be dissuaded Subaru put his workbag on the counter and, taking a deep breath, pressed further into the room to stand beside the operating table. "We need to talk," he said.

"About?"

"About … us."

"You mean the Bet," Seishirou replied calmly, now sorting out a pile of patient files and x-rays, "because given your attitude last night I was under the impression that there wasn't an 'us'."

"Last night you were performing," retorted Subaru. "Playing a part for Hokuto-chan and whoever happened to pass."

"And you weren't? Even now you're still wearing the gloves because you don't want your sister to ask questions, so you can hardly take offence at my 'playing a part'. In any case, you're the one that requested that I take care to make sure Hokuto-chan doesn't find out, which makes my reasons at least a little more altruistic than yours for not telling her."

"My reasons are that I want to protect my sister from you—"

"You're hiding the truth from her because you don't want things to change," said Seishirou impatiently. "Admit it, Subaru-kun – you like having the three of us together, and now that you believe you have a second chance you want preserve the status quo as much as possible. You and I are bound together by the Bet so the fact that we know the truth about each other doesn't change things, but that could fall apart very quickly if Hokuto-chan were to find out about everything."

"You mean find out that you kill her." Subaru couldn't keep the venom out of his voice.

"Supposedly kill her. Personally I'm still not convinced about this whole future of yours, and quite frankly it's rather tiring to hear you go on about how I kill Hokuto-chan when as far as I'm concerned I haven't actually done anything." Seishirou resumed his filing, ignoring Subaru's death-glare. "Is that all you wanted to talk about?"

Subaru's jaw set – stay focused, don't let him rile you up. "No. I have to go to Kyōto tomorrow."

To his irritation Seishirou didn't even blink at this announcement. "Is this for New Year?" he asked.

"Yes."

"And why are you telling me this?"

There seemed to be some great wall between them, one through which Subaru could see Seishirou but which blocked any attempt at connection. "I thought you ought to know."

"How considerate. So how long will you be away for?"

"Six days. Hokuto-chan and I will catch the afternoon train back on New Year's Day." Still Seishirou looked completely unconcerned by the news, and Subaru clenched gloved hands as he willed for some reaction. He tried again. "We'd prefer to stay in Tokyo but it's my obaa-chan's orders."

"Ah, your obaa-chan, the overbearing Sumeragi matriarch behind those pointless gloves." Seishirou's voice was derisive. "Perhaps I should go to Kyōto with you and meet her since I'm supposed to be courting her grandson."

"Don't be stupid, of course you can't go to Kyōto."

"Why not?"

Subaru stared across the table; he had thought that Seishirou was joking. "You're the Sakurazukamori," he said, feeling like he was talking to a child. "You can't come to Kyōto; my family would kill you!"

"Try to kill me. In any case, what does it matter what the rest of your family thinks?"

"It matters to me! If my obaa-chan found out about you—"

Seishirou put the files down and leaned over the opposite end of the table. "Then what?" he asked, amber eyes fixating Subaru's green ones. "What would you do if your obaa-chan found out about me? For that matter, in the hypothetical that you did win the Bet, what would happen then? How would you tell your clan that not only are you in love with a man, that man is your family's enemy?"

Subaru flinched from the unwavering gaze too close to his. "I'll deal with that if and when I win," he retorted.

"I'll change the question. What did you tell your family last time when your sister was supposedly killed because you had called the Sakurazukamori friend for a year?"

"I told them the truth! I told them Hokuto-chan and I had been deceived and tricked—"

"So you didn't tell them you had feelings for me?"

Subaru stopped. Turned away from the eyes that had haunted him ever since childhood, remembering how one would be put out for his sake and how they had been all he had seen every time his grandmother had interrogated him about his relationship with the Sakurazukamori. "No," he said quietly.

"In other words, you're ashamed of me." Seishirou gave an unfriendly smile. "I'm glad we've cleared up where I stand when it comes to your family's good opinion."

"Why do you care?" Subaru shot back. "Unlike you I have a family, I don't kill them the way you killed your mother!"

It was impossible to miss the flicker of shock behind Seishirou's eyes at that last, or at least it was in the split second before the characteristic mask reasserted itself. Silently Subaru kicked himself – although Seishirou gave him the benefit of the doubt regarding the time reversal there was still a heavy dose of scepticism and deep suspicion that would not be helped with careless remarks. Subaru tried to make amends. "I-I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that."

"Hm." Seishirou moved away from the table and returned to his files. "I take it the information about my mother is something else that gets revealed to you in this future of yours?"

"Yes."

"How do you find out?"

"You tell me at the end of the Bet when I lose."

"And what exactly do I tell you about her?"

Subaru blinked; it seemed he had struck a nerve of some sort – did Seishirou not like being reminded about his mother? But Subaru clearly remembered Seishirou telling him that he had felt nothing when he killed her … "You told me it was part of the succession ritual for the Sakurazukamori," he said, a prickle of nervousness running down his neck. What have I done? "You were fifteen, she was your predecessor, and she was your first kill. You said you felt nothing when she died."

"Is that all?"

"Yes."

Silence between the two of them, making the scrape of manila folders seem horribly loud. Uneasily Subaru bit his lip; although Seishirou's body language was giving nothing away, the very fact that Seishirou had rendered himself unreadable was a bad sign. He decided to change the subject. "Can I ask you something?"

"What is it?" Seishirou's voice was studiously neutral.

"What kind of chance did – are you giving me in the Bet?"

"Getting calculative, are we? Perhaps you should ask a statistician to draw up some probabilities for you."

"Please, Seishirou-san," said Subaru patiently. "Just be honest with me. You're the one judging whether I win or lose the Bet, but you're also in the Bet against me. I know you hate to lose, so are you even giving me a proper chance in the first place to win this?"

"I'm giving you as much as you will let me."

Subaru frowned. "What do you mean?"

There was a chuckle from the Sakurazukamori. "The parameters of the Bet lie just as much with you as they do with me, Subaru-kun. When the Bet was made I told you that I would do everything possible to love you, but I also said that I would do nothing more than watch over and protect you. Out of that consideration I can't do anything to you that you don't want me to; in other words, your chances are what you make them."

Subaru stared. "My chances are what I make them? What I make them?" Outraged, it was all he could do not to splutter. "That is absolutely ridiculous! How was I supposed to make my own chances when I didn't even know there was a Bet going on let alone the terms? The whole thing was unfair from the start—"

Seishirou shrugged. "So it was. But this is not then, is it. And now you know."

Frustrated at this casual reply Subaru closed his eyes and massaged his temple telling himself no, it wasn't worth fighting over fine points of interpretation with the Sakurazukamori. He let out a long breath. "So what does this mean?" he asked through gritted teeth.

"It means that you can make the Bet a lot more interesting if you so wish." A muffled slam emphasised the end of the sentence as Seishirou slid the file drawer closed. "It's all up to you."

Interesting … there were plenty of possibilities in that descriptive, and from the glint in Seishirou's eyes it was fairly obvious the kind he had in mind. Subaru swallowed thickly. "Just because I'm in love with you doesn't mean I'm going to let you take advantage of me," he managed to say.

There was a shrug. "Suit yourself. Though I suppose I shouldn't be surprised – you may say that you're no longer a child but it's obvious you remained one throughout this future of yours."

The jibe made Subaru redden. "What's the matter with that?" he demanded, stung.

"Nothing, but it raises the question of whether despite your wish that I do everything possible to love you you're mature enough to handle what's involved in making you and I an 'us'."

Subaru's jaw set. "Fine, then." He stepped away from the surgery table towards Seishirou. "Kiss me."

Seishirou raised an eyebrow at him. "I beg your pardon?"

"You heard me. You said yourself; my chances are what I make them, so I'm making them here and now. Kiss me."

There was a brief pause as Seishirou simply looked at him. "Do you know what you're doing?" he asked.

No, was Subaru's first, traitorous thought, but he didn't say it aloud. Even though he wanted to kiss Seishirou there was still that doubt, that fear that he would be opening himself to hurt and exploitation, which was a stupid fear really seeing he had already given his heart to the man, but hopefully if he could just get past this, just get this first try at intimacy over and done with, everything else would be easier. He gave a defiant glare; he would not show weakness before the Sakurazukamori. "Let's find out."

It took three steps – two for Seishirou to close the space between them, one for Subaru to instinctively back away into the table again where he was immediately trapped as Seishirou brought his hands down on either side of him. Instinctively Subaru tensed up, a reaction that Seishirou could hardly miss. "Pity I don't have a camera handy," the Sakurazukamori remarked casually, shifting his weight so that his leg pressed against Subaru's. "I'm sure Hokuto-chan would love to see this."

Somehow Subaru managed to find his tongue. "Just get on with it," he said, hoping his voice didn't betray his racing heart.

"Very well." Smiling, Seishirou leaned closer. "Close your eyes."

Without thinking Subaru obeyed, closing his eyes and bracing himself as it in preparation for a painful shock. He wanted to flinch but with great force of will held himself steady, waiting, waiting for the darkness to which he had willingly given himself to solidify into the person he thought he knew so well …

Warm breath on his lips. "Fool," Seishirou whispered.

Subaru's eyes popped open. Saw Seishirou's malicious smirk mere millimetres from his face. "Fool," the Sakurazukamori repeated, stepping backwards and leaving Subaru cold, "you're so easy to manipulate. You really are in love with me – are you sure you don't have Stockholm Syndrome?"

Subaru's face burned. He felt humiliated, he wanted to hit Seishirou, he wanted to fall through the floor and disappear. Instead, all he did was stand there and watch as his beloved enemy began laugh as if the whole thing was one giant joke, as if Subaru was one giant joke. Not even a knock on the door could stop Seishirou's mirth. "Come in!" he called out.

The door opened and the veterinary assistant popped her head inside. "Sakurazuka-sensei, your eleven thirty is here – oh, hello Sumeragi-kun!" The young woman beamed at him, then she took in the tableau: Subaru supporting himself against the surgery table with face flushed and angry, hurt-filled eyes; Seishirou on the other side of the room with a sharp grin not even attempting to look contrite. "Um, am I interrupting something?" she asked hesitantly.

"No, Subaru-kun dropped by to say hello but he was just leaving, right, Subaru-kun?"

It was too much, he had to get out. Snatching up his bag Subaru shoved past the startled assistant and fled the room, echoes of Seishirou's laughter ringing in his ears. They chased him, hounding him out of the clinic in disgrace but more than that, more than the shame and humiliation, what hurt Subaru was that as he ran away Seishirou did not try to stop him.

Stumble to a walk, bare metres from the door. After all, he wasn't being pursued.

 

* * *

 

It's all a game to him, thought Subaru bitterly. Nothing but a contest of win or lose, and of course, he must always win. Why can't I beat him, why do I let him manipulate me so easily?

Why do I even bother trying?

Cutting questions, and ones he didn't have any answers to. Like old curses they weighed around his neck, demanding time and attention supposed to be pledged to more productive pursuits until the purification he was doing for the Chiba lodging house was crucially fumbled and by the time the resulting disturbance was calmed it was well into the evening. The owner of the boarding house, a nervous landlord, had not been pleased, for the purification had been requested to cleanse the building after the suicide of an expatriate engineer depressed at spending his holiday season so far from home. The expatriate's body had long been removed and laid to rest according to his own religion, but suicide left a deep impurity that could attract restless spirits and the landlord understandably wanted to the sorry incident cleaned up as soon as possible. Thankfully he had accepted Subaru's awkward explanation of 'unexpected developments' but still, Subaru was mortified that he had fallen so short of his usual quality of work – mortified, and even angrier at Seishirou.

Just what had the man been trying to do anyway? Was he trying to test Subaru, to get his measure now that it was revealed Subaru wasn't the sixteen-year-old child Seishirou had thought him to be all this time? Or had Seishirou been tormenting him for the sheer sake of it? Certainly Subaru didn't expect any less of the man who had hurt him so badly before and murdered Hokuto in cold blood …

… which hadn't happened yet. Subaru had gotten home to find a warm dinner waiting for him on the stove and a note served on a plate on the dining table. The note was pink and had a cartoon sketch of a smiling face with cat ears. Signs of love and vibrant personality from a girl who in death had left behind a memory so full of life that Subaru had never been able to let go. Actually, he still hadn't. He opened the note.

 

Dear Subaru,

Have gone out for the night with school friends – there's some good sales on and I promised girls from class I'd help them update their wardrobe. Don't wait up for me and go to bed early. Dinner is on the stove, if it's cooled down just heat it up in the microwave on medium for five minutes, and there's rice in the pot. Also I've already started packing our stuff for Kyōto, but since we're on a late afternoon train you can take your time and pack the rest tomorrow.

How did things go with Sei-chan today? I hope you weren't too hard on him. Actually you should probably cut him some slack – sometimes it seems like you demand too much of Sei-chan, and you need to give a little, you know? Anyway, we'll talk about this later.

Don't give up!

Love, Nee-chan.

 

Subaru had to read the second paragraph twice, disbelief rising with each word – too hard? cut some slack? just whose side was Hokuto on anyway? A third reading was broken off in angry disgust that left the note tossed carelessly on the table as Subaru stormed out of the kitchen to his bedroom. The lights were off, of course, and he left them that way in an indulgence to his bad mood as he went straight to his cupboard and dug out the cigarettes and lighter he had bought all those weeks ago near Yasukuni. The carton was almost full as Subaru hardly touched it, partly because he knew what would happen if Hokuto caught him smoking, but mostly because he didn't generally need them. Generally. He made exceptions for when he was particularly frustrated or upset. Tonight was definitely an exception, especially since Hokuto was out, however Subaru did take the cigarettes out to the balcony. Cold as it was outside it was far safer as the last thing he wanted was for Hokuto to smell cigarette smoke in his room – at the very least she'd blow her top, at the worst she'd be disappointed in him. That, or presume Seishirou had been in his bedroom.

Cold wind on his face. Subaru took a drag of the cigarette, squeezing his eyes shut as his lungs burned. It had hurt, really hurt what Seishirou had done this morning, and even now the memory of it made him want to hunch over the painful knot in his chest. All those things Seishirou had said were as cutting as the scalpels he operated with, and slicing all the deeper because really, much as Subaru flinched, a lot of it was true. He did want to keep the three of them together, to have both his twin and beloved by his side as it should have been, but what was wrong with that? why did Seishirou have to make it sound like something to be ashamed of? And then there was that other thing …

 

"You may say that you're no longer a child but it's obvious you remained one throughout this future of yours."

 

Subaru bit his lip. So he had died a virgin on the Final Day, so what? Naiveté aside, the harsh truth was that Seishirou was the only person Subaru could ever imagine being with, and this was realised very quickly after the Bet's conclusion. There had been strangers, men mostly though some women as well, who had tried to pick him up, to flirt and seduce attracted by heaven knew what, and although Subaru was generally slow to recognise their intentions the moment he did he always fled, horrified and guilt-ridden. The worst was always the older men, the dark-haired ones in well-cut suits who in their manner or figure could in desperation bear a passing resemblance to the one he loved …

I gave my heart to you completely, without question or condition. The words were cast silently out over the city lights, just as they had been so many times in the years hunting his hunter. If when you touch me I retreat it's only because I'm scared that I would give you everything if you asked or pushed enough. You never knew that in that past life, and I never told you, so I guess in a way it was unfair to expect anything of you then, but it's different now. Now you know what I feel, I've told you to your face – and yet as expected, you still deliberately hurt me.

I know to expect otherwise of you is foolish, but even so, given how much time is left I couldn't help but hope …

Time. Marching relentlessly onwards. Already New Years was almost upon them; in less than two months the Bet would end, and given the cold and guarded way Seishirou was treating him Subaru's chances at winning were looking depressingly low. Less than two months, less than eight weeks left remained on the clock for Subaru to court and win over the Sakurazukamori, which meant there was only about three months before Hokuto's death unless he could somehow win the Bet—

Smoke spilled almost viciously from Subaru's lips; he was angry, he realised, angry at the inflexibility of his situation. Why did things have to be about the Bet all the time? He was tired of the Bet, tired of worrying about win or lose, tired of the endless competing. It had already started to grow old long before Seishirou had found out about everything, but now that they were no longer pretending to each other the point-scoring just made him want to hit something in his frustration. Unfortunately it didn't look as if things would get better any time soon, for it was plainly apparent that having had the tables so dramatically turned on him Seishirou was determined to regain some ground by any means possible.

 

"Fool." Dark smirk like old shadows, "fool, you're so easy to manipulate. You really are in love with me."

 

It makes sense, thought Subaru bitterly. Our relationship has always been a game, and right now it's a game that Seishirou-san sees himself as losing, so of course he's going to do whatever it takes to get back at me but thing is, I don't want to play a game, I don't want our relationship to be an endless competition, it should be something real with compromise instead of scoring points …

Compromise. Give and take. Hokuto in her note had asked him to stop being so hard on Seishirou. The suggestion had affronted Subaru, not only because he thought his twin should support him unconditionally, but because he found the very idea of needing to go easy on Seishirou laughable. This was Seishirou they were talking about, arrogantly independent and emotionless Seishirou with the blood of heaven knew how many people on his hands, including Hokuto's. As far as Subaru was concerned the man didn't need any leniency at all, in fact he didn't deserve it, so why was Hokuto asking Subaru to be the one to give?

Because thus far I have given nothing.

He stiffened; he hadn't expected that thought. Gingerly he tested it again in his mind – I have given nothing – and found it overlaid with quiet, weary guilt that hit deep and true. Hokuto had said that he was making things difficult for Seishirou, and she had a point, a very good point because really, Subaru had held himself back, he had rebuffed Seishirou's advances and sometimes openly avoided him, even before that clash in the teacher's office. In contrast Seishirou was always the one inviting him out, driving him places and generally making time to spend with him. Little gestures, really, but over time they meant so much. Even if it was all just part of Seishirou's veterinarian act the stark reality was that of the two of them it was Seishirou who was putting all the effort into the illusory relationship. In comparison Subaru was giving nothing, and what he did was given grudgingly. Almost … resentfully.

Ash on the balustrade; his cigarette had burned down. With a small shudder Subaru brought it to his lips and attempted to smoke what little remained; there was nothing left and nervously he flicked the remnants away to fall to the street below. All this time, resenting the fact that Seishirou could or would not give anything of himself when really, he himself was just as guilty of not giving, perhaps even more so nowadays since although he knew how badly he had rattled the Sakurazukamori with his revelations Subaru still could not bring himself to show any graciousness to the one who had murdered his twin. His twin, who right now was out shopping with friends, and whose first act upon returning would undoubtedly be to see if he had eaten his dinner …

Subaru froze.

Seishirou did not remember killing Hokuto that past life – and in this one, Hokuto was still alive.

 

"It's rather tiring to hear you go on about how I kill Hokuto-chan when as far as I'm concerned I haven't actually done anything."

 

The harsh truth came together without any fanfare at all.

I'm punishing Seishirou-san for something he hasn't done yet.

An epiphany of sorts, but one like a kick to the stomach. Even so there was some feeble, unattractive part of him that couldn't help but get defensive – so he wasn't being particularly nice to Seishirou, so what? The man had no heart, he didn't care, and he certainly couldn't be hurt … the words ran hollow; there was no justifying himself. Seishirou's capacity to feel pain was irrelevant; it just wasn't right of Subaru to act so insensitively – and he knew it.

He had always known it.

A feeling of dread began to sink in his stomach, and Subaru put his head in his hands. It's probably a good thing Hokuto-chan isn't home, he thought dully. If we talked about this and she knew what I've done – am still doing to Seishirou-san, she'd be furious with me for being such an absolute jerk. He squeezed his eyes shut. So now what do I do? There's only a few more weeks left in the Bet, I have to fix this, I have to do something, I—

I have to apologise.

Subaru bit his lip. An apology to Seishirou, who was perfectly capable of throwing it back in his face, or worse not caring, was easier said than done. On the other hand there was no getting around the fact that it had to be done, and soon. He would go tomorrow, Subaru told himself, go find and talk to Seishirou sometime after lunch … but tomorrow afternoon he and Hokuto were leaving for Kyōto, and given how often interruptions came up at the clinic he wasn't keen on trying to see Seishirou during work hours.

In the end, there was really only one option.

Subaru took a deep breath. Then he stood up, a shaky thing to do given what the chilly night had done to his muscles, and went back into his bedroom where the cigarette lighter was returned to its hiding place in the wardrobe at the back of the top shelf. He fetched his coat. The digital clock beside his bed read 8:52 PM. Late, but not too late, for an evening visit.

Gloved hands clenched into fists. Then, before he could think about his decision any further Subaru put on his shoes, and, leaving Hokuto's dinner untouched, exited his apartment carrying nothing but his keys and an uneasy determination.

 

* * *

 

It was almost nine-thirty by the time Subaru arrived at the low building that was Seishirou's apartment and the veterinary clinic. There were no lights on.

Subaru stared up at the black windows hoping against hope that one of them would magically light up. Of course, none of the windows obliged him and Subaru gave a long sigh as the anti-climax dropped him like a lead weight to the point that even the part of him that was relieved at avoiding yet another confrontation with the Sakurazukamori couldn't completely counter his disappointment. So Seishirou-san isn't home, he thought resignedly. It figures. Knowing him he's probably out for dinner, or worse, a job—

The attack came from behind, yanking on his arm and jerking him around to slam face first into the wall. Subaru choked as pain blossomed from his cheek through his shoulder and ribs, trying instinctively to defend himself only for his captured arm to be twisted against his back in a strong grip. "Well, this is certainly unexpected," said a familiar, deliberately casual voice. "It's inconsiderate to lay an ambush at someone's front door, you know."

Somehow Subaru forced himself to stay calm and not struggle. "Seishirou-san. I thought you were out."

"I was. I'm back." Long fingers tightened