Nukume Dori
by Leareth

Chapter Thirteen

In the days that followed Subaru surprised himself by realising that now that it was over he was on the whole rather calm about his confrontation with Seishirou. Inadvertent and frightening as it had been, there was something cathartic about finally throwing away all the pretence and facing Seishirou as himself, and also something of a relief to know that he didn't have to hide from Seishirou anymore. On the other hand Subaru doubted that Seishirou felt the same way, and he couldn't but wonder just how close to disaster he had come that night in the teacher's office. He had the uneasy suspicion that it was far closer than he would be happy knowing, a suspicion that was only confirmed as the bruises Seishirou had left on his throat purpled and forced him into scarves and high-necked jumpers. Thankfully it was winter so Hokuto never really questioned his choice of clothing, either that or she was still too gleeful over the news that Subaru had finally managed to confess his feelings to Seishirou to wonder why her twin brother seemed to be feeling the cold more than usual.

Perhaps wisely, during this time Subaru for most part left Seishirou alone. No matter how well the man pretended otherwise Subaru knew that Seishirou was not happy with the idea of having gone back in time, or the fact that Subaru had known his true identity for months, and their dinner that fateful evening had been something of an interrogation for Subaru as Seishirou questioned him about the time reversal, the two Kamui, Hokuto's death and more. Subaru had answered everything as well as he could, all the while painfully aware that Seishirou could decide it would be more prudent to kill him now than later, and afterwards judged it probably better to give Seishirou space to think it all through. Admittedly there was some self-preservation behind this decision – Subaru strongly suspected that injured pride had been a large part of Seishirou's initial attack – and Bet or not it would do no good to provoke the assassin any further. Best to leave things alone, Subaru told himself nervously, and wait until Seishirou was ready to come to him because as thrilling as it was to know that finally he had managed to shake up the Sakurazukamori, anger was not the emotion Subaru wanted to wake in his hunter. Unfortunately, the emotion he did want Seishirou to feel seemed to be the one Seishirou was determined to ignore. Of all the questions Seishirou had asked over dinner that night, not a single one of them had been about how Subaru loved him.

Subaru told himself this was all right. After all, he had dumped a lot of information onto Seishirou, and in Seishirou's mind the fact that his prey had fallen in love with him probably paled in importance next to the revelation that time could and had been twisted and flipped. The fact that Subaru remembered everything whereas Seishirou remembered nothing didn't help either, and Subaru was sure that the Sakurazukamori did not like his new disadvantage one bit – presuming he believed Subaru in the first place. However, as time went on and Hokuto kept teasing the two of them, patience was soon outweighed by frustration, especially since when he and Seishirou did meet (admittedly with Hokuto in close attendance) Seishirou behaved as if nothing had happened. Oh for sure, the Sakurazukamori was now watching Subaru very carefully and had acquired a touch of wariness in his attitude, but other than that it seemed like it made no difference to Seishirou that Subaru had said to him, "I love you."

Perhaps it didn't.

 

* * *

 

"Joyful, joyful we adore thee …"

Subaru gave a smile that was only partly forced as he watched Hokuto flit atop the low wall of the sidewalk's water feature, the white puff on the end of her Santa hat bouncing in tune with her singing. Behind him, a dark figure against Shinjuku's galaxy of fairy lights, Seishirou was following the two of them like a watchful shadow. A casual observer might have thought that Seishirou was lagging, but Subaru had noticed nowadays that Seishirou always took care to walk last so as to avoid turning his back on his prey. Subaru had found it nerve-racking the first couple of days, but by now the nervousness had turned into impatience. It didn't look like Seishirou was going to stop anytime soon, though.

"…fill us with the light of day!" Hokuto punctuated the last note by hopping back onto the path in front of her brother and performing a pirouette. "Hm, I think that settles it!" she announced.

"What's settled?" asked Subaru as he caught up with her.

"My shoes! If I can dance and jump off ledges in them, I know for certain that they're a good buy!"

"Oh, you have new shoes, Hokuto-chan?" Quiet footsteps brought Seishirou up to Subaru's shoulder, making Subaru fractionally tense even though he knew the Sakurazukamori was hardly going to do anything on a busy street. "What kind are they?"

With a grin Hokuto struck a pose to show off a pair of shiny black shoes decorated with plastic holly at the buckle and thick soles that tapered up to slim heel. They gave Hokuto at least two extra inches of height and looked to Subaru to be the most impractical footwear for a girl to walk in let alone dance. "Black patent leather platform heels from a little shop in Omotesando," she announced proudly. "I added the decorations myself to keep in the spirit of the night, aren't they gorgeous?"

"Very adorable." Seishirou's voice didn't hold the slightest hint of condescension. "Dare I ask how much?"

The grin on Hokuto's face grew coy. "Forty thousand yen."

"Forty thousand?" Subaru's jaw dropped; after all, he was the one working.

"They were on sale!" defended Hokuto, as if the word sale said everything – Subaru didn't want to ask how much the shoes were at full price. "You have to look at these things as a future investment, Subaru. If I buy a few expensive but very good quality shoes that I take care of and wear for years, it's better than buying lots of cheap shoes which don't fit as well and get worn out after only a few months. Besides," she added, grin widening. "I absolutely love these heels! Ohohoho!"

Inwardly Subaru sighed; given how pleased Hokuto looked with herself there was no point trying to argue. Resignedly he watched as his twin sister happily tapped out a few impromptu dance steps adroitly avoiding other pedestrians along the path, a young girl already envisioning her future—

"Why haven't you told her still?" asked Seishirou quietly.

"Eh?" Subaru glanced questioningly over his shoulder.

Lights glinted off Seishirou's glasses as he watched Hokuto. "Hokuto-chan obviously doesn't know about me and you're still wearing the gloves," he said, voice low enough for only Subaru to hear. In front of them Hokuto had been distracted by a shop's window display. "I would have thought that of all people your sister deserves to be told about the situation, especially about me."

Subaru's jaw tightened. "I told you, it's better this way," he retorted under his breath. "There's no reason for her to know that you murdered her that past time, and I'm hoping she'll never have to. In any case she doesn't have anything to do with the Final Day."

"So you say." There was a dark smile in the Sakurazukamori's voice. "I wonder, though – is keeping Hokuto-chan ignorant better for her or for you?"

Immediately Subaru stiffened. Before he could say anything, but, Hokuto had run back up to them calling, "Hey, look what I found!"

She came to a breathless stop in front of her brother. In her hand she brandished a sprig of small green leaves with white berries like a scattering of seed pearls. It wasn't any kind of plant Subaru was familiar with, and the high gloss betrayed it as being a plastic replica. "What's that?" he asked her, trying to sound nonchalant. Seishirou, he noticed, had likewise taken the unspoken cue to revert behind his veterinarian's façade, pretence now practice for them both.

Hokuto beamed at him. "I pulled it off the wreath decoration over there," she explained, nodding at the closed door of the shop she had been looking at earlier. "It's mistletoe. Do you know about mistletoe?"

"It's a parasite," said Seishirou cheerfully. "It feeds off a host tree and if there's a really large infestation the tree will be killed. Also the berries are poisonous."

"Aw, don't be morbid Sei-chan, I meant in Christmas! Well, Subaru?"

"Ah …" Subaru trailed off, realising that his twin had that grin which implied that she was leading up to a particularly good bout of teasing. Unfortunately Subaru had yet to figure out a way to cleanly avoid her. "It's a Christmas decoration?"

Hokuto's grin grew wider. "It's for kissing."

Predictably Subaru felt his face heat; already he could see where this was going. Also predictably Seishirou went right along with the joke. "Oh, that," he said, affecting chagrin. "Yes, mistletoe is associated with Christmas in the West, the tradition being that whenever people meet under the mistletoe they must kiss each other."

"In other words, Subaru," said Hokuto, climbing back onto the ledge in her high heels and stretching out to hold the mistletoe above her twin's head, "you now have to kiss Sei-chan!"

"Wh-what?" Subaru gaped up at his sister and the plastic plant hanging over him like a portent of doom. "You can't be serious!"

"Aw, come on, Subaru! It's very important for girls to have a romantic Christmas Eve with someone special, but since I am quite happily enjoying my single status and have many years before I'm considered Christmas cake, you two have to make up for it tonight!"

"But we're on a public street! There are people everywhere!"

"You're standing under mistletoe and it's Christmas. In any case," she glanced meaningfully at Seishirou who was trying to look innocent, "haven't the two of you already admitted that you love each other?"

Inwardly Subaru groaned – of course, it was inevitable that Hokuto bring that up. Ever since his sister had found out about his confession (though not the circumstances) her teasing had started to include dares and challenges for him and Seishirou to be more romantic. So far her only success was getting the two of them to hold hands a couple of days ago, and that had only happened because Subaru had absent-mindedly gone to cross a road before the lights changed and Seishirou had grabbed his hand to pull him out of the way of an on-coming car. Upon Hokuto's exuberant insistence Seishirou had kept hold of him but they only managed to walk a block hand-in-hand before the curious and questioning looks from passer-bys got too much for Subaru. It hadn't helped that Seishirou treated the whole thing like an indulgence for Hokuto either. "That's beside the point," said Subaru, trying to keep his patience. "Christmas or not it's ridiculous that Seishirou-san and I should have to do this just because of a bit of imitation plant."

"Don't be such a wet blanket! I don't see Sei-chan protesting, do you?"

Somewhat apprehensively, Subaru looked towards Seishirou. The man seemed to be pondering the issue with great deliberation. "Subaru-kun is right, we are in public and Japan doesn't condone that kind of behaviour," he said, and for a moment Subaru thought he was safe. "Then again …"

It happened too fast, and with all the lethal skill Subaru remembered from their duels in the Final Year. Subaru yelped as he was suddenly swept off-balance, the city lights spinning kaleidoscopically in the night sky for a moment, and before he knew it he was dipped backwards over Seishirou's arm with the man's smiling face mere inches above his own. "Then again," the Sakurazukamori whispered, "that's what makes it all the more fun, right?"

Furiously Subaru blushed; he could hear Hokuto cheering in the background and worse still were the footsteps of passing people, but all of that paled in the face of the position he was now in. Seishirou's right arm was wrapped around his shoulders, and he could feel a bent knee taking his weight beneath his thighs while for some reason Seishirou's other hand had ended up on his hip. Even through the layers of winter clothing the intimacy burned. "What are you doing?" Subaru hissed, trying to ignore the way his heart was racing. "There are people watching!"

"So?" Amber eyes laughed down at him and Subaru couldn't help but shiver beneath their scrutiny. "No one knows who we are; all they see are two random people behaving inappropriately. Besides," Seishirou added, bending his head closer, "aren't you in love with me?"

Subaru froze. Then he angrily hauled himself upright and shoved Seishirou aside. For a moment vertigo claimed him, making his escape more of a stumble, but he quickly recovered and, breathing hard, managed to summon an indignant glare.

Inscrutably Seishirou stared back at him.

A click of heels offside signalled that Hokuto had stepped down from her perch. "All right, you two," she said lightly, but Subaru could hear a hard undercurrent in her voice. "Enough's enough; you've made your point. I said enough, there's nothing to see!" This last was brusquely called out towards a gaggle of office workers who were whispering and pointing but quickly fled Hokuto's glare. Hokuto tucked the plastic mistletoe into her bag; when she faced Subaru and Seishirou once more there was an affected smile on her face. "Hey, I've got some new tea today, why don't the three of us go back and try it?"

"Thanks, but I'm afraid I'll have to decline," said Seishirou, speaking casually though he never took his eyes off Subaru. "It's Tuesday tomorrow and I have an operation scheduled in the morning for a cat, so I should really be heading home for an early night."

"Oh, but, Sei-chan—"

"No buts, Hokuto-chan, I need to be completely alert for tomorrow's work." Seishirou went to give Hokuto a friendly pat on the shoulder that did nothing to mollify her pout. "I'll talk to you soon. Oh, and Subaru-kun?"

The sound of his name spoken like that, so like their confrontations during the Final Year, made Subaru jump, just a little. "Yes?"

A flickered smirk. "Good night."

With that Seishirou began to walk away, slipping between the crowds without backwards glance. Subaru watched him go, hands slowly unclenching as it became obvious Seishirou wasn't going to turn around, and wished it didn't hurt so much watching him leave. On another level, but, he was rather glad of it, and he didn't bother trying to hide the long sigh he gave when Seishirou finally disappeared from view. Subaru turned and walked in the opposite direction. And I thought things between us couldn't get any more difficult …

There was the sound of a throat being cleared. "All right, out with it," said Hokuto.

"Eh?" Subaru glanced at his sister keeping pace beside him. "Out with what?"

"Don't play dumb, you know exactly what I'm talking about. What's going on with you and Sei-chan?"

Of course, it would be too much to ask that Hokuto be blind to what was going on. "Do we have to talk about this?" asked Subaru plaintively.

"Yes, we do." They reached an intersection and Hokuto pressed the walk button, rocking a little in her shoes. "It's been almost a week since you admitted to Sei-chan you love him, but from what I've seen it looks more like you guys had a fight. What happened? Don't tell me Sei-chan turned you down."

Had a fight. Subaru couldn't help smiling humourlessly at that, though the expression disappeared quickly enough. "He didn't turn me down," he said shortly. "But I think he's still coming to terms with it."

"What do you mean, 'coming to terms'? He's been chasing you since practically the day you met, by any logic he should be over the moon to know that you return his feelings! Unless—" She broke off.

"Unless what?" pressed Subaru.

"Don't worry about it."

"Unless what, Hokuto-chan?"

There was a pause as Hokuto chewed her lip for a moment. "Unless it means that Sei-chan is surprised that you're taking him seriously, which raises the question of whether he's been serious all this time about you in the first place," she said finally.

 

"I'll make a Bet with you …"

 

Subaru's lips tightened; the Bet, the Bet, always the Bet, and who knew what his chances were at the moment. For that matter, what kind of chance did he have when the judge was also a competitor? "Do you think that maybe all this time Seishirou-san has just been toying with my feelings?" he asked.

"If that's the case then I will personally dismember him from head to toe." The red light switched to blue and Subaru linked his arm with Hokuto's to prevent them from being separated in the crowd as they crossed. "Honestly, though, I can't say for certain – there are aspects of Sei-chan that worry me but think about it, Subaru, he's twenty-five, he should really be hanging out with people his own age but he spends all his time with us, you especially. He wouldn't do that if you didn't mean something to him even if you are making it difficult nowadays."

"Difficult?" Subaru stared at her. "What do you mean?"

"I mean that you don't seem to be making it any easier for Sei-chan to get close to you. Look at tonight – sure, you guys talked over dinner but it wasn't really deep talking, and as for the mistletoe thing, even if you don't like being teased the way you shoved Sei-chan away was almost like you didn't want him anywhere near you."

"I didn't—" Subaru caught himself, realising his voice was rising, and tried again. "I didn't mean it like that," he said under his breath. "I just wasn't comfortable with what he was doing."

"You weren't comfortable with how he was holding you in public or with the holding, period?"

"The holding in public, of course!"

"Are you sure?"

He hesitated. Thought about what Hokuto was talking about, how being touched by Seishirou made him shiver, the feel of the man's fingers around his throat … "All right, fine, I was uncomfortable with Seishirou-san holding me," he retorted, beginning to walk a little faster. "But given what he's done can you blame me?"

"Who said anything about blaming you? And what do you mean, what Sei-chan's done?" Suddenly Hokuto pulled her arm away from Subaru's and grabbed his shoulder, forcing him to stop and face her. "Did he do something to you?"

Subaru swallowed nervously under Hokuto's scrutiny, remembering the bones Seishirou had broken at the end of the Bet and the injuries of the Final Year, and wondered what she would say if instead of his face she could examine his heart. So many things he still couldn't tell her … "Seishirou-san hasn't done anything," he said, trying to sound as reassuring as possible because in a way it was true. "It's just … I don't know."

There was a long pause as Hokuto bit her lip and looked thoughtful. "Are you afraid of Sei-chan touching you?" she asked finally.

Startled at how Hokuto managed to encapsulate his unease so simply in words Subaru stared at her. Hokuto smiled. "It's frightening, isn't it, the idea of opening yourself to someone so completely, especially for you because as an onmyouji you always have to guard yourself. The question is, though, do you want Sei-chan to touch you?"

A slow warmth crept up Subaru's face. Inexplicably the first thing that came to mind was the moment after Hokuto's dinner when he had thought Seishirou was going to kiss him, which then led onto the kisses Seishirou had placed on his hands to reaffirm the marks there … they were moments of warmth in what for most part had been filled with imagination. But imagination was safe; it required no commitment and could generally be kept under control. The idea that his imaginings could now be reality sent a not entirely unpleasant thrill through him, something that Hokuto didn't miss. Her smile widened. "I take it you've thought about it, then?"

Subaru felt himself blush. "A little," he confessed.

"From your face I'm going to guess you've thought about it more than 'a little'." She poked his reddening cheek affectionately. "Don't worry, I won't ask details, but it's good to know you're not completely naïve."

"But what should I do?" asked Subaru urgently. "I mean, yes, I love Seishirou-san but I don't think I could do, well, anything like that."

Hokuto shrugged. "Take your time. You say he hasn't done anything yet, so that's a good sign. Just don't do anything before you're ready and feel comfortable. If Sei-chan feels anything for you he'll understand, and if and when something does happen you're just going to have to trust him." Subaru didn't reply to this, not entirely convinced, and Hokuto fell silent for a moment as she studied his face, the two of them a point of stillness in the milling crowd. Suddenly she said, "You know, Subaru, in a way you're really very lucky."

"Eh?"

"When you realised you loved Sei-chan, you accepted it completely and despite the doubts and problems you've never once thought that it might be better for you to move on. You know that Sakurazuka Seishirou is your special person. Do you have any idea how many people, even those in relationships, spend their entire lives looking for that certainty?"

Subaru didn't know what to say to this. There had been countless times in that past life after Hokuto's death where he had struggled to resolve the feelings he still kept for Seishirou, but despite his best efforts his love had stayed constant. More than that, as Hokuto said, he had never once contemplated the possibility of finding someone else to love; his heart, once given, could never be taken back, and for better or for worse he had given his heart to Seishirou. It was a fact he had died with once, now he had to live with it. Besides, hadn't he already resolved to win the Bet? "I suppose you're right," he said at last.

A slim hand was placed against his cheek. "Don't worry," said Hokuto quietly. "It's okay to be scared, but just think about it this way: relationships are all about give and take, and love is supposed to be unconditional, so if you love someone you have to give them to key to yourself otherwise what's the point?" Subaru gave a hesitant smile. "That's better. Now, I think Sei-chan has had more than enough time to think about what you've said to him, and if he's not going to make the first move you should stop waiting for him and take the initiative. Are you working tomorrow?"

"In the afternoon, but the job is out in Chiba so I'll take a while and be home late."

"So you can see Sei-chan in the morning. Go find him at work – at least there he can't really walk away from you again."

"All right." Walk away … Seishirou had been doing quite a bit of that lately, and it would be interesting to find out why. "Are you going to come?"

"Unlike some people I still go school, and even if I didn't I think you and Sei-chan should start working things out on your own. I won't always be around for you guys!"

Subaru's lips tightened—

 

"So, I want you to kill me."

 

—he turned away. "Yeah."

Hokuto didn't notice her brother's moment of morbidity. "On a completely different topic, I know we just spent money on dinner and all, but can we catch a taxi home?"

Subaru raised an eyebrow. "Why?"

"We-ell, my shoes are really starting to hurt."

"You mean the shoes you spent the equivalent of a week's rent on?"

"They're new shoes!" protested Hokuto, looking somewhat contrite. "I haven't broken them in properly yet!"

"Fine, fine." With an indulgent smile Subaru went to the curb and held out his hand to signal a driver. Being on a main road it didn't take long for a taxi to pull up, and Subaru gallantly opened the door for Hokuto. "Anything for my dearest sister."

"Not just your dearest sister, your only sister." Hokuto climbed in and told the driver their address, looking obviously relieved to be sitting down. "Also let's not forget your wonderfully fashionable sister, your absolutely brilliant sister …"

Subaru grinned as he shut the door behind him and joined in. "Domineering sister, loud sister …"

"… exuberant and cute sister …"

"… blunt with a weakness for sweets …"

The banter was kept up all the way home, probably much to the taxi driver's irritation, and out of guilt Subaru gave the man a tip at the end of the trip. Hokuto's sore feet had sufficiently recovered enough during the ride for her to race her brother to the elevator, and by the time Subaru managed to catch her the two of them were breathlessly laughing as if they were six instead of sixteen and playing tag in the family garden, something that only continued as having trapped his twin in the elevator Subaru attempted to tickle her.

"All right, fine, I give up!" Hokuto batted him away as the elevator sedately stopped on their floor. "I'm going to put the kettle on, when you get cleaned up come over and have some tea, okay?"

"Sure." Subaru got out his keys and went to open his apartment door, a mirror image of Hokuto doing the same behind him. "Give me about twenty minutes?"

"You know how long I take in the shower, make it thirty." Hokuto waved at him as she went into her apartment. "See you soon!"

With a click Hokuto's door closed, allowing silence to sweep back into the hallway it had so rudely been kicked out of. It brought a sudden calm, and Subaru smiled as he went into his own apartment marvelling at how much better he felt after all that silliness. Hokuto always knew how to cheer him up, he thought as he switched on the lights, and heaven knew he needed cheering up right now given how strained things were with Seishirou right now—

The door handle rattled and twisted. Subaru started as his front door suddenly burst open to reveal Hokuto still in her going-out clothes and feet in stockings. "Have you checked your phone messages yet?" she demanded.

"No, I haven't even changed my shoes, why?"

"Obaa-chama called. She wants us to go back to Kyōto."

 

* * *

 

Although the Sakurazuka veterinary clinic had a steady business it was never really busy, something Subaru had only noticed in this second chance at life. Determined to make good on his talk with Hokuto last night he had gone over just before noon, figuring that by then Seishirou would have finished most of his morning appointments and if need be they could talk through lunch. He was nervous, of course, something which only increased when the assistant waved him through with an arch smile, but he expected that. Not that expecting to be nervous actually helped any, though at least he could prepare for it and plan out the bare bones of what he wanted to say – all of which went completely out of the window when he opened the surgery door and saw that Seishirou wasn't alone.

Subaru stared in shock. The woman was young and had long black hair neatly pinned up to reveal a graceful neck. She wore a light grey woollen skirt with a modest slit to reveal low-heeled boots, and a long-sleeved white turtleneck that Subaru was sure he had recently seen in an up-market boutique with Hokuto. What her face was like Subaru couldn't tell, because at the moment it was pressed against Seishirou's shoulder and Seishirou had an arm around her. She must not have noticed Subaru's arrival for she did not move or react, but Seishirou certainly did, looking up and meeting Subaru's gaze with a cool expression as if he had been caught on the phone instead of an embrace with a strange woman. The whole picture hit Subaru almost viscerally, and it was all he could do not to storm over and demand what was going on.

The woman moved, stepping away from Seishirou and wiping her face. She was rather pretty actually, with fair skin and wide dark eyes that were currently damp and reddened. Now that they were properly facing each other Seishirou was wearing a kind smile that Subaru so often remembered being bestowed upon him. The woman blushed. "I-I'm sorry."

"Not at all, it's perfectly understandable." Seishirou's smile never wavered. "Actually, I should be apologising to you for not being able to save poor Shio-chan."

"You did your best, and given Shio-chan's age I knew what his chances were. I know he's gone to a better place, but still, it's going to be so hard to go home and not have him there to welcome me!" Fresh tears began to roll down her cheeks, and for a moment it seemed that she would reach out for Seishirou again, but instead she took a deep breath and drew herself upright. "Thank you for all of your efforts, Sakurazuka-sensei."

She gave a low bow. Seishirou inclined his head and replied, "I hope that when the loss fades enough for you to get a new pet you will allow me to care for it."

A small smile appeared on the woman's face, and she nodded. Sniffling a little she gathered up her coat and bag from a chair and turned to leave. Only then did she see Subaru, and she immediately pulled up short as if someone had yanked a rope between her shoulders. A slow flush coloured her face as she realised that Subaru must have seen her and Seishirou together, and she bobbed a hasty bow perhaps thinking him another of the clinic's customers whose appointment she was now taking up. She gave him an embarrassed smile as she left the room; it was a very nice smile, even if her eyes were red.

The surgery door closed. Subaru turned around. "Who was that?" he demanded.

Seishirou had gone to open the window. "That was a customer."

"I can see that, but what were you doing with her?"

"I just performed an operation on her elderly cat, the results of which will be taken to the incinerator. Understandably the customer was rather upset and providing a shoulder to cry on for distraught owners is implied into a veterinarian's code of duty. Why, what did you think I was doing?"

A detached part of Subaru's mind was commenting that this was enough, that he should stop now and let it go, but the knot in his chest that had twisted the moment he saw Seishirou with the pretty customer refused to unwind. "Nothing," he said shortly. "I just didn't like it."

He felt, more than saw, the look Seishirou gave him in response to that: the veterinarian's kind façade was gone, dropped the moment the woman had departed, and the Sakurazukamori's smirk was jarring beneath the glasses. "Why are you here, Subaru-kun?"

The conversation hadn't started well, and Seishirou was giving every impression of a man with an unwanted interruption. Refusing to be dissuaded Subaru put his workbag on the counter and, taking a deep breath, pressed further into the room to stand beside the operating table. "We need to talk," he said.

"About?"

"About … us."

"You mean the Bet," Seishirou replied calmly, now sorting out a pile of patient files and x-rays, "because given your attitude last night I was under the impression that there wasn't an 'us'."

"Last night you were performing," retorted Subaru. "Playing a part for Hokuto-chan and whoever happened to pass."

"And you weren't? Even now you're still wearing the gloves because you don't want your sister to ask questions, so you can hardly take offence at my 'playing a part'. In any case, you're the one that requested that I take care to make sure Hokuto-chan doesn't find out, which makes my reasons at least a little more altruistic than yours for not telling her."

"My reasons are that I want to protect my sister from you—"

"You're hiding the truth from her because you don't want things to change," said Seishirou impatiently. "Admit it, Subaru-kun – you like having the three of us together, and now that you believe you have a second chance you want preserve the status quo as much as possible. You and I are bound together by the Bet so the fact that we know the truth about each other doesn't change things, but that could fall apart very quickly if Hokuto-chan were to find out about everything."

"You mean find out that you kill her." Subaru couldn't keep the venom out of his voice.

"Supposedly kill her. Personally I'm still not convinced about this whole future of yours, and quite frankly it's rather tiring to hear you go on about how I kill Hokuto-chan when as far as I'm concerned I haven't actually done anything." Seishirou resumed his filing, ignoring Subaru's death-glare. "Is that all you wanted to talk about?"

Subaru's jaw set – stay focused, don't let him rile you up. "No. I have to go to Kyōto tomorrow."

To his irritation Seishirou didn't even blink at this announcement. "Is this for New Year?" he asked.

"Yes."

"And why are you telling me this?"

There seemed to be some great wall between them, one through which Subaru could see Seishirou but which blocked any attempt at connection. "I thought you ought to know."

"How considerate. So how long will you be away for?"

"Six days. Hokuto-chan and I will catch the afternoon train back on New Year's Day." Still Seishirou looked completely unconcerned by the news, and Subaru clenched gloved hands as he willed for some reaction. He tried again. "We'd prefer to stay in Tokyo but it's my obaa-chan's orders."

"Ah, your obaa-chan, the overbearing Sumeragi matriarch behind those pointless gloves." Seishirou's voice was derisive. "Perhaps I should go to Kyōto with you and meet her since I'm supposed to be courting her grandson."

"Don't be stupid, of course you can't go to Kyōto."

"Why not?"

Subaru stared across the table; he had thought that Seishirou was joking. "You're the Sakurazukamori," he said, feeling like he was talking to a child. "You can't come to Kyōto; my family would kill you!"

"Try to kill me. In any case, what does it matter what the rest of your family thinks?"

"It matters to me! If my obaa-chan found out about you—"

Seishirou put the files down and leaned over the opposite end of the table. "Then what?" he asked, amber eyes fixating Subaru's green ones. "What would you do if your obaa-chan found out about me? For that matter, in the hypothetical that you did win the Bet, what would happen then? How would you tell your clan that not only are you in love with a man, that man is your family's enemy?"

Subaru flinched from the unwavering gaze too close to his. "I'll deal with that if and when I win," he retorted.

"I'll change the question. What did you tell your family last time when your sister was supposedly killed because you had called the Sakurazukamori friend for a year?"

"I told them the truth! I told them Hokuto-chan and I had been deceived and tricked—"

"So you didn't tell them you had feelings for me?"

Subaru stopped. Turned away from the eyes that had haunted him ever since childhood, remembering how one would be put out for his sake and how they had been all he had seen every time his grandmother had interrogated him about his relationship with the Sakurazukamori. "No," he said quietly.

"In other words, you're ashamed of me." Seishirou gave an unfriendly smile. "I'm glad we've cleared up where I stand when it comes to your family's good opinion."

"Why do you care?" Subaru shot back. "Unlike you I have a family, I don't kill them the way you killed your mother!"

It was impossible to miss the flicker of shock behind Seishirou's eyes at that last, or at least it was in the split second before the characteristic mask reasserted itself. Silently Subaru kicked himself – although Seishirou gave him the benefit of the doubt regarding the time reversal there was still a heavy dose of scepticism and deep suspicion that would not be helped with careless remarks. Subaru tried to make amends. "I-I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that."

"Hm." Seishirou moved away from the table and returned to his files. "I take it the information about my mother is something else that gets revealed to you in this future of yours?"

"Yes."

"How do you find out?"

"You tell me at the end of the Bet when I lose."

"And what exactly do I tell you about her?"

Subaru blinked; it seemed he had struck a nerve of some sort – did Seishirou not like being reminded about his mother? But Subaru clearly remembered Seishirou telling him that he had felt nothing when he killed her … "You told me it was part of the succession ritual for the Sakurazukamori," he said, a prickle of nervousness running down his neck. What have I done? "You were fifteen, she was your predecessor, and she was your first kill. You said you felt nothing when she died."

"Is that all?"

"Yes."

Silence between the two of them, making the scrape of manila folders seem horribly loud. Uneasily Subaru bit his lip; although Seishirou's body language was giving nothing away, the very fact that Seishirou had rendered himself unreadable was a bad sign. He decided to change the subject. "Can I ask you something?"

"What is it?" Seishirou's voice was studiously neutral.

"What kind of chance did – are you giving me in the Bet?"

"Getting calculative, are we? Perhaps you should ask a statistician to draw up some probabilities for you."

"Please, Seishirou-san," said Subaru patiently. "Just be honest with me. You're the one judging whether I win or lose the Bet, but you're also in the Bet against me. I know you hate to lose, so are you even giving me a proper chance in the first place to win this?"

"I'm giving you as much as you will let me."

Subaru frowned. "What do you mean?"

There was a chuckle from the Sakurazukamori. "The parameters of the Bet lie just as much with you as they do with me, Subaru-kun. When the Bet was made I told you that I would do everything possible to love you, but I also said that I would do nothing more than watch over and protect you. Out of that consideration I can't do anything to you that you don't want me to; in other words, your chances are what you make them."

Subaru stared. "My chances are what I make them? What I make them?" Outraged, it was all he could do not to splutter. "That is absolutely ridiculous! How was I supposed to make my own chances when I didn't even know there was a Bet going on let alone the terms? The whole thing was unfair from the start—"

Seishirou shrugged. "So it was. But this is not then, is it. And now you know."

Frustrated at this casual reply Subaru closed his eyes and massaged his temple telling himself no, it wasn't worth fighting over fine points of interpretation with the Sakurazukamori. He let out a long breath. "So what does this mean?" he asked through gritted teeth.

"It means that you can make the Bet a lot more interesting if you so wish." A muffled slam emphasised the end of the sentence as Seishirou slid the file drawer closed. "It's all up to you."

Interesting … there were plenty of possibilities in that descriptive, and from the glint in Seishirou's eyes it was fairly obvious the kind he had in mind. Subaru swallowed thickly. "Just because I'm in love with you doesn't mean I'm going to let you take advantage of me," he managed to say.

There was a shrug. "Suit yourself. Though I suppose I shouldn't be surprised – you may say that you're no longer a child but it's obvious you remained one throughout this future of yours."

The jibe made Subaru redden. "What's the matter with that?" he demanded, stung.

"Nothing, but it raises the question of whether despite your wish that I do everything possible to love you you're mature enough to handle what's involved in making you and I an 'us'."

Subaru's jaw set. "Fine, then." He stepped away from the surgery table towards Seishirou. "Kiss me."

Seishirou raised an eyebrow at him. "I beg your pardon?"

"You heard me. You said yourself; my chances are what I make them, so I'm making them here and now. Kiss me."

There was a brief pause as Seishirou simply looked at him. "Do you know what you're doing?" he asked.

No, was Subaru's first, traitorous thought, but he didn't say it aloud. Even though he wanted to kiss Seishirou there was still that doubt, that fear that he would be opening himself to hurt and exploitation, which was a stupid fear really seeing he had already given his heart to the man, but hopefully if he could just get past this, just get this first try at intimacy over and done with, everything else would be easier. He gave a defiant glare; he would not show weakness before the Sakurazukamori. "Let's find out."

It took three steps – two for Seishirou to close the space between them, one for Subaru to instinctively back away into the table again where he was immediately trapped as Seishirou brought his hands down on either side of him. Instinctively Subaru tensed up, a reaction that Seishirou could hardly miss. "Pity I don't have a camera handy," the Sakurazukamori remarked casually, shifting his weight so that his leg pressed against Subaru's. "I'm sure Hokuto-chan would love to see this."

Somehow Subaru managed to find his tongue. "Just get on with it," he said, hoping his voice didn't betray his racing heart.

"Very well." Smiling, Seishirou leaned closer. "Close your eyes."

Without thinking Subaru obeyed, closing his eyes and bracing himself as it in preparation for a painful shock. He wanted to flinch but with great force of will held himself steady, waiting, waiting for the darkness to which he had willingly given himself to solidify into the person he thought he knew so well …

Warm breath on his lips. "Fool," Seishirou whispered.

Subaru's eyes popped open. Saw Seishirou's malicious smirk mere millimetres from his face. "Fool," the Sakurazukamori repeated, stepping backwards and leaving Subaru cold, "you're so easy to manipulate. You really are in love with me – are you sure you don't have Stockholm Syndrome?"

Subaru's face burned. He felt humiliated, he wanted to hit Seishirou, he wanted to fall through the floor and disappear. Instead, all he did was stand there and watch as his beloved enemy began laugh as if the whole thing was one giant joke, as if Subaru was one giant joke. Not even a knock on the door could stop Seishirou's mirth. "Come in!" he called out.

The door opened and the veterinary assistant popped her head inside. "Sakurazuka-sensei, your eleven thirty is here – oh, hello Sumeragi-kun!" The young woman beamed at him, then she took in the tableau: Subaru supporting himself against the surgery table with face flushed and angry, hurt-filled eyes; Seishirou on the other side of the room with a sharp grin not even attempting to look contrite. "Um, am I interrupting something?" she asked hesitantly.

"No, Subaru-kun dropped by to say hello but he was just leaving, right, Subaru-kun?"

It was too much, he had to get out. Snatching up his bag Subaru shoved past the startled assistant and fled the room, echoes of Seishirou's laughter ringing in his ears. They chased him, hounding him out of the clinic in disgrace but more than that, more than the shame and humiliation, what hurt Subaru was that as he ran away Seishirou did not try to stop him.

Stumble to a walk, bare metres from the door. After all, he wasn't being pursued.

 

* * *

 

It's all a game to him, thought Subaru bitterly. Nothing but a contest of win or lose, and of course, he must always win. Why can't I beat him, why do I let him manipulate me so easily?

Why do I even bother trying?

Cutting questions, and ones he didn't have any answers to. Like old curses they weighed around his neck, demanding time and attention supposed to be pledged to more productive pursuits until the purification he was doing for the Chiba lodging house was crucially fumbled and by the time the resulting disturbance was calmed it was well into the evening. The owner of the boarding house, a nervous landlord, had not been pleased, for the purification had been requested to cleanse the building after the suicide of an expatriate engineer depressed at spending his holiday season so far from home. The expatriate's body had long been removed and laid to rest according to his own religion, but suicide left a deep impurity that could attract restless spirits and the landlord understandably wanted to the sorry incident cleaned up as soon as possible. Thankfully he had accepted Subaru's awkward explanation of 'unexpected developments' but still, Subaru was mortified that he had fallen so short of his usual quality of work – mortified, and even angrier at Seishirou.

Just what had the man been trying to do anyway? Was he trying to test Subaru, to get his measure now that it was revealed Subaru wasn't the sixteen-year-old child Seishirou had thought him to be all this time? Or had Seishirou been tormenting him for the sheer sake of it? Certainly Subaru didn't expect any less of the man who had hurt him so badly before and murdered Hokuto in cold blood …

… which hadn't happened yet. Subaru had gotten home to find a warm dinner waiting for him on the stove and a note served on a plate on the dining table. The note was pink and had a cartoon sketch of a smiling face with cat ears. Signs of love and vibrant personality from a girl who in death had left behind a memory so full of life that Subaru had never been able to let go. Actually, he still hadn't. He opened the note.

 

Dear Subaru,

Have gone out for the night with school friends – there's some good sales on and I promised girls from class I'd help them update their wardrobe. Don't wait up for me and go to bed early. Dinner is on the stove, if it's cooled down just heat it up in the microwave on medium for five minutes, and there's rice in the pot. Also I've already started packing our stuff for Kyōto, but since we're on a late afternoon train you can take your time and pack the rest tomorrow.

How did things go with Sei-chan today? I hope you weren't too hard on him. Actually you should probably cut him some slack – sometimes it seems like you demand too much of Sei-chan, and you need to give a little, you know? Anyway, we'll talk about this later.

Don't give up!

Love, Nee-chan.

 

Subaru had to read the second paragraph twice, disbelief rising with each word – too hard? cut some slack? just whose side was Hokuto on anyway? A third reading was broken off in angry disgust that left the note tossed carelessly on the table as Subaru stormed out of the kitchen to his bedroom. The lights were off, of course, and he left them that way in an indulgence to his bad mood as he went straight to his cupboard and dug out the cigarettes and lighter he had bought all those weeks ago near Yasukuni. The carton was almost full as Subaru hardly touched it, partly because he knew what would happen if Hokuto caught him smoking, but mostly because he didn't generally need them. Generally. He made exceptions for when he was particularly frustrated or upset. Tonight was definitely an exception, especially since Hokuto was out, however Subaru did take the cigarettes out to the balcony. Cold as it was outside it was far safer as the last thing he wanted was for Hokuto to smell cigarette smoke in his room – at the very least she'd blow her top, at the worst she'd be disappointed in him. That, or presume Seishirou had been in his bedroom.

Cold wind on his face. Subaru took a drag of the cigarette, squeezing his eyes shut as his lungs burned. It had hurt, really hurt what Seishirou had done this morning, and even now the memory of it made him want to hunch over the painful knot in his chest. All those things Seishirou had said were as cutting as the scalpels he operated with, and slicing all the deeper because really, much as Subaru flinched, a lot of it was true. He did want to keep the three of them together, to have both his twin and beloved by his side as it should have been, but what was wrong with that? why did Seishirou have to make it sound like something to be ashamed of? And then there was that other thing …

 

"You may say that you're no longer a child but it's obvious you remained one throughout this future of yours."

 

Subaru bit his lip. So he had died a virgin on the Final Day, so what? Naiveté aside, the harsh truth was that Seishirou was the only person Subaru could ever imagine being with, and this was realised very quickly after the Bet's conclusion. There had been strangers, men mostly though some women as well, who had tried to pick him up, to flirt and seduce attracted by heaven knew what, and although Subaru was generally slow to recognise their intentions the moment he did he always fled, horrified and guilt-ridden. The worst was always the older men, the dark-haired ones in well-cut suits who in their manner or figure could in desperation bear a passing resemblance to the one he loved …

I gave my heart to you completely, without question or condition. The words were cast silently out over the city lights, just as they had been so many times in the years hunting his hunter. If when you touch me I retreat it's only because I'm scared that I would give you everything if you asked or pushed enough. You never knew that in that past life, and I never told you, so I guess in a way it was unfair to expect anything of you then, but it's different now. Now you know what I feel, I've told you to your face – and yet as expected, you still deliberately hurt me.

I know to expect otherwise of you is foolish, but even so, given how much time is left I couldn't help but hope …

Time. Marching relentlessly onwards. Already New Years was almost upon them; in less than two months the Bet would end, and given the cold and guarded way Seishirou was treating him Subaru's chances at winning were looking depressingly low. Less than two months, less than eight weeks left remained on the clock for Subaru to court and win over the Sakurazukamori, which meant there was only about three months before Hokuto's death unless he could somehow win the Bet—

Smoke spilled almost viciously from Subaru's lips; he was angry, he realised, angry at the inflexibility of his situation. Why did things have to be about the Bet all the time? He was tired of the Bet, tired of worrying about win or lose, tired of the endless competing. It had already started to grow old long before Seishirou had found out about everything, but now that they were no longer pretending to each other the point-scoring just made him want to hit something in his frustration. Unfortunately it didn't look as if things would get better any time soon, for it was plainly apparent that having had the tables so dramatically turned on him Seishirou was determined to regain some ground by any means possible.

 

"Fool." Dark smirk like old shadows, "fool, you're so easy to manipulate. You really are in love with me."

 

It makes sense, thought Subaru bitterly. Our relationship has always been a game, and right now it's a game that Seishirou-san sees himself as losing, so of course he's going to do whatever it takes to get back at me but thing is, I don't want to play a game, I don't want our relationship to be an endless competition, it should be something real with compromise instead of scoring points …

Compromise. Give and take. Hokuto in her note had asked him to stop being so hard on Seishirou. The suggestion had affronted Subaru, not only because he thought his twin should support him unconditionally, but because he found the very idea of needing to go easy on Seishirou laughable. This was Seishirou they were talking about, arrogantly independent and emotionless Seishirou with the blood of heaven knew how many people on his hands, including Hokuto's. As far as Subaru was concerned the man didn't need any leniency at all, in fact he didn't deserve it, so why was Hokuto asking Subaru to be the one to give?

Because thus far I have given nothing.

He stiffened; he hadn't expected that thought. Gingerly he tested it again in his mind – I have given nothing – and found it overlaid with quiet, weary guilt that hit deep and true. Hokuto had said that he was making things difficult for Seishirou, and she had a point, a very good point because really, Subaru had held himself back, he had rebuffed Seishirou's advances and sometimes openly avoided him, even before that clash in the teacher's office. In contrast Seishirou was always the one inviting him out, driving him places and generally making time to spend with him. Little gestures, really, but over time they meant so much. Even if it was all just part of Seishirou's veterinarian act the stark reality was that of the two of them it was Seishirou who was putting all the effort into the illusory relationship. In comparison Subaru was giving nothing, and what he did was given grudgingly. Almost … resentfully.

Ash on the balustrade; his cigarette had burned down. With a small shudder Subaru brought it to his lips and attempted to smoke what little remained; there was nothing left and nervously he flicked the remnants away to fall to the street below. All this time, resenting the fact that Seishirou could or would not give anything of himself when really, he himself was just as guilty of not giving, perhaps even more so nowadays since although he knew how badly he had rattled the Sakurazukamori with his revelations Subaru still could not bring himself to show any graciousness to the one who had murdered his twin. His twin, who right now was out shopping with friends, and whose first act upon returning would undoubtedly be to see if he had eaten his dinner …

Subaru froze.

Seishirou did not remember killing Hokuto that past life – and in this one, Hokuto was still alive.

 

"It's rather tiring to hear you go on about how I kill Hokuto-chan when as far as I'm concerned I haven't actually done anything."

 

The harsh truth came together without any fanfare at all.

I'm punishing Seishirou-san for something he hasn't done yet.

An epiphany of sorts, but one like a kick to the stomach. Even so there was some feeble, unattractive part of him that couldn't help but get defensive – so he wasn't being particularly nice to Seishirou, so what? The man had no heart, he didn't care, and he certainly couldn't be hurt … the words ran hollow; there was no justifying himself. Seishirou's capacity to feel pain was irrelevant; it just wasn't right of Subaru to act so insensitively – and he knew it.

He had always known it.

A feeling of dread began to sink in his stomach, and Subaru put his head in his hands. It's probably a good thing Hokuto-chan isn't home, he thought dully. If we talked about this and she knew what I've done – am still doing to Seishirou-san, she'd be furious with me for being such an absolute jerk. He squeezed his eyes shut. So now what do I do? There's only a few more weeks left in the Bet, I have to fix this, I have to do something, I—

I have to apologise.

Subaru bit his lip. An apology to Seishirou, who was perfectly capable of throwing it back in his face, or worse not caring, was easier said than done. On the other hand there was no getting around the fact that it had to be done, and soon. He would go tomorrow, Subaru told himself, go find and talk to Seishirou sometime after lunch … but tomorrow afternoon he and Hokuto were leaving for Kyōto, and given how often interruptions came up at the clinic he wasn't keen on trying to see Seishirou during work hours.

In the end, there was really only one option.

Subaru took a deep breath. Then he stood up, a shaky thing to do given what the chilly night had done to his muscles, and went back into his bedroom where the cigarette lighter was returned to its hiding place in the wardrobe at the back of the top shelf. He fetched his coat. The digital clock beside his bed read 8:52 PM. Late, but not too late, for an evening visit.

Gloved hands clenched into fists. Then, before he could think about his decision any further Subaru put on his shoes, and, leaving Hokuto's dinner untouched, exited his apartment carrying nothing but his keys and an uneasy determination.

 

* * *

 

It was almost nine-thirty by the time Subaru arrived at the low building that was Seishirou's apartment and the veterinary clinic. There were no lights on.

Subaru stared up at the black windows hoping against hope that one of them would magically light up. Of course, none of the windows obliged him and Subaru gave a long sigh as the anti-climax dropped him like a lead weight to the point that even the part of him that was relieved at avoiding yet another confrontation with the Sakurazukamori couldn't completely counter his disappointment. So Seishirou-san isn't home, he thought resignedly. It figures. Knowing him he's probably out for dinner, or worse, a job—

The attack came from behind, yanking on his arm and jerking him around to slam face first into the wall. Subaru choked as pain blossomed from his cheek through his shoulder and ribs, trying instinctively to defend himself only for his captured arm to be twisted against his back in a strong grip. "Well, this is certainly unexpected," said a familiar, deliberately casual voice. "It's inconsiderate to lay an ambush at someone's front door, you know."

Somehow Subaru forced himself to stay calm and not struggle. "Seishirou-san. I thought you were out."

"I was. I'm back." Long fingers tightened like a vice around his wrist. "What are you doing here?"

"I need to talk to you."

"Again? You mean this morning wasn't enough?"

"It's something different this time."

"Which is—?"

He could feel his breath skittering against the wall, and in extreme close-up the uneven paint looked especially grimy. Subaru kept his voice level. "I'm not telling you like this, if you want to know we have to talk properly. Face to face."

"Hm." Without warning Subaru was released, and he sagged against the wall for a moment before turning around to find Seishirou watching him with a smile that did nothing to lessen the sharpness of his eyes. Contrary to Subaru's expectations he was dressed in slacks and a loose dark green sweater over a white shirt, and there was a shopping bag in his left hand. He didn't have his glasses on. "Well?" Seishirou asked.

Unconsciously Subaru massaged his abused wrist, trying to calm his heartbeat. The two of them stood beyond the illumination given by the closest streetlamp, and there was just enough ambient light to make the shadows all the darker. The street to either side of them was empty of people and cars but it would still be used as a local thoroughfare throughout the night, and in any case it just didn't feel right to have this conversation out in the open. "Ah, can we talk inside?"

Seishirou raised an eyebrow at him. "Aren't you supposed to be packing for Kyōto tomorrow?"

"The train doesn't leave until five. Please, Seishirou-san, it's important."

There was a brief pause Seishirou simply looked at him, and for a second Subaru thought he was going to be told to leave. Then Seishirou shrugged and gestured Subaru towards the door of the stairwell. Inwardly Subaru breathed a sigh of relief before going to open the door, and tried not to think about the risk he was putting himself in as he ascended the stairs. While it was certainly better to talk to Seishirou at home instead of at work where they would inevitably be interrupted it was also a lot more dangerous. Should anything go wrong there would be nothing and no one to save him … he arrived at the door of the apartment and politely moved aside for Seishirou to unlock it, unable to help noticing the way Seishirou stood so as to always keep an eye on him. There was a faint shift in the air as Seishirou inserted his key, like a low note on a cello sliding up a semitone, and Subaru immediately recognised the presence of high-level wards. Of course there had always been wards over Seishirou's apartment, but whereas before they had been subtle and moderate now the wards were formidable, undoubtedly the result of significant strengthening after what had happened at the MS Institute. Suddenly it dawned on Subaru just how little Seishirou trusted him.

The door swung open. Seishirou stood to one side and waited for Subaru to go in first. Subaru did not keep him waiting, stepping inside to darkness. He hesitated a moment, trying as he slid out of his shoes to squint and make out the shapes that made up the inside of Seishirou's apartment, only to blink as Seishirou switched on a light. "Ah, thank you."

"Mm." Chink as keys were presumably put somewhere, then Seishirou stepped around him into a set of navy blue house slippers. Feeling somewhat awkward Subaru put his own shoes off to one side, slipping a little in his socks; there wasn't a set of house slippers for him because really, that night after confronting Mai's mother aside, Subaru practically never came inside Seishirou's apartment. On the other hand, almost from the very start of their acquaintance Hokuto had bought Seishirou not one but two pairs of house slippers, a blue pair to use in Subaru's apartment and a pink pair to use in hers, and both were well worn, Seishirou visited that often …

 

"He spends all his time with us, you especially. He wouldn't do that if you didn't mean something to him even if you are making it difficult nowadays."

 

"You caught me while I was out at the shops," said Seishirou, his voice deceptively idle as it floated down the hall. Subaru slowly followed it. "I got some iced coffee, would you like to have some?"

"Ah, no thank you." He entered the living area to find Seishirou in the kitchen putting away the contents of the shopping bag, and couldn't help but blink. Seishirou in a veterinary clinic was familiar; Seishirou hunting the city streets was easily imagined, but this, this simple domestic task was something new. Why hadn't he ever thought of it before?

"Suit yourself." A huff of air as the fridge was shut, then Seishirou was moving into the living area. "So what is it this time? I have to say I'm intrigued – after everything you've told me over the past few days what could you possibly have left to say?"

He leaned against the back of the couch, arms folded in a constructed impression of casualness. No doubt he could easily snap out of it into combat at the slightest provocation, and Subaru made sure he kept his hands where Seishirou could see them. "I … want to apologise," he said quietly.

"What for?"

"For—" A catch in his throat. Subaru took a breath. "For my behaviour towards you these past few weeks. How I've been treating you, I mean. I've never really shown you any gratitude for all the attention you've given me, even though I wanted it, and it's been worse ever since the MS Institute. I've been rude and inconsiderate because I can't forgive what you've done, and that's unfair of me. All those things you did – I mean, that I remember you doing … they haven't happened yet. You haven't done any of it, and what's more, you don't remember, so it's wrong of me to treat you as if you have. I know that now, and I … I want to say I'm sorry."

Silence followed this, acute enough to cut, certainly complete enough for Subaru to hear the echoes of his trembling voice. He held himself taut, bracing for some kind of reprisal from the man in front of him shadowed despite the forlorn kitchen light and oh so still. There was a clock ticking somewhere, he realised uneasily, a relentless, foreboding reminder of time ever-passing—

Seishirou raised his head slightly and looked at Subaru. His eyes were cool. "What did I do to you?" he asked.

Subaru blinked, confused at the unexpected question, then turned away. "I told you," he said shortly. "I told you what you did."

"I know. However, your explanation was rather concise and abrupt; it doesn't really say much about you."

"What do you expect me to say?" Subaru retorted, unable to stop himself glaring. "That you broke my heart? That you shattered what was left of it by murdering my sister? That you ruined my life and I would have killed myself if it weren't for you and the Promised Day? That you—" He broke off; Seishirou was silently laughing. "What!"

The Sakurazukamori grinned. "Despite apologising for your behaviour you're still rather touchy." Suddenly his gaze turned sharp. "Let me go Within you."

"Huh?"

"Within. Let me See what I did to you."

There were many, many reasons why this wasn't a good idea. For some reason Subaru could only think of one. "I don't trust you," he said defensively.

"We're under the Bet, Subaru-kun, I'm not allowed to harm you. Besides," Seishirou added, raising an eyebrow, "don't you want me to know? If I See your memories I might even remember myself."

Subaru bit his lip. He shouldn't, he really shouldn't, it was dangerous, he would be completely exposed if he let the Sakurazukamori into his mind, but then again, Seishirou had a point. If Seishirou could truly see all the hurt that had been inflicted, maybe he could understand why Subaru felt the way he did. In any case, given that Subaru had just acknowledged how little he was giving in this relationship it would look rather bad to say no … he swallowed thickly. "You won't do anything other than look?"

"If you show me everything, I won't have to."

A counter, not an answer. Then again, Seishirou wasn't the kind of person who answered questions directly. Subaru heaved a deep breath. "All right."

Seishirou smiled. Then he held out his hand and gestured for Subaru to come closer. Warily Subaru took a step towards him, watching the way Seishirou pushed himself off the couch and told himself not to react when Seishirou's hand came to rest in the small of his back, guiding him like a half-wild creature that could bolt at the slightest hint of danger. Of course, he was already in danger and Subaru knew it, he was just doing this anyway. Wordlessly he let Seishirou sit him on the couch, pushing him gently but insistently to lie down until his head rested on a cushion. The cushion cover had the texture of corduroy; there were shadows stretching on the ceiling.

A weight settled against his hip. Apprehensive, Subaru rolled his head to one side to see Seishirou sitting on the edge of the couch, and at last the light from the kitchen was falling on his face. His lips were still smiling but the eyes, those were unreadable amber. "No changing your mind at the last minute," he warned. "Ready?"

Subaru nodded, mouth suddenly dry. What was he doing? No matter, too late now, because already Seishirou was reaching out to place a hand on his forehead, long fingers brushing away his fringe of hair. The touch made Subaru shiver.

"Sleep," Seishirou murmured.

A simple word, but one overlaid with magical command. Instantly Subaru's eyes closed, his body relaxing as if sinking into warm still water (have I really been that tense?) a sensation of disembodiment spreading through his limbs. Distantly Subaru wondered at the gentleness of the spell – usually Seishirou put him to sleep the way someone would push a person off a cliff – but the thought drifted away like snowflakes as gradually his mind fell into trance.

"Noubou akyasha kyarabaya om arikya aribori sowaka kyarabaya noubou akyasha…"

He was suspended in a dark, quiet space far below waking but not quite slumber. Like dreaming, the restless kind where he knew he was in a dream but unable to control anything. Save for an undefined heaviness he was no longer aware of his physical form; there was just himself, his consciousness making up that inner space complete and undisturbed …

"… kyarabaya om arikya aribori sowaka …"

… until it was touched by the focus of that person.

Subaru-kun.

A query, the mental equivalent of a knock on a door. It was more courtesy than anything, for when necessary an onmyouji could trespass into the minds of others braving any resistance, but unlike Mitsuki and Kamui who had to be rescued from themselves Subaru was aware of what was happening and could give or refuse consent to his visitor. Of course, with this person, he had already done so. One by one layers of darkness silently slid away like shoji screens, creating a twisting path for the traveller in his mind who did not hesitate. With palpable single-mindedness Seishirou began to descend, falling down and down into the infinite darkness of Subaru's inner self, a lone figure wrapped in black coat and resolute purpose, deferentially touching nothing for even though Subaru was giving him safe passage through his shields there were other, less passive defences, defences guided not by conscious thought but reflex and instinct that had held the Sakurazukamori in vehement suspicion ever since—

 

tiny petals falling like rain, the shadows of his unlocked memories living once more before his horrified eyes showing him first test, his first corpse and his first love as revealed by that person—

"I am the Sakurazukamori. The one who uses onmyoujitsu to kill. An assassin."

—no no no NO it couldn't be true it was impossible that his closest friend and the one he loved could be his family's mortal enemy, someone who had the blood of hundreds on his hands, someone so cruel—

 

The memory slipped out before he could stop it, winking into view not far from Seishirou who immediately paused to observe. A magnificent cherry tree, a man callously destroying a helpless boy …

 

"For me, breaking your arm is like breaking glass …"

—pain, all the more sharper for the wound it inflicted on his heart—

"… I feel nothing."

—he couldn't fight back, not like this, not against the person to whom he had given all his trust—

"We made a Bet long ago, remember? The next time we meet I will spend an entire year with you. If after this time I felt something towards you then we would continue as we were, and I wouldn't do anything other than watch over and protect you. If you became someone I considered 'special', even just a little bit, I would not kill you. But …"

—crushing weight on his broken arm as that person stepped on him, not even giving him the dignity of a proper death—

"…it seems to have been all for naught."

—the flowers were ensnaring and lifting him and he was too horrified to even scream as they began to take him, the pain from his broken arm and body slowly growing numb as he sank into living wood—

"Why do you look so sad? Are you really so hurt that I have betrayed you? People betraying people … this kind of thing happens in Tokyo every day."

—and yet his heart, so wholly lost to his smiling, unfeeling tormentor would not stop hurting, would not be numbed from the agony of betrayal—

 

The end of the Bet. It was yet to happen in this life but as far as Subaru was concerned he had lost it long ago, and the darkness of his mind took on the thickness of old blood as he vividly remembered the abuse suffered – abuse that hurt all the more because it came from the hands of the person he still considered special.

 

"I don't hate you – but I don't love you either."

—absolute despair that could come only out of love so contemptuously scorned—

 

This is how it ended, Subaru thought, trying not to sound accusing with only partial success, and Seishirou glanced upwards with an unreadable expression. This is what you did to me; this is how you broke my heart.

This is how you changed me forever.

 

"To me, you're nothing more than an object that merely exists."

 

Calm, indifferent words that carried easily through the stillness without echo. Even though it was he himself that spoke Seishirou displayed no reaction, studying instead the scene before him, the way the memory of himself, one eye bandaged, reached up to touch the child-Subaru's face as the Sakura slowly took its victim. The wood had been cold, Subaru remembered, cold with the whisperings of those who had been killed—

 

white robes glowing in an illusory night as the girl slowly walked towards the Tree

 

Another memory, another focus. Immediately the ensnared child-Subaru began to fade as the image of Hokuto approached the Sakura, and the memory of Seishirou did as well, dissolving into hundreds of tiny pink petals. At the same time he reappeared beneath the Sakura's shade with arms folded in an attitude of patience and one eye milky white as he watched the girl draw closer … it was an instantly recognisable scene and the darkness of his mind rippled uneasily as Subaru mentally cringed before the nightmare that had haunted him for nine years. The real Seishirou, both eyes whole and lit with cool interest, did not notice this as he watched himself watch the girl approach—

 

"At last I've found you," said Hokuto quietly.

Sei – no, the Sakurazukamori, did not reply. Hokuto's eyes burned emerald. "Listen to me. I will never let you kill my brother. I will never let you kill Subaru. I swear I will not let that happen."

Flowers falling like snow, dancing with but never quite touching the figure in white and the figure in black. Seishirou's remaining amber eye was cool. "You can't defeat me, Hokuto-chan," he said quietly.

Hokuto, brave, headstrong Hokuto, did not flinch. "I know."

 

once again Subaru could hear himself screaming his sister's name pleading for her to run from the assassin now standing Within watching this most horrible memory of

 

"So, I want you to kill me."

An amber flash of shock, quickly covered by … a smile? Yes, it was a smile, a small, strangely soft expression that was completely at odds with the cruelty of what was about to happen. Deliberately, Seishirou stepped towards Hokuto.

"Very well."

 

that beloved person's hand stabbing through the body of his beloved twin who didn't even cry out as her life

 

blood, so red on white and black and palest pink

 

spilled out and all he could do was watch in a horror that twisted the fabric of his mind into desperate arms that clawed towards his sister's murderer forcing Seishirou to break off his watching in order to avoid being caught. In the way of dreams Seishirou stepped away, moving into the negative space between memories where he dropped like a leaf falling past a large grey window—

 

"I'm going to quit school." Hands clenched so hard his fingernails drew blood, but the pain was nothing compared to what had just been gouged from his heart. "I can't waste any time because starting today I'm going to hunt him down."

Shocked silence in the room behind him, from the old woman who had saved his life and watched over what was left. He squeezed his eyes shut seeing only one thing: Hokuto's weeping face and her last embrace before she had left to find the man who would kill her, who they had once called friend …

"I, and only I, will kill him."

 

—down through cold depths where loneliness and mourning swirled together to fill passing years defined by jobs and nightmares and driven only by the constant, burning desire for what Subaru then believed was revenge. Bespelled and this far into himself, although Subaru was aware of what was taking place he was unable to act, without control over the depths of his subconscious so that like a torn video reel his memories played fragmented around Seishirou: the months spent recovering in Kyōto, his grandmother relentlessly asking questions he could never truly answer and the terrible argument they had had when he insisted on returning to Tokyo, the taste of his first cigarette more bitterness than nicotine, nights spent reliving the past and days disconnected from the rest of the world as he searched fruitlessly for that person distracted only by ghosts of the dead, some of whom were more alive than he himself who was living—

 

"Only a sick heart can keep thinking of just one person."

 

—it was too much, years of pain and grief and despair compressed into moments and felt all at once. Try as he might Subaru could not view his memories with any kind of detachment and like a sea before a storm his mindscape was ominously disturbed, making things all the more dangerous for Seishirou who remained a single point of calm amongst it all—

 

If he wasn't dreaming of blood and sakura he was dreaming of finding Seishirou, of confronting the man and making him see just what he had done before finally taking revenge for Hokuto's murder. Except, in his dreams, he never got to the actual act of killing Seishirou. Always he would draw his knife to level it at Seishirou's throat or heart and watch the perpetual smile fade … and then stop. He hated it, hated it as proof of his own weakness for if he couldn't even kill Seishirou in his imagination how could he do it for real, and each time he woke up he would squeeze his eyes shut against the tears and swear that next time, next time he would see the end of it …

He was nineteen before he finally managed the conclusion. When he did he once again violently jerked awake, this time in horror because rather than spilling Seishirou's blood he had kissed him instead, and worst still, dreamed of being kissed back—

 

Love mixed with hate mixed with desperation mixed with despair. Helplessly Subaru saw Seishirou head towards the memory, away from the congealing darkness to watch—

 

—the dream persisted no matter how much he fought it, sometimes three nights in a row, sometimes ambushing him after a whole week. Each time Subaru would jerk awake shaking in helpless rage and anguish because he didn't want to believe it, didn't want to think about the implications, but relentlessly the dream wore him down, the kisses becoming something else more passionate and intimate until it was impossible to hide and there was only the bitter, horrible truth that despite Hokuto's death and the betrayal he still loved Seishirou and therefore would be unable to kill him—

 

—Subaru choke himself awake in the unholy hours of the night, eyes frantic and unseeing for a moment before full consciousness was reasserted and, trembling, he curled over himself as if something inside was slowly breaking apart. In this memory there was moonlight pouring from an invisible window to illuminate the island that was Subaru's bed and glinting off something close by: a standing mirror, its face smashed and shards scattered at its base coated in months of dust. Little other detail existed in the memory which was strangely colourless, as if this were something Subaru had done his best to forget … the image of Subaru slowly unclenched to fix desperate eyes upon the shattered mirror – and then, with the clarity of dulled bells, a single thought was heard:

 

it would be so easy to end it

 

Horror rising like a tide as Subaru in his powerless omniscience watched himself crawl from bed to the shattered mirror – had he really done this? he didn't want to remember – expression one of almost feverish abstraction as fingers grasped a jagged shard. The shard had been unwieldy, he remembered, and the edges had drawn dark drops of blood that ran down his hand as he pressed the glass into the flesh of his wrist—

Seishirou reached out and touched.

The mindscape twisted. Wildly Subaru turned around, hand bleeding and pain shooting up his arm – surely he was alone in this dark place, alone as he had always been ever since he had been betrayed and his sister killed, but no, there was someone here with a hand on his shoulder and eyes of amber-gold and – oh gods, it wasn't just any person but that person, that person who was the cause of it all, that person who had killed Hokuto-chan and taken his heart who he loved and hated and would never be able to kill … Seishirou's lips moved, but Subaru couldn't hear a word. In his mind, something snapped.

The walls of his bedroom shattered outwards. Subaru blinked; suddenly he was standing beneath a burning building – Nakano? – wearing a long coat that stank of smoke as the backs of his hands tingled, but all of that ceased to matter when he realised who it was he was facing, their first meeting in nine years. Emotion filled him but he would not show it, would not let this man see how he still affected him … "I've been searching for you for a long time now," Subaru said softly.

Seishirou's expression was calm, but there was something off, something not right that Subaru couldn't quite put his finger on, and it confused him in a way that even the growing black lines in the sky could not. "Why?" asked Seishirou.

On cue Subaru closed his eyes and cupped his hands together, summoning in his palms a star that expanded up and outwards to cut them off from the world. Seishirou watched with great interest as Subaru intoned, "To make my Wish a reality."

He expected Seishirou to reply to this, something about the kekkai and the fate of the world, but no response was forthcoming, only a level amber-gold gaze. "Did you wish to kill me?" Seishirou finally asked.

No – and there it was, a line in the script he recognised and he began to chant, hands folded before him to focus the spell that would hold Seishirou here with him forever and ever and for some reason Seishirou did not respond, only looked up with two whole eyes at the fracturing sky above them before spreading wings to fly out and away … Subaru wanted to follow but bitterness tied his feet—

—sky collapsing like broken glass—

—people around him, a teenage boy beside a girl with long black hair, another younger girl with a dog and others with names he knew he knew and for some reason a large hawk perched offside observing him with piercing golden eyes, but he couldn't think about the hawk because he was filled with horror at the sight before them: a fragile body bound to a cross of girders with long blonde hair tumbling over the sword in her chest, a boy bleeding and broken and screaming at a dark figure standing on the arm of the cross, and Subaru hurt to see this because what was happening was just like his own past … the thought dissolved the scene into hundreds of doves leaving behind the image of a frightened little boy. As the doves swooped upon the hawk Subaru found himself explaining once again to Kamui why despite everything he continued— "It will most likely depress everyone that knows me," he was saying. "But I, I cannot stop wishing."

Violet eyes gazed up with sorrowful understanding. "Because he was special?"

Feathers, grey-black and white and blood-spotted floating down like snow. They fell in Subaru's hair as he silently bowed his head in answer to Kamui's question … and then Kamui gave a thin, cruel smile. Before Subaru's eyes the child that was Kamui began to shift, morphing into a young man whose eyes burned with purpose—

"If you don't concentrate, your kekkai is going to break … 'Subaru-kun'."

—he was violently thrown back onto a pile of rubble, stunned and badly wounded by the backlash of his broken spell and unable to move as he watched the /Kamui/ approach. At least, he was sure it was the other /Kamui/ but for some reason the young man's face kept mercurially flickering between his own and— "You," Subaru croaked out, and the word rattled in his throat, "why do you and Seishirou-san—"

"—look so much alike?" The /Kamui/ gave a thin smile, one utterly devoid of mercy as he yanked Subaru's head back. His other hand was poised before Subaru's face like a spear. "It's because you Wished for it."

There was a scream then, and although Subaru thought it should be Kamui – his Kamui – for some reason the scream sounded like that of a furious bird, but now there was absolute agony in his skull as brutal fingers stabbed into his eye crushing sclera and nerves to plunge him into darkness, yet even as he felt himself sinking into the thick night he felt strangely content because yes, the /Kamui/ was right, this was what he had wanted, he wanted to atone for Seishirou's lost eye, he wanted Seishirou to kill him … the thought turned into a whisper of sunlight and gauze then a quiet voice asking, "The only person who can make you truly happy is the Sakurazukamori, right?"

Yes, Subaru thought, and there was Kamui again, sitting by his side with those haunted eyes that even now were hurting on his behalf, but still Subaru was sinking and soon Kamui, too, faded from view. All around him Subaru sensed days and kekkai crumbling one by one like castles of sand bringing them all closer to the end, but they were tangential, distractions from what was critical to him, namely that the End of the World meant that he would see Seishirou again and seek the fulfilment of his Wish. Already anticipation was building, tightening in his gut and turning the darkness thick and heavy – he had long given up fighting his dreams and now that they were so near the end he let them become fantasy, a private indulgence of 'what if' and 'maybe' where kisses became caresses and passion turned those into something more in imagined intimacies that shamed him even as they excited, but they were just that, fantasy, and when at last the Final Day arrived Subaru accepted they would never be anything more …

"So. This is how it ends."

… he opened his eyes to the Final Day. All around him there was fire, an eerily silent inferno of grey flames that licked the sky. He wore the white robes of his office and there was a bandage around his head shutting off his blinded eye, but none of this was important because there in front of him stood the Sakurazukamori. The man was smiling beneath his mask of sunglasses. "Any regrets?" Seishirou asked calmly.

There were so many things he could say, so many things he wanted to ask. "How could I not have any," he replied quietly.

A slight smile. "Of course."

"What about you?"

The look Seishirou gave him was one of mild curiosity. Around them the fires were blurring, fading into black like mist. "What do you mean?"

"After seventeen years, Seishirou-san, can you still say that you cannot differentiate me from a glass? Can you still say that you feel nothing?"

"For you?"

The barest hesitation. "Yes."

To this Seishirou gave a soft laugh, ignoring completely the growing void around them. "You're always so cute, Subaru-kun."

The same joke, the same teasing compliment. Subaru didn't blush this time, but waited patiently for an answer, not even sure if he wanted one, but his question was asked and they would soon be dead so there were no reasons to play or lie any more. Seishirou looked thoughtful. "I'm … disappointed that our game has to end. It was one of the few interesting things in my life."

"And me?"

The gaze behind the sunglasses fixed upon his face, and Subaru felt something burn. "For you … it is what a child feels for a favourite toy he cannot live without."

A flash of dull red against the void – the words hurt despite how much he willed them not to, especially when to him this person had always been so much more … but then, like a tiny mosaic piece, the significance of what had just been said sank in. For this person to even give an answer, let alone such an answer as this … Subaru could do nothing but stare as his heart unfolded into bitter joy.

Somewhere in the silence, a hawk was soaring.

Subaru stepped closer. Looked up into the barrier of the sunglasses and smiled. "You answered the question," he said softly.

The mocking smile abruptly disappeared. It seemed that Seishirou had forgotten to breathe, so still was he as he realised what had happened. Then, as Subaru watched, very deliberately the sunglasses were removed and put away until finally Seishirou was looking at him properly with those mismatched eyes. They were beautiful eyes, always had been and still were despite one being blinded white, and for once instead of guarded or condescending they were open, startled, even, and in meeting them Subaru could have wept as he realised that, really, he had never lost the Bet, only that it had not been long enough.

Then Seishirou blinked and looked down at him. Smiled again, only this time instead of the familiar smirk it was something soft. Regretful, even. "I suppose I did," he said.

The world around them had vanished to black – desperately Subaru closed the space between them and threw his arms around Seishirou not caring anymore about how such a gesture would be taken. He felt Seishirou freeze, but then, hesitantly, a pair of arms came up to press him close … Subaru squeezed his eyes shut against the heartache; this was impossible, this was real, and this was all they would have together.

But at least he knew. And now he would get his Wish.

"Shall we end this?" Seishirou murmured.

He sighed, intimate against Seishirou's neck. Accepting. "Yes."

A piercing call sounded, loud and defiant, but Subaru didn't listen, couldn't listen in fact, not what all he could think about was that this, finally, would be the end. Already he could feel half of Seishirou's embrace releasing him, the hum of power collecting around the assassin's hand as it prepared to strike, and squeezing his eyes shut Subaru slid a single white ofuda from his sleeve. Kissed it as if to soften his own fatal strike. "Don't let go," he whispered, fumbling to press the ofuda against Seishirou's heart, "don't ever let go—"

Out of nowhere came wings, powerful wings of grey-black that beat against his head. Wildly Subaru opened his eyes to see a hawk – no, an eagle – slashing at the Sakurazukamori who didn't even raise a hand to defend himself, and Subaru gave an anguished cry as Seishirou was torn from him. Cruel talons gouged out skin and flesh – the ofuda Subaru had drawn was still in his hand, and without thinking he flung it at the eagle to drive it away at the same time frantically reaching out for Seishirou. Somehow he managed to grab a handful of Seishirou's coat and he pulled at it desperately trying to bring his beloved back – and stared in shock as the coat turned to mist in his fingers. No, not even mist. Just … nothing.

Horrified, Subaru looked up from his empty hands at the carnage in front of him. What was left of it. Every piece, every shred of the Sakurazukamori the eagle had ripped away had simply faded into black and what was left was likewise blurring. Even as he watched, a breath later Seishirou was gone entirely.

Subaru was left alone.

"—u-kun—"

He didn't believe it at first. The void of his world yawned around him, not just above and around but below and he didn't know if he was flying or falling as he desperately searched for that person, shouting his name in a pleading voice that didn't even echo back … inexorably the reality of his situation closed around him, dense and suffocating even as the backs of his hands began to glow and the darkness rang with a desolate cry swelling in pitch and volume beyond comprehension—

"—aru-k—"

—utter despair and loss given voice from his own throat; he wanted to end, wanted to cease entirely so that he didn't have to think didn't have to hurt didn't have to live only his hands were burning and the light from the stars was growing brighter and brighter and hurting until their silver brilliance scorched away the black and he was screaming in agony—

"Subaru-kun!"

—suddenly he was here, here and shaking so violently he thought he would fall apart and there was solidity beneath him and heat and strong hands on either side of his face as he stared wildly up into amber-gold eyes—

"Look at me. Subaru-kun, look at me this is what's real—"

—he jerked up with a cry and flung his arms around Seishirou's neck.

Time slowed, spread out like calming water. It wasn't enough for Subaru. The confusion, the disorientation of then and now, grief and respite, everything flooded over him making the sheer relief he felt so acute as to almost be torture and all he could do was weep. He shivered with cold; he clung to Seishirou the way a stranded survivor clings to driftwood, burying his face in warm, dark green wool as he uncontrollably sobbed barely feeling the way Seishirou held him close because Seishirou was here, he was alive – and real.

Seishirou was whispering something against his ear. Caught up in heartache and the onset of shock, Subaru wasn't listening.

 

* * *

 

"You look upset," commented Hokuto. They were sitting in the reserve section of the shinkansen to Kyōto, Hokuto in the aisle seat, Subaru staring silently out the window. Outside in the sunset light Tokyo's sea of buildings seemed to fall away in waves, parting like water from the bullet train cleaving through them. "Is it because you didn't manage to see Sei-chan before leaving?"

Subaru didn't answer. He'd gotten home last night home before she did, and so drained was he that he had gone straight to bed. No doubt Hokuto would have looked in on him when she eventually returned from her social outing, but even had Subaru not been asleep already he would have pretended to be so simply to avoid dealing with any questions. Perhaps she had assumed he had spent the whole day working and was exhausted, for she had let him sleep until noon only waking him for lunch. After that they had been kept busy packing and preparing the apartments for their absence … one day, maybe, Subaru would tell her the truth about confronting Seishirou yesterday, but not yet. Hokuto sighed. "I suppose these things happen. Though you'd think that he would have made time to see you off, in which case we might have had a lift to Shinagawa instead of having to taxi."

Subaru made himself speak. "We shouldn't presume so much on Seishirou-san doing things for us, Hokuto-chan."

"I know, I know, but would have been a good bonus. Ah well, if he was busy at work I suppose it can't be helped." With a little grunt she shifted the suitcase that was sitting on the floor between them to fit better – it had been open to them as Sumeragi to go for the green car but as Hokuto had put it taking the most expensive option for a two hour trip was rather outrageous especially for a pair of high school students – then fell back into her seat with a sigh. "Have to admit, though, it'd be nice to stay in Tokyo for once and see a new year in with Sei-chan and other friends for a change. What's Sei-chan doing for New Years, I suppose he's also going off to see his family?"

For the Sakurazukamori, the succession ritual is to kill our predecessor … Subaru's jaw tightened. "Maybe."

"In which case there wouldn't have been much point in us spending New Years in Tokyo. Though Sei-chan's never spoken about any of his family – other than being a Sakurazuka of course." Subaru didn't trust himself to reply to this, and soon felt Hokuto give him a Look. "You know, Subaru, there's only so long we can go without telling Obaa-chama about Sei-chan, especially if you're taking the relationship seriously."

Relationship. Did one even exist in this time? Subaru didn't know …

 

"Here." Dully Subaru looked up at the steaming mug held before him, the dark green of the sweater behind it. "Drink it; even if you're not thirsty it'll warm you up."

The mug waited insistently, the fingers holding it brooking no argument. Slowly Subaru reached out of the blanket's shroud to obey; he wasn't shaking anymore but his fingers were still unsteady, and Seishirou kept a good grip on the mug until it was safely enclosed between Subaru's gloved hands. "Thank you," Subaru whispered; his throat felt raw.

"You're welcome. How are your hands?"

Subaru blinked; it took a moment for the question to sink in, and when it did only then did he realise that what he had thought was a mental echo of the injuries suffered Within was an actual physical throbbing on the backs of his hands, not quite sharp enough to be painful but certainly enough to be unpleasant. Without thinking he hooked his right thumb under the wrist of the left glove— "No, don't take them off," said Seishirou, and Subaru automatically stopped, "I won't have your grandmother's magic activated in my home, but when you get the opportunity to check you're likely to find burn lines where the marks are. You were rather hard to wake up."

"… oh." A brief pause. "I'm sorry."

Seishirou didn't reply. Uneasily Subaru sipped his tea, trying not to think about his hands. He sensed Seishirou step away – for a moment Subaru hoped that he was going to sit down on the couch beside him but no, instead the man went to lean against the adjacent chair. Subaru felt a pang of disappointment. He had been loathe to let Seishirou go earlier, and considering what had just happened … "What about you?" he asked hesitantly. "Are you all right?"

"Me? I'm perfectly fine. Your defences are rather polite in that all they want is to drive people out."

"Did you See what you wanted?"

"I saw enough."

Such controlled words. Subaru almost dreaded his next question. "Do you remember anything?"

"No."

Long silence, even longer shadows. Subaru stared into his barely touched tea wondering why he wasn't dropping it. Then he heard a sigh. "It's late. You're going to Kyōto tomorrow; you should get some rest and recover. Finish your tea and I'll drive you home."

That was it. After all that effort, after everything he had risked and suffered in letting the Sakurazukamori Within him, this was all Seishirou would say. Squeezing his eyes shut Subaru put his mug of tea on the floor and stood to get his shoes …

 

The lines could be felt through the leather gloves like whip welts; restless, Subaru ran fingers over the back of his left hand tracing the five-pointed star, vaguely aware in the window's reflection of the way Hokuto, tactfully realising her brother wasn't in the mood for talk, settled down with a fashion magazine. Last night he had become lost in his own mind to the point that he had almost died again, or, at the very least, sunk to such depths of himself that he might never have woken up. Seishirou had saved him from that, saved him then sent him home as if his actions had been nothing at all. And to think that already the year was almost over …

Amber sunset turned to black as the shinkansen hurtled into a tunnel. Subaru shuddered, turned away from the window, and tried to lose himself sleep.

 

Chapter Twelve

Chapter Fourteen

NOTES:
- Christmas in Japan isn't a national holiday, but it's been appropriated from the West as another excuse for festivals and is seen as a 'romantic' night for couples. Beethoven's Ninth 'Ode to Joy' Symphony is usually played in Japan on Christmas Eve, and it's that which Hokuto is singing (albeit not in German).
- At the beginning of the 1990's platforms were undergoing a revival and working their way into everything from platform boots to platform sneakers. I don't see Hokuto in chunky boots or any kind of sneaker, but a pair of neat Mary-Jane platforms on a not-quite-stiletto-thin heel in black patent leather would do her very nicely, and it, like most things Hokuto is described as wearing in this fic, is actually based off a pair I have in my wardrobe.
- In December 1990 the US dollar bought approximately ¥134, so Hokuto's shoes are worth over US$300 (and yes, I have paid out similar amounts for dress shoes and used exactly Hokuto's "investment" reasoning to justify them).
- Hokuto's comment about being 'Christmas cake' refers to Japanese women who are approaching thirty and are still unmarried. Cake shops always try to sell all their Christmas cakes before Christmas Eve, and any left over are viewed as being very old or past sell-by date; hence the metaphor for single women who are 'left on the shelf.'
- Stockholm Syndrome is a psychological response sometimes seen in abducted hostages in which the hostage bonds emotionally with the hostage-taker, despite the danger the hostage-taker poses to them. It's usually discussed in reference with other tensions such as battered person's syndrome, rape cases and child abuse.
- There is some evidence in Western society there is a higher incidence of suicide around Christmas.
- Regarding the timetable for the Bet, the exact dates aren't known. The only concrete dates we get in Tokyo Babylon are in book 1 and 2, when Subaru sees Mitsuki in 'Dream' but towards the end of the manga Hokuto's clothes get somewhat lighter implying the onset of spring, hence my interpretation of the Bet's timetable to end sometime in February before Subaru and Hokuto turn seventeen.
- The Tokaido Shinkansen between Tokyo to Kyōto departs Tokyo out of Shinagawa Station, and takes just over two hours.

the void