Nukume Dori
by Leareth
Chapter Ten
Subaru woke up with a sore neck and a vague crawling sensation on his skin. It was a moment before he realised why; he was sleeping on the couch, still dressed in yesterday's clothes, and the reason for this was because he had made himself stay up late to catch his sister when she returned. Obviously at some point his body had mutinied and gone to sleep anyway.
Sitting up slowly – sleeping on the couch hadn't been comfortable – Subaru looked around the apartment. Sunlight was glaring through the window, washing out the colours of the buildings beyond, whilst on the wall the clock indicated that it was past ten. Everything looked to be in order, and for a moment Subaru wondered if his fight with Hokuto yesterday had just been a figment of his imagination or not as bad as he thought it had been – but then he realised something was wrong. Usually at this hour of the morning there was breakfast waiting for him on the table with a set of hand-picked clothes, but there was nothing. In fact, his apartment looked exactly as it had when he had fallen asleep.
"I never asked you to take care of me in the first place!"
Subaru leapt for the door. He yanked it open, and, not even bothering to change his shoes, dashed across the hall to knock on the door directly opposite. "Hokuto-chan?"
No answer. Subaru knocked again, harder this time. "Hokuto-chan? Are you in there?"
Still no answer. Maybe Hokuto had gone out already for the day. If that was the case, then she had done so without bothering to go to his apartment and do any of the things she usually did for him in the morning. Subaru's gut twisted at the thought of his sister still being angry with him, and he desperately knocked again. "Hokuto-chan!"
Without warning the door opened. It revealed a rather annoyed Hokuto wrapped in a fluffy pink bathrobe with a fluffy pink towel around her head like a turban. "What!"
Relief swept over Subaru like a wave. "You're still here," he said thankfully.
"Well, of course I am, where else would I be?" Hokuto glared and adjusted the towel over her ear. "So what is it that you had to make me run out of the bathroom for?"
"Er …" Subaru trailed off; his sister's body language was impatient, not exactly welcoming, and with perfect timing his memory decided to remind him of some of the things he had said to her yesterday. He winced. "Um, can I come in?"
Hesitation flickered in Hokuto's emerald eyes for a second. "Sure." She stood aside. Subaru entered and she closed the door behind him. "What happened to your keys?" she asked.
"I—" Only then did Subaru realise how stupid he had been to bang on her door when he owned the means to open it. "I forgot."
"Well, that was just stupid of you, wasn't it." Hokuto's tone was airy, but there was a slight edge to it that spoke of wariness or guardedness. It made Subaru apprehensive but he steeled himself as he followed Hokuto into the main area of her apartment. "So is there any reason for you to come running over here?" she asked.
Subaru looked around the living area; it was littered with shopping bags of various shapes and colours, and there were clothes draped over the furniture, still with tags attached. Hokuto must have gone shopping yesterday. "I … I want to apologise."
Hokuto paused in the middle of the kitchen. "I see," she said neutrally.
That's not very encouraging. Subaru ploughed on. "About yesterday, when we … when I lost my temper and shouted at you, I didn't mean what I said. I just …" Subaru swallowed nervously; this wasn't the first time he had had to say sorry to his sister after an argument, but for some reason this occasion was particularly difficult. "I shouldn't have yelled at you. I shouldn't have said what I said. It was horrible of me because I know you were just worried about me, and I'm sorry. You wanted to help me and I hurt you instead." Still Hokuto hadn't turned to face him, a motionless statue wrapped in pink. Subaru wavered. "Can you … can you forgive me?" he asked in a small voice.
It was a moment before Hokuto responded. "What you said yesterday," she said quietly, strangely subdued, "what you said about not needing me – was that true?"
How could I— "No," replied Subaru.
"But you said it. If it's not true, then what did you mean?"
His heart was thumping, Subaru realised, and he clenched his hands as he tried to gather his thoughts. "I – I just, I didn't mean – I mean I—" Subaru caught himself and took a deep breath. "I didn't mean it like that. What I meant, the reason I was so upset yesterday, is … you don't need to decide everything for me or protect me all the time. Not that I'm saying that I don't need you to take care of me anymore," added Subaru hastily. "What I'm saying is, I want to be strong enough to support you the way you support me. If anything happened to you …" He trailed off, remembering silent rooms, crushing loneliness – blood, so red on white and black and pale pink – and whispered, "It would destroy me. I don't know what I'd do; I couldn't take joy in anything ever again. Losing you would break me." Still Hokuto did not reply or even move, and Subaru felt the first stirrings of real desperation, that maybe he really had damaged something beyond repair. "I know I haven't been telling you much, but please, bear with me, it means so much to me that you're with me always—"
"Subaru." He broke off as Hokuto turned around; her eyes were very bright. "Thank you."
Disbelief, hope – Hokuto came forward, quick, light steps that made no sound as Subaru's heart began to untwist itself, releasing a relief that was almost painful – and then Hokuto's arms were around him, holding him in a tight clasp that Subaru fiercely returned, burying his face in her shoulder. His cheeks were damp, he realised, but that wasn't important, not when his sister was with him, her love unconditional and as enfolding as her embrace, real and warm, and all the more poignant because Subaru knew what his world would be like if she was snatched away—
No. Don't think about it.
He clutched her closer.
"Of course I forgive you," Hokuto whispered. "And I'm sorry too – I shouldn't have lost my temper, and you're right, I do take too much charge when I should let you do things on your own. But also – I love you, Subaru; please don't ever push me away. Even if you don't want to tell me something … just know that I'm here, all right?"
"Yes." Subaru shut his eyes, something inside him finally beginning to breathe again. In silence the two siblings held each other, savouring their closeness and letting their presence speak what could not be put into words. Finally, they pulled away.
"Look at us." Hokuto wiped her eyes with her fingers and gave a shaky smile. "It's past ten and we're not even dressed, or at least I'm not. Actually, wait." Hokuto stepped back to check her brother over, eyes narrowing beneath the pink towel still wrapped around her head. "Isn't that what you were wearing yesterday?"
"Er …" Still somewhat raw from the emotional tension, Subaru tried to look unconcerned. "Well, I stayed up late last night waiting for you and ended up falling asleep on the couch, and then when I woke up the first thing I thought of was seeing you so—"
"Ew!" Comically Hokuto made a face, and just like that the apology session was officially over. "That's it – you're going to take a shower and I'm going to find you an outfit. After I get dressed, of course. Unless," she added hesitantly, "you already had something to wear?"
"Oh no." Subaru hastily waved off the idea. "I have no fashion sense, you know that! Besides, I like you dressing me up."
Hokuto's face brightened. "Great! Be back here in twenty minutes!" She turned to head towards her dressing room, only to change course as the cordless phone on the kitchen counter began to ring. She picked it up. "Hello, Sumeragi Hokuto speaking! Oh, obaa-chama!"
The identification of the caller made Subaru, already halfway to the door, stop and look back. Hokuto was leaning against the kitchen counter, fiddling with the tie of her bathrobe as she spoke. "Things are going fine here; I'm just about to get dressed and make breakfast! Yes, I've done all my homework. Yes, Subaru's in my apartment – I'll put him on." She held the phone out to him. "Obaa-chama wants to speak to you."
"Okay." Confused, Subaru took the phone from his sister, wondering why their grandmother would be calling when she had just spoken to him yesterday – and then he remembered the job. More importantly, he remembered what he had done about the job. I suppose I had to hear from her sooner or later, thought Subaru resignedly, a sinking feeling in his stomach as lifted the phone. "Hello?"
"What did you say to the Ministry of Education last night?" demanded Lady Sumeragi.
Subaru told himself to stay calm. "I said that I wasn't able to take the job."
"Why?"
Subaru thought carefully about his next words, vaguely aware of Hokuto watching curiously from the doorway. "I've been working almost every day for the past few weeks, and yesterday when you spoke to me I had only slept for two hours because I got home at ten in the morning. I declined the job because I thought it would be good to take a break for a little while."
"Subaru-san." Lady Sumeragi sounded as if she was this close to losing her temper. "This job was specifically requested of you by the Minister of Education. Any other job, maybe, you could have turned down, but this one? You are the head of the Sumeragi clan; you have to act in a responsible manner! You cannot just decline a ministerial request!"
"Well, I can and I have," replied Subaru, the irritation of last night flickering into life again. All these people who expected him to do as he was told— "In any case, would it be possible for you to discuss things with me next time a job comes up before accepting on my behalf? It would make sure that this kind of embarrassment doesn't happen again."
There was silence from the other end of the phone. Subaru's pulse drummed in his ears – had he really just said that to his grandmother? He almost couldn't believe it himself. At length Lady Sumeragi spoke again. "Could you put Hokuto-san on, please?"
"Okay." The moment Subaru lowered the phone he let out a long breath. "Grandmother wants to speak to you again."
Frowning, Hokuto took the phone back from him. "Yes?" Subaru moved away to the lounge area where he sank heavily into the couch – he had won the argument but still, he couldn't help but question what he had done. "No, Subaru's perfectly fine. No, I didn't know that Subaru'd turned down a job until just then. Investigation request? Well, if it's just an investigation does it have to be an onmyouji? Can't they just get some other – okay, okay, I'll talk to him. I won't promise anything, though, you know what Subaru's like when he sets his mind on something – all right. Okay. Yes, I will. Bye!"
The call ended. Hokuto put the phone back in its cradle, then turned to her brother with eyebrows raised. "Well?" she asked.
"Well what?" asked Subaru nervously.
"What was that about?"
Subaru shrugged as nonchalantly as possible. "Grandmother accepted a job from the Education Minister without telling me about it, and when she did tell me about it I gave it some thought and decided that I want to have some time to myself."
"And that's the only reason why you turned it down? Because you wanted some time off?"
Subaru winced; put like that he sounded like a spoiled brat, and he knew how little his sister thought of spoiled brats. "Um, yes?"
Unexpectedly Hokuto's face broke into a wide smile. "I am so proud of you!"
Subaru blinked in surprise. "Y-you're not mad at me?"
"Why would I be? There's nothing wrong with thinking of yourself once in a while, Subaru, especially for you because you're usually so self-sacrificing. Actually, it's kind of refreshing." Hokuto winked. "Just don't tell Grandmother I said that to you!"
Weakly Subaru smiled – the bumps and falls this morning on the emotional rollercoaster were coming far too quickly, and he was quite ready to get off. "Thank you, Hokuto-chan."
Hokuto pushed some shopping away to make room and slid onto the couch beside him. "So!" she said. "If you're not working today what are you going to do?"
"Um …" A finger poked Subaru teasingly in the ribs, making him jump before laughing aloud. The laugh felt more natural, different than the shy, nervous one that he was accustomed to. "I want to spend time with my sister."
"Is that so? I'll have to check my schedule—" Subaru made a mournful face and Hokuto giggled. "Of course I'll spend time with you, silly! Do you have anything in mind that you want to do?"
"You choose."
"Shopping?"
"Okay." Subaru met his twin's gaze and held it. "As long as we're together."
Hokuto hugged him.
* * *
They returned to Hokuto's apartment late in the evening, juggling several grocery bags and what felt to Subaru like half the clothes in Takashimaya. What the credit card bill at the end of the month was going to be like he didn't even want to contemplate, but that was easily shunted aside when he considered what he had gotten out of it. He and Hokuto had spent the day in Shinjuku, darting in and out of department stores as Hokuto with her boundless energy brought them to all of her favourite shops – or at least Subaru thought they were all her favourite shops. Everything had blurred together in his memory, but he distinctly remembered thinking at one point that he seemed to be spending far more time in dressing rooms than his sister. Tiring as the day was, though, it had all been fun in that for once Subaru forgot about everything troubling in his life and instead simply enjoyed himself. Sure, Hokuto had dressed him up and teased him outrageously whenever he blushed at the attention the two of them got, but that didn't matter. They had eaten lunch at a little café filled with office-workers on break and later stopped at an ice-cream parlour for a snack, arms laden with so much shopping that Hokuto eventually commandeered a trolley to carry it all. Unfortunately the trolley couldn't come with them beyond the doors of the department store, so instead of carrying all their shopping on the subway they had caught a taxi home. The shopping still had to be carried up into Subaru's apartment, though.
"Oof!" Hokuto dumped her armful of bags on the couch, causing her hat to tumble off her head. "Is that everything?"
Subaru carefully set his own load of shopping bags down on the floor, trying not to trip over anything. "I think so. I lost track of that beige bag, but – did you get it out of the taxi?"
"You mean the D&G one? Right here." Hokuto lifted the bag in question as proof, then, taking off her coat, started sorting out the rest. "Okay, D&G is mine, the Vivienne Westwood is mine, Banana Republic is yours, Yohji is yours, yours, mine, that's yours …"
"Um, Hokuto-chan?" Subaru watched the pile of 'his' bags increase with some alarm. "Just how much did you end up getting for me?"
"We end up getting, you mean. Yours, ooh, Burberry, another one of mine! Yours, yours, mine, yours – done!" Hokuto stood and skipped over to the pile of bags Subaru had brought in where she sat down to continue the exercise. "Yours, yours, mine, yours …"
Subaru left her to it, going to the kitchen where he began to put away the groceries. He felt content, as if the confrontations of the morning had caused something within him to spill out leaving him drained and clear. More telling, he felt no guilt over his day of self-indulgence, and glancing back he couldn't help but smile at the image of his sister, dressed in a sun-yellow dress with high socks and long gloves, happily surrounded by shopping bags without a care in the world. This is what life should be like, he thought wistfully as he went to place the juice in the fridge. No worries, having fun, shopping, spending time with loved ones …
"—and finished! We really did get a lot for you!" Hokuto stood and joined him in the kitchen. "Leave the sauces, onions and beef mince out; I'm going to make pasta."
"Okay. Do you want me to help?"
"Sure! Go fill the pot with water first and set it to boil, then get a bowl and mix the beef stock and sauce."
Subaru did as he was told. The water was easy, as was starting up the gas-stove, and the beef stock was simply a matter of cutting a corner off the carton and pouring the liquid out. Getting the sauce, though, was a different matter. His silken gloves made it well-nigh impossible to open the jar.
"Subaru," sighed Hokuto, watching him struggle. Subaru looked embarrassed, and finally Hokuto peeled her own gloves off, putting them aside before taking the jar from him. With a bit of effort she twisted the lid off then handed the jar back to Subaru to empty into the bowl. "Seriously, when are you going to take those gloves off?"
"You know what Grandmother says," replied Subaru absently as he fetched a spoon. There was still a lot of sauce at the bottom of the jar and he needed to scrape it out.
"Given what you did this morning on the phone, I'm surprised that's still your response." Hokuto began chopping the onions. "Put the tomato paste in as well – I mean, is there any reason you have to wear gloves twenty-four/seven other than because Grandmother tells you to?"
"I—" Subaru broke off uncomfortably, the question stinging him like an angry wasp – and just like that, his contented mood was no more. Automatically his thoughts catapulted to the memory of that first meeting with the Sakurazukamori, and from there continued on to the Sakura, the Bet, Seishirou – "It's a form of magical protection that Grandmother put on me," he said shortly, doing as he had been instructed. Not that it works.
"Oh. Well, in that case, fine. But still, don't they get irritating?"
"Sometimes." Subaru put the containers and spoon in the sink, his movements restless and distracted. On the wall the clock showed that it was past eight o'clock. "How much food are we making?"
"Mm, I bought quite a bit." Hokuto went to add some herbs to the sauce mix. "Why?"
"Could we …" Subaru sensed his face faintly heating. "Could we invite Seishirou-san?"
Hokuto paused in her food preparation and looked up at him. Her expression was startled, but only for a moment as she broke into a wide grin that did nothing to help Subaru's anxiety. "Well, this is a development! Subaru is actively inviting his sweetheart over for dinner! Of course you can invite Sei-chan – quick, go give him a call!"
Subaru wasn't smiling as he hurried to the phone. For the whole day he had managed to avoid thinking much about the coming future or even Seishirou, but now … he glanced at the fridge and the calendar there, the cosy atmosphere of the room now small and fragile in his eyes, like the light of a tiny lamp in an abandoned room. He wasn't exactly beginning to regret spending the whole day with Hokuto, but retrospectively in the interests of the Bet maybe he should have included Seishirou, or at the very least extended to Seishirou the invitation of joining them. And he had been having such a wonderful day … apprehensively Subaru dialled the number of Seishirou's apartment and listened to the phone ring.
"Is he picking up?" asked Hokuto. She had heated another pot into which she was tipping the beef mince and onions.
"Not yet." Subaru frowned, pressing the phone closer to his ear as the sound of meat being cooked sizzled through the air, harsh and rough. Still the ringing continued. "I don't – wait." He held his breath as the ringing stopped, nervously wondering what he was going to say, only to halt as an answering machine began to play. Deflated, he briefly listened to Seishirou's cheerful voice before hanging up – no point leaving a dinner invitation when that dinner was already almost cooked. "He's not in," said Subaru as if he couldn't quite believe it.
"Oh." There was an audible frown in Hokuto's voice as she poured the sauce mixture over the beef and onions, reducing the frying to a sullen hiss. "That's weird; he's usually at home at this time of night. I wonder where he went."
Subaru didn't reply, instead going to the lounge window where he stared out at the city lights. A strange restlessness had come over him, as if he were suspended in the calm preceding a change in weather. He had wholeheartedly expected that Seishirou would be there when he called – this was the Bet, after all, and as per its rules Seishirou was supposed to be there for him. To have discovered otherwise was more than disappointing, and Subaru wondered at the implications – was Seishirou out to kill someone tonight, or had he simply gone somewhere for dinner? Was he attending to an emergency call or a social call? True, the Sakurazukamori probably didn't have friends, but what about the veterinarian? Was that persona so complete as to have a circle of friends, adult friends, who would have nothing to do with a sixteen-year-old boy? The thought was hurtful to say the least, and Subaru felt a surprising and uncharacteristic stab of anger – he was the Sakurazukamori's prey in this Bet; he should be having his hunter's full attention, not some animal or socialite or victim—
"Subaru? What's wrong?"
He drew in a shaky breath. "I'm fine."
"No, you're not." Footsteps behind him, and a hand on his shoulder. "Are you upset that Sei-chan wasn't home?"
"A little." Tiredly Subaru turned to face his sister, leaning back against the glass. "A lot. I guess … I just expected him to pick up the phone."
"But it's more than that." Reaching out Hokuto placed a hand against his cheek, eyes dark and serious. "If any other person happened to be out when you called them, you'd simply dismiss it. You wouldn't react like this." Subaru didn't respond, and Hokuto bit her lip. "It's because it's Sei-chan, isn't it. Do you know why?"
It was a stupid question to ask, and yet completely serious. Of course Subaru knew why he reacted strongly to Seishirou, he had known about his feelings for years now – or weeks, depending on how he looked at the time. The knowledge that he loved Seishirou was etched into his heart and he had never questioned it at all, only tried to deny it while knowing in the depths of his soul that it was a fundamental truth of his existence. But certain as he was about it, he had never said anything to Hokuto about his feelings for the man, or to Seishirou himself—
Subaru froze as if his blood had turned to ice.
He had never told Seishirou that he loved him. At all. As a child of sixteen Subaru hadn't understood what he felt until it was too late, then when Hokuto had been murdered he had attempted to suffocate his love beneath the reality of who Seishirou was and what he had done. Somehow, but, it had endured to be carried like some terrible, precious burden he could only bury away so that it was out of sight but never out of mind. So deep had Subaru buried his love that even at the end, on the Final Day with death before him and Seishirou both, he had been unable to speak of it aloud …
"Hokuto-chan," asked Subaru slowly. "What do you think about Seishirou-san and I? Really think, I mean."
If Hokuto was surprised at his question she didn't show it. "I think that he's the best thing that's happened to you. He's kind, supportive, he understands you in ways even I don't—"
"But is that it?" interrupted Subaru. "I mean, things can't be that perfect – don't you have any reservations?"
Hokuto grew quiet, studying his face. "You really have grown up, haven't you," she said at last, a note of wonder in her voice. Briefly she hesitated. "Okay. I'll be honest with you, brother-mine – Sei-chan makes me uneasy. He's always smiling, but whether he's still smiling when you're not looking at him … I don't know. I don't want to say 'dangerous' and yet I can't think of any other word to use. He has the potential to make you happy, but as a flip-side to that he also has the power to hurt you." Subaru didn't reply to this and Hokuto quickly continued. "Then again, isn't that how a relationship works? Look at us; we had a huge fight yesterday and made each other feel absolutely horrible, but we still love each other and when we're together we're happy. That's what a relationship is about. If you're willing to take those risks with Sei-chan … I think you could have something very special."
Special … "But what if he hurts me so badly that whatever we have isn't worth anything?" Subaru whispered.
Hokuto smiled – why did her eyes look so bright? – and reached to cup his face in her hands. "Then you have to find out whether you're strong enough to put things in the past and keep building a future together, and if you're strong enough to forgive. It won't be easy, but if you did your relationship would be all the richer for it." Subaru didn't answer, eyes downcast – it was all very well for Hokuto to say that but how would she react if she knew exactly what cruelty Seishirou was capable of, that Seishirou had killed her, and could do it again? Could she still tell him to forgive Seishirou?
"Do you love him?" asked Hokuto suddenly.
Subaru glanced up with wide eyes, shocked not so much at what his twin sister had said, but rather that she had said it. His reaction made Hokuto smile, softly and ever so slightly sad, like a solitary flower facing the first falls of snow. "So. How long have you known?"
"I …" Unable to deny it Subaru shyly turned away. "A long time."
"And have you told him?"
Subaru shook his head. "You're the only one who knows anything."
"Well, I'm glad to know I'm the first," said Hokuto lightly. Then her gaze became intent. "So when are you going to tell him?"
Subaru fidgeted uncomfortably. "I … I don't know. I know I should, but … I'm frightened, Hokuto-chan. That if I say anything, he might hurt me."
"That's the risk you have to take." Gently Hokuto brushed the hair out of his eyes, still smiling that happy, strangely sad smile. "But Subaru, you have no idea how glad this makes me. I've always wanted you to find someone, someone you could become truly attached to because … oh Subaru, only saints and angels can love the world. You're neither. You're human, and it's only human to need someone. Even though he worries me, even though he may hurt you, I really believe that Sakurazuka Seishirou can make you happy. If you ran away from him … I think you would regret it for the rest of your life."
Silence followed Hokuto's speech. Subaru stared at her, standing very still, hardly even breathing. He had always known that Hokuto supported his relationship with Seishirou, but to know that she still supported and encouraged it even when her intuition told her that Seishirou was not all he seemed … the fear within him was beginning to loosen its grip somewhat, not so much that it released him, but enough to no longer be stifling. Subaru let out a long breath.
"Thank you, Nee-chan."
Hokuto smiled, and, leaning forward, stood on tip-toe to kiss his forehead. Subaru closed his eyes, suddenly tired – it had been a very long day – and strangely enough, relieved, as if something within him had fallen into place at last. By admitting the truth of his heart to his twin, and knowing that she knew, it was as if he had somehow made his love for Seishirou more real. Certainly it gave him more courage, because now that Hokuto knew it was only a matter of time before Seishirou himself would have to know, a thought which filled him with deep trepidation …
"Come on." Taking his hand Hokuto gently pulled him back to the kitchen, and Subaru silently thanked her for her tact. "The sauce has been simmering long enough and you can deal with this later. Let's go eat."
* * *
Subaru stayed at Hokuto's apartment that night, the two of them curled in her bed where they whispered about little things from their childhood until they fell asleep. It had been a long time since the twins had stayed together, and Subaru hadn't realised how much he had missed it until then. He woke the next morning refreshed and restless, something which Hokuto picked up on immediately, but given that it was a school day she had little time to talk. Subaru had made them both breakfast as she rushed around getting herself ready and picking out his clothes, pausing only to eat breakfast standing up before dashing for her shoes. Only in the brief moment between opening the door and stepping outside did she manage to say anything relating to the previous night, and even then it was kept short.
"Go see Sei-chan, okay?"
Short, simple, and straight to the point. Subaru had blushed a little but otherwise kept enough composure to give his sister a smile before kissing her goodbye. The apartment felt very empty once she was gone. Subaru finished his breakfast in silence then busied himself with cleaning the dishes. Somehow cleaning the dishes turned into cleaning the kitchen, and cleaning the kitchen to cleaning the whole apartment taking care of all the chores that needed to be done in a sudden drive of restless productivity. It felt decidedly weird to have a whole day without any commitments. Hokuto had asked if he was considering going back to school, but on that subject at least Subaru was firm: after all this time there was no point and besides, he already had a job. Part of him was worried about what his grandmother was going to say next time they spoke, but given that he was the clan Head he was fairly confident the fuss about the declined commission would blow over eventually. Until then his time was his own. He finished cleaning Hokuto's apartment to his satisfaction a little past noon, by which time he was ravenous. Rather than making something to eat and spoiling the newly cleaned kitchen, though, Subaru decided to go out to a small teahouse he and Hokuto often frequented a few blocks away. At this hour of the day it was busy with workers on lunch-break and students just let out of their half-day of classes; Subaru had to wait in line at least ten minutes before being served. Once he had his food, the press of people and fine weather convinced him to take his lunch to Toyama Park where he could watch clouds glide above the high-rises. It was only when he was giving the remainder of his rice to the birds that he finally admitted to himself that he was procrastinating.
I suppose I should go and see Seishirou-san, thought Subaru uneasily, staring at the birds pecking happily about his feet. A glance at his watch showed that it was almost one thirty, meaning that Seishirou would probably be on his lunch-break. If Subaru walked fast enough back to Kabuki-cho he could get to the clinic just before two, which would give Subaru only a few minutes to talk to Seishirou. Somehow during that time Subaru would have to tell the Sakurazukamori … what he had admitted to Hokuto last night. To say that Subaru was apprehensive was more than a severe understatement; as a descriptive it didn't even come close.
Subaru hunched over himself, wrapping his arms around his gut as if to physically hold back the butterflies in his stomach. Admitting his feelings to Hokuto was one thing, to actually confess them to the person for whom he felt those feelings … that was frightening. At the very least Subaru would be embarrassed half to death; at the worst Seishirou would probably reject him, and this wasn't even considering the danger of giving the Sakurazukamori another weapon to use against him. Though then again, perhaps Subaru didn't have to worry about that last so much – they were still living under the terms of the Bet after all, so the Sakurazukamori was bound by word not to harm Subaru. But what did that mean? That if Subaru confessed Seishirou wouldn't turn him down? That Seishirou might profess to love Subaru as well? He had already done so on several occasions, all of which Subaru had bitterly dismissed as lies—
There lay the paradox. If Seishirou claimed to return Subaru's feelings, he would be lying. If Seishirou said that he did not, it would devastate Subaru but be the truth. Either way Seishirou could not give any answer that would make him happy, so why should Subaru even bother telling Seishirou what he felt? Perhaps he should just say nothing … Subaru's gloved fingers tightened. No, he couldn't stay silent. Hokuto already knew, and Subaru wouldn't put it past his sister to march him to Seishirou's apartment in the middle of the night if she thought he was avoiding the issue. But more important than was the guilt that last time, on the Final Day, Seishirou had died without ever knowing what Subaru felt for him.
Subaru didn't want things to end like that again.
Taking a deep breath, Subaru stood up. Immediately the birds around his feet scattered, either to nearby trees or a few feet away on the ground. Subaru resisted an impulse to apologise to them as threw the empty plastic box in a nearby bin and started walking. His pulse was already racing, he realised with some dismay; if simply making the decision to tell Seishirou could make him nervous, what state would he be in when he was actually facing the man?
Best not to think about it, he told himself. Just focus on getting there first before you lose your nerve entirely.
It was a cold day, and bright. Subaru lifted his gloved hands to shield his eyes from the sun's glare before his path took him through a more shaded route walled on each side by hedges. It was not a shortcut he used often, but if he remembered correctly it should bring him out near a bus stop. From the bus stop it was a short ride or a longer walk to Seishirou's veterinary clinic … Subaru took a deep breath in a futile attempt to calm himself, hoping he could get there before the end of lunch break as he almost forced himself to walk in that direction. So focused on his journey was he that Subaru didn't notice the girl shoving her way through the hedge until he had walked into her, sending the girl flying.
"Oh – I'm so sorry!" Mortified, Subaru knelt down to help the girl up – a student, by the looks of the uniform. Two heavy braids framed a sullen face, a face that was bruised and bloodied in a way that was too serious to have been inflicted by a mere fall, and Subaru's eyes widened. "Are you all right?"
The girl recoiled from him like a terrified animal. "Leave me alone!"
"But you're bleeding!" Subaru reached out to her. "Are you—"
"I said leave me alone!"
The girl lashed out wildly. Without thinking Subaru blocked the blow and grabbed her wrist. The sudden restraint seemed to frighten the girl more and she struggled against him with violent sobs. Realising his mistake, Subaru let her go and she fell down again, covering her head with her arms as if she expected to be hit. Subaru bit his lip.
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you." Moving slowly, he knelt down beside her and pulled his handkerchief out from his coat pocket. "I'm not going to hurt you; I'm a friend. Here."
He offered her the handkerchief. The girl blinked at it with a mixture of suspicion and disbelief. Subaru smiled. "Don't worry, it's clean." The girl stared at him, but didn't move and Subaru tried again. "I haven't used it – I mean, my sister only bought it yesterday, so it's brand new …" He trailed off as the girl's lower lip began to tremble. "Um, did I say something wrong?"
The girl shook her head, fat tears rolling down her cheeks. "N-no," she mumbled. "It's just … I haven't heard nice things for a while."
The pain behind the words was obvious and impossible for Subaru to ignore. Forgetting about his own affairs for a moment, he fetched her school bag then carefully put an arm around her shoulders, comforting and supportive. The girl flinched at the initial contact but otherwise let Subaru ease her to her feet. Putting the handkerchief in her hand, Subaru helped her off the path, looking for somewhere to sit; seeing a set of swings close by he guided her there. She sat down heavily, wobbling a bit in the swing's seat before steadying herself and dragging the handkerchief over her face. Subaru put her schoolbag beside her and took the other swing, waiting until she had mostly calmed down before hesitantly speaking. "Would you like to talk about it?"
The girl sniffled. "Why do you want to know? It's none of your business."
Subaru studied her. She was young, probably in high school, which, judging by her blazer looked to be a private institution in a nearby district. The way she hunched over and her automatic suspicion of everything reminded Subaru of a dog he had seen once at Seishirou's clinic that had been abused by its owner and couldn't understand kindness. She also looked somewhat familiar. "You look like you need a friend," he said softly. Have I met her before?
The girl glanced up at him, shock obvious on her bruised face. Subaru gave her a smile. "My name is Sumeragi Subaru. What's yours?"
"… Hashimoto Kuniko."
That definitely sounded familiar. Unfortunately for Subaru the context wasn't coming to him. "Are you in high school, Hashimoto-san?"
"Second year." She nervously twisted the handkerchief between her fingers. "It's a private girls' school a little way from here. It's … not a nice place."
The implication was obvious. "People bully you?"
"'Bully' is a nice word for what gets done to me." Hashimoto's voice trembled. "It's pure torture. I get kicked and punched and beaten up by this group of girls from class who do it simply because it's fun. Adults think it's just a bunch of kids fighting, but it's not, it's gang violence and it's happening to me every day! I've tried telling the teachers, but they all tell me the same thing – either I'm not outgoing enough, or I'm somehow responsible for it. But even if I'm not outgoing, why should I suffer for it? How is it my fault that I get beaten up by my own classmates?"
Pain, frustration, anger – all of it and more spilled out with Hashimoto's words, the sheer weight of the onslaught giving Subaru just some idea of how long she had endured in silence. He felt a wave of sympathy for her, but as well as that was the eerie sense of déjà vu that he had something to do with this girl … the memory of a hospital corridor struck him then, but the details skittered away like windblown leaves. It frustrated Subaru immensely. Beside him Hashimoto roughly wiped her eyes. "I joined this group recently. The lady who's in charge said they could save me from my problems. She said that the reason I was being bullied was because I didn't understand myself. That all I needed to do was love and believe in myself, because if I didn't there was no way that I could ever understand other people. She said that I should bear the pain and pray with all my heart for salvation, so I did. I even went to the MS Institute to study—"
"MS Institute?" Subaru stared at her, a chill spider-walking down his back. That's the name of the case I turned down – oh no.
Hashimoto frowned at him. "You know it?"
"Um," Subaru floundered for an excuse. "I read about it somewhere."
"Oh. Well, I don't know what to think of it yet." Wearily, Hashimoto hung her head, swaying a little in the swing. "I pray every day, I go to the Institute, but nothing's changed. I still get teased at school; I still get beaten up. Just then the girls were kicking me behind the bushes, saying that school's no fun now that I skip class to hide at the Institute."
The problem with the religious group in question here is that it is comprised almost entirely of junior and high school students. This case is a personal request from the Minister of Education. The words of his grandmother and the aide echoed in Subaru's head as fact mixed with hazy memory in a growing sense of dread. The government obviously thought the MS Institute suspicious enough to request Subaru to investigate, but more than that, Subaru was certain that the first time he had lived this life the MS Institute had been shut down. Unfortunately his memory was scarce on the specifics, but if last time the Institute had been shut down after his investigation, then logically he must have found something serious enough to justify its forced closure. Something serious that Hashimoto was now, in this second time, caught up in again.
"I'm not sure if what Kumiko-sensei tells me is going to work, but I don't know what else to do, and she's so nice and helpful …"
Subaru stifled an internal moan; already he could see where his thoughts were tending, however, part of him tried to resist. The end of the Bet is approaching and I need to prepare for that. I turned down the case to change what happened during the Bet last time. I've made my decision and I will hold to it …
"You are the head of the Sumeragi clan; you have to act in a responsible manner!"
It had been so easy to say no when the case had just been words on a page instead of people's lives.
Hashimoto stopped talking, whether running out of words or energy it was hard to say. Subaru watched her for a moment, wanting to help but still hoping for a way not to get involved. "When did you join the MS Institute?" he asked. I'll just see what the situation is, he told himself. If it's something minor then I can leave it alone.
"Just a few days ago."
"Do you know how many people it has?"
"Not sure. The meetings I went to had probably over fifty people, but I remember someone telling me that there were ten thousand members around the country."
"Ten thousand?" Subaru felt his heart sinking – so much for his hope that the MS Institute was something small. Ten thousand people, most of them school students, and if Hashimoto was any example, they were likely to be vulnerable and desperate for whatever support the MS Institute was offering. "When did the MS Institute start operating?"
Hashimoto looked at him, eyes suddenly suspicious. "I dunno."
"Do you have to pay or give them anything?"
"I don't – why are you asking me all these questions?"
"I—" Subaru faltered. "I'm just interested."
"Well, go join up yourself if you're so interested instead of interrogating me." Abruptly Hashimoto stood up, the swing's chains clanking together like dull bells. "I have to go. Thanks for your help." Quickly she grabbed her bag and began to hurry away. Subaru followed, not before kicking himself for pushing too hard.
"Wait – Hashimoto-san, I didn't mean – wait!" He managed to get in front of her, making her stop. Fear was evident on her face as she attempted to glare at him – did she expect to be hit? Just how long had this girl been abused to have such a deep mistrust of the world? "I'm sorry, Hashimoto-san. I shouldn't have acted so insensitively, and if I have hurt or insulted you, I ask for your forgiveness. It's just that—" Subaru caught himself.
Hashimoto's eyes narrowed. "Just what?"
She was so young, so desperate for someone to turn to, and given that she seemed to have found that someone in the form of the MS Institute, Subaru didn't know if he dared question what she faith she had invested in them yet, especially when he didn't have any proof to support his misgivings. On the other hand, although she was badly damaged she was not completely broken, so maybe, just maybe there was a chance … "It's just that I think you're not giving yourself enough credit," he said carefully. "This MS Institute, it might not be everything you hope it is. You might not need it because to survive as long as you have … I think you're stronger than you think."
The effect was immediate. Hashimoto gawked at him, brown eyes widening at what was probably the first compliment she had heard in heavens knew how long, as if she didn't know what to do with it. Almost hesitantly, she smiled.
"Th-thank you."
Subaru wished he could smile in return. Gratifying as it was to see a happier expression instead of sullen fear on Hashimoto's face, Subaru knew that it was now impossible for him to walk away from her. Still, he couldn't help but wonder if he had given into Hashimoto's plight a little too easily.
Hashimoto glanced at her watch. "Ah! It's quarter past two – I'm late for cram class!" Quickly she hefted her bag and gave Subaru a little bow. "Thank you so much for your kindness. Um, do you come to this park often?"
"Not really – I was just passing through."
"Oh." Hashimoto looked disappointed. "Well, uh, I hope you come back, because it'll be nice to see you again." She ducked her head, a faint blush on her bruised cheeks. "I … I should be going. Bye."
Subaru watched her leave, watched how with every step away from him her shoulders unconsciously hunched lower as if she was being laden with bags of sand. On impulse he called out to her.
"I wish you well!"
Hashimoto stopped and turned slightly to look at him. At this distance Subaru couldn't really see the bruises on her face, giving Hashimoto the illusion of being like any other schoolgirl on her way to class. Unexpectedly she waved at him, then, before Subaru could respond, began to run. Soon she had turned a corner and disappeared.
Subaru stared after her. Quarter past two. Lunch break was already over, meaning that Seishirou would be back at work by the time Subaru got to the clinic. Too late in the day, Subaru told himself; it wasn't polite to disturb people when they were busy, and besides, Subaru now had his own work to take care of … his fingers tightened. Once again Subaru was being wrenched back onto the same track as the last time this life had been lived, but strangely instead of frustration all he felt was resignation. After seeing the situation first-hand how could he have decided otherwise? Besides, at least investigating a suspicious religious group was easier than seeing Seishirou right now …
The wind was cold. Slowly, Subaru began to walk in the direction of home, trying to tell himself that he wasn't running away.
It didn't work.
* * *
"Welcome back!" Hokuto greeted Subaru as he closed the door behind him. She was wearing a frilly apron over an outfit that Subaru vaguely remembered as something they had bought yesterday, and Subaru could hear the stove fan whirring – obviously his sister was cooking. As Subaru headed for a kitchen stool Hokuto gave him a Look. "Well?" she demanded. "Did you see him?"
The expectant smile Hokuto was wearing did nothing to make Subaru feel better. "Um …"
"You didn't?" Putting down the ladle she was holding, Hokuto came around the kitchen bench to face her brother more directly. "Why not?"
"Something happened when I was on my way to the clinic." Quickly Subaru outlined his meeting with Hashimoto and his fears about the MS Institute in what he hoped was brief a manner as possible. He had had ample time on his walk back home to berate himself – part of him was angry, angry at Hashimoto for successfully diverting him from his own goal but more so at himself for giving in so easily. Why couldn't he be more like Seishirou who, when he had decided on doing something, simply did it without being led off on tangents? "I know I already told Grandmother and the client I wouldn't take the job, but that's fine, I can call and tell them otherwise. And I know I said I wanted a break, but this girl – Hokuto-chan, she's so vulnerable, and if the MS Institute is what I think it is she's going to get into serious trouble—"
"Subaru." Hokuto took his face in her hands and made him look at her. "You don't need to explain or apologise for anything to me. It's you, and I wouldn't expect you to act any other way. If you didn't feel a need to help people, you wouldn't be my brother. So you're going to take up the job after all, okay. But how come you didn't go see Sei-chan afterwards?"
"Ah …" Subaru winced. "I lost my nerve."
"You what – no, don't explain, I understand." Hokuto sighed, then gave him a wry, knowing smile. "Confessing to Sei-chan is more terrifying than bad spirits or dodgy cults, huh? All right; I'll let you off this once. But you had better do something about Sei-chan soon, at the latest after this case is finished, because if you don't—"
"You'll be forced to take action?"
"Exactly!" Hokuto beamed then headed back to the kitchen. "I'm making jelly-cups; you can have one in a couple of hours after they set. About that case – are you going call Grandmother or shall I?"
"I'll do it." Taking a deep breath Subaru went to pick up the cordless. "At least she can't glare at me over the phone."
Chapter Nine Annex III | Chapter Eleven
NOTES:
- Takashimaya is one of the largest department stores in Shinjuku. It also has gorgeous light sculptures on the walkway between it and the train-lines that look absolutely fantastic at night.
- Toyama Park is a park behind Kabuki-cho.
- Seishirou wiped Subaru's memory at the end of the MS Institute case, hence the reason for Subaru's somewhat hazy remembrance of this episode.