Nukume Dori
by Leareth
Chapter Nine
"You should be sleeping."
Subaru looked up with bleary eyes. He was sitting on one of the stools at the kitchenette counter and the light being reflected off the polished surface in front of him was a little blinding. "It's past noon, Nee-san."
At the far side of the kitchenette Hokuto was making tea to go with the sandwiches that were prepared for lunch. Her back was towards him; Subaru watched the tail ends of the large bow around her waist sway as she moved. "It's not a crime to sleep in, Subaru, you should try it once in a while," she said without turning around. The deliberate casualness of her voice put Subaru on guard. "I know you were working late last night. What time did you get to bed?"
"Ah, around ten?"
There was a clatter of porcelain as Hokuto spun to stare at him. "Ten in the morning?"
"It's not that bad," said Subaru defensively.
"Not that bad? You work the whole day yesterday and the whole of last night only getting home to sleep at ten a.m. and you say it's not that bad?"
"I can't sleep late, Hokuto-chan. There's too much for me to do."
"And just how well do you think you'll get things done if you're running on two hours rest?" demanded Hokuto, coming over with the tray.
"Two hours and twenty minutes," corrected Subaru.
"Don't play smart!" Subaru jumped as Hokuto banged the tray onto the counter in front of him. He glanced up, startled, only to be taken aback at the glare that met his gaze. It was the first time he had seen his sister so angry with him. Involuntarily, he flinched.
Hokuto saw his reaction. Perhaps surprised by her own vehemence she took a deep breath and turned away again. "There was a phone call for you," she said in a calmer voice, going to get a cloth. "You're expected to call back."
Subaru picked up the tea and refrained from asking why she didn't wake him. "Who was it?"
"Your school teacher. He wants to know why you haven't shown your face in class for the past several weeks." Hokuto began wiping the dishes in the drying rack. "He said that if you've dropped out of school he understands, but it would be nice if you could inform him so he knows what is going on."
It took a moment for Subaru to process that. "School teacher?"
"Yes, Nakayama-sensei. Or have you forgotten who he is."
Subaru's mind raced. With his work and everything else that had been happening it had been easy to put thoughts of school aside and eventually, out of his mind entirely. Now with Hokuto's reminder he tried to think back, to remember his school, his classmates, his teacher … he couldn't. It wasn't like he had spent much time at school in the first place, and now with nine years between him and his last actual class what small connection he had was too long gone to be even missed. In any case, he had more important things than homework to worry about now, not that he could tell Hokuto that. "Actually, I'm not going to school anymore," he said.
He heard a chink as if something metal had struck the bench. "What?"
Subaru shrugged and sipped the tea, trying to ignore the stare he could feel like a blast of air on his skin. "School is only compulsory up to junior high, right? I've passed that level, so stopping school shouldn't be a problem."
"Yes, but still, quitting?" Dishes forgotten, Hokuto walked around the counter to Subaru's side to look at him in disbelief. "I thought you wanted to do veterinary science at university and become a zoo-keeper."
"I've given up on that."
A shocked silence followed this statement. "Given up?" repeated Hokuto, very slowly. "Given up? But, but that was your dream! Why have you given up?"
"It's unrealistic, Hokuto-chan. With my work it will be impossible to do the studies to graduate from high school, let alone university. And it's not as if there aren't enough zoo-keepers out there in the world already – how many onmyouji are there in comparison, let alone onmyouji close to my level? There's no way I'd be able to step aside and let someone else take over the job." Subaru glanced at his sister who was still staring at him in absolute disbelief. "Really, Hokuto-chan, it's all right, I know what I'm doing."
Hokuto's eyes narrowed. "What aren't you telling me?"
For once Subaru wished that his sister wasn't so perceptive. "I told you everything."
"No, you haven't. All our lives you've said that 'no matter what, no matter how many years it takes, I will achieve my dreams', so don't say that the reason you've given up is because you've suddenly realised how difficult it's going to be. What are you hiding?"
"Nothing."
The moment the word left his mouth, he knew it shouldn't have. Hokuto seemed to freeze, the muscles of her neck tightening to the point that she was almost trembling with the effort of holding herself in check. "I don't believe you," she said flatly.
"Hokuto-chan—"
"I don't believe you!" Hokuto shouted, her voice penetrating the air like a lash. "You're hiding something, there's something you're not telling me, I know it! I've known it for weeks, but I kept quiet because I trusted that eventually my twin brother would come and tell me what's wrong, but what are you doing? Skipping class and dropping out of school?"
In vain Subaru tried to placate his sister. "Hokuto-chan, please! I know what I'm doing, I've thought it through and I think it's for the best. Besides," he added a little defensively, "aren't you the one always telling me that I can't do school and work at the same time?"
"This isn't about school! It's about you, you giving up something you always wanted and hiding things from me! I'm not against your decision, but I never expected you to choose it, let alone be so offhand about it, and I never, ever expected you to tell me that there's nothing that I should know!"
"You can't expect me to tell you everything," Subaru retorted, angered by his sister's tirade.
"But at least you can tell me something so that I don't have to worry all the time! We never used to shut each other out; any trouble one of us got into we faced it together. Somehow that's changed – of all people's hearts I know yours the best, but now I can't understand it! It's still Subaru, and yet sometimes I think it's not – I can't recognize my twin brother anymore!"
"Maybe I've grown up," Subaru mumbled.
Hokuto came forward to take his hand. Her voice took on a pleading note. "Subaru. Is there something on your mind, something that's worrying or scaring you? That night you stayed over at Sei-chan's place, did he do anything to you?"
"No!" Subaru reddened, jerking his hand back. "What in the world gave you that idea?"
Hokuto's eyes flashed. "Because you're not telling me anything! If you don't tell me anything then I'm going to assume something bad has happened and you don't want me to know about it!"
"If I don't want you to know about it, then there's probably a very good reason why!" snapped Subaru. "Have you ever thought about that? Or are you just frustrated that there's something you don't know and can't work out? Just because you're my sister doesn't mean you can know everything about me!"
"It's because I'm your sister that I should know! You're too easily hurt and therefore you need me to take care of you!"
"Need you to take care of me? You assumed that just like you assumed that I would want to go to dinner with Seishirou-san because really, I never asked you to take care of me in the first place!"
Hokuto's face turned white. "So what is this?" she bit out. "My little brother doesn't need me any more, is that what he's saying?"
"What I'm saying is that you always do things for me that I might not want or need you to do and maybe I want you to stop!" Subaru shouted.
"Don't yell at me to stop!" Hokuto shouted back.
"I'm yelling? You're the one who started yelling first!"
"If my brother wasn't acting like a moody jerk I wouldn't have to yell!"
"Well if my sister wasn't such a nosy busy-body I wouldn't—"
A shrill ringing penetrated the shouting. Subaru broke off, both him and Hokuto instinctively looking towards the source of the noise. At the far end of the kitchen bench the phone demanded attention with loud impatience. Hokuto folded her arms, glowering and refusing to move. Subaru sent her a glare as he got up to answer it. The ringing abruptly stopped as he lifted the receiver. "Hello?"
The caller was male and unfamiliar. What was not unfamiliar was the reason for calling; Subaru detachedly listened to him explain the situation with most of his mind still caught up with the argument and his sister. As he cradled the phone against his ear, occasionally making some noise of response, he watched as Hokuto flounced into the stool he had vacated, sitting stiffly with arms folded and back towards him. Oblivious to the tension he had interrupted, the caller continued talking. Subaru made no attempt to encourage him.
Eventually the caller finished. Subaru thanked him and put the phone down. He did not look up. "I have a job," he said shortly.
Hokuto didn't reply. Her simmering anger made the air feel thick and heavy. Subaru avoided her eyes as he fetched his coat and bag. "I might be late, so don't cook dinner for me."
Still no reply. As he exited the room, Subaru risked a glance over his shoulder. Hokuto was looking pointedly at the wall away from him.
Subaru bit his lip. Then he bowed his head and quickly left.
* * *
The shrine where Subaru was supposed to meet his appointment wasn't one he was familiar with, so he had to look it up in a street directory loaned from a local shop-keeper. As it turned out it was outside Shinjuku-ku so he called a taxi, which, due to traffic congestion, dropped him off a few streets away. Subaru walked the rest of the distance at a fast pace, weaving through the after-lunch crowds. His pace was quick; gloved hands in pockets, head bowed, legs striding in an attempt to release the tension within. Some passer-bys cast him curious stares as they politely got out of his way. Subaru barely noticed them; his attention was directed inwards.
He had fought with Hokuto. Not just fought, he had actually shouted at her saying things that he shouldn't have. Part of Subaru still felt angry with his sister – she had been shouting at him, after all, demanding him to tell her things that he couldn't, so of course he had shouted back! And then making all those assumptions, deciding unilaterally what was good for him as if he were a child, didn't he have a right to feel angry?
Even as those thoughts flickered through his head, Subaru's anger was already cooling into something he was more accustomed to, namely, guilt. Deep down – not even deep down – he could see why Hokuto was so angry with him, he himself would feel the same if their positions were reversed. Not that understanding her side of the matter made him feel any better, in fact it made Subaru feel worse, because he knew that really Hokuto didn't deserve any blame at all. He wished he could tell her what was going on, he really wished he could. Unfortunately, telling Hokuto was out of the question. Not if he wanted to keep her safe.
Subaru hunched over a little more. Best intentions aside, it didn't change the fact that had been horrid to yell at his sister like that. It was even worse having to conceal things from her.
No, not conceal. Subaru had virtually lied to her face.
"I don't believe you!"
Subaru's fingers knotted in their gloves; if he had been guilty earlier on, it was nothing compared to this. Yes, for all intents and purposes, he had lied to Hokuto. It had been blatantly obvious that he was hiding something, and he had told her there was nothing more to be said. To say that he was feeling awful didn't even begin to encompass the whole of it – this was even worse than having to lie to Mai's mother. This time, he had lied to his own sister. Worse still, he hadn't even hesitated in doing so.
Just what kind of person was Subaru becoming?
Someone bumped into him with a tinkle of bells. It shook Subaru out of his thoughts; chagrined, he immediately bowed in apology. "Sorry! I didn't see you there!" he said hurriedly before making as if to push past and continue—
"Still so clumsy, Subaru-san? I thought you would have outgrown this by now."
The familiar voice brought Subaru to an abrupt halt – he was a little surprised to find himself beneath the torii of the shrine he had been aiming for. Straightening, Subaru took a proper look at who it was he had run into. The subsequent visual confirmation did nothing to lessen his complete astonishment. "Obaa-chan?"
Lady Sumeragi inclined her head a minute degree in greeting. She was dressed in a winter kimono as white as her hair with an obi of pale grey, over which she wore a coat with a wide patterned collar. The clothes seemed somewhat out of place against the modern hustle and bustle of the Tokyo street, not that the matriarch of the Sumeragi clan was bothered by such things. She looked Subaru up and down with a critical eye. "Did Hokuto-san leave early this morning? You don't seem to be dressed to her usual standards."
"Huh?" Subaru looked down at his attire, then to the side where he caught sight of himself reflected in the window of a parked car. Only then did he realise that his head was uncharacteristically missing a hat, and the collared white shirt he was wearing was even in his eyes pining for some sort of accessory. Subaru's lips tightened as he remembered why Hokuto hadn't dressed him as was her normal routine. "I left in a hurry," he mumbled.
"In other words, you were running late." There was no note of disapproval in the twelfth Sumeragi Head's voice, instead she let her words speak for themselves. "Well, now that you have arrived, let us go inside where we can sit down and talk."
Subaru blinked. "Huh? But I'm supposed to meet someone regarding a job—"
He stopped as Lady Sumeragi fixed him in a patient gaze. "I am the one you are supposed to be meeting, Subaru-san. Haven't you realized that by now?" Subaru could only look chastened at this. "Come."
Subaru respectfully allowed his grandmother to proceed beneath the torii first before following a step later. The moment they crossed the busy activity of afternoon Tokyo immediately dropped, left behind at the gate not to disturb the shrine's grounds as the shrine's other visitors, predominantly elderly men and women, enjoyed the calm and peace that was difficult to find in the city. Once inside, Lady Sumeragi and Subaru cleansed their hands at the fountain before entering the offering hall to give their coin. Subaru used the moment of prayer that followed to calm himself. He had no idea what had brought his grandmother all the way from Kyoto to Tokyo, but whatever it was, it had to be important. He would have to be able to listen without distraction.
They sat down on a bench at the back of the offering hall. Only then did they speak.
"You didn't tell me you were going to be visiting Tokyo, obaa-chan," said Subaru. He watched as an old man made his prayer. "If you had said something to me I could have come to see you."
"I came to Tokyo to visit the Imperial Household. Whilst I was there, the head of the Investigative Bureau told me that he had an assignment for you. I asked if I could brief you about it directly, and he gave me all the details." Lady Sumeragi turned away a little. "There is also something of a more personal nature I need to tell you, Subaru-san."
Subaru frowned. "What is it?"
Lady Sumeragi took out a sheaf of papers from beneath her coat, the bells hanging from the fan tucked into her obi ringing as she did so. "Let's discuss the new job first," she said. "I'm sure that you're aware that there are numerous religious groups in this country – or rather, shinkō shūkyō. This request is from the Minister of Education asking you to conduct an inquiry into one of these groups."
"The Minister of Education wants to investigate a religious group?" asked Subaru in mild surprise as he took the papers.
"The number of shinkō shūkyō arising has considerably increased in recent years. Most of these have already been investigated by the government, but the problem with the religious group in question here is that it is comprised almost entirely of junior and high school students."
Subaru skimmed over the opening brief; it seemed vaguely familiar. "Are you sure it's not just a new form of cram school?"
"Cram schools don't have devotion assemblies in the curriculum. In any case, for obvious reasons it is impossible for the men from the Investigative Bureau to infiltrate such a group, which is why they thought of you. You're a high-school student; it would be no problem for you to join." Subaru decided now was not the best time to inform his Grandmother that it had been weeks since he had gone to a class and he wasn't about to return. "It's called the 'MS Institute.' Its location and the rest of the details are in that file."
MS Institute. That name definitely rang a bell. "Okay." His grandmother didn't say anything and Subaru continued reading, already focused on the work. As he progressed through the brief he frowned; he was sure he had done this case before, but his memory was being decidedly vague – hadn't something happened to one of the teachers? He wasn't sure.
"Subaru-san."
"Yes?"
"Are you all right here?"
Subaru looked up. Lady Sumeragi seemed to be watching him closely. "Ah, things aren't bad if that's what you're wondering," he replied, inwardly wincing as his memory threw him the image of his sister turned stiffly away – had he just told another lie? "Why do you ask?"
"When you last came to see me in Kyoto, you were behaving a little oddly," Lady Sumeragi replied. In front of them, a small group of camera-bearing tourists had come in and were exclaiming loudly over the hall's design. Soon the sound of snapping shutters was echoing through the sanctity of the hall. "I'm simply wondering how you are handling things living by yourself in Tokyo."
"I'm not by myself."
"You know what I mean, Subaru-san. Mature and responsible you and your sister may be, you are still only sixteen years of age and younger than I would like to be living by yourself in the city." Suddenly she gave him a penetrating look. "You do tell me if and when you're having trouble, yes?"
Subaru tried to sound reassuring. "There hasn't been anything I couldn't handle. Really, obaa-chan, it's almost as if you're expecting something to happen to me." Lady Sumeragi didn't reply to this. Something in her posture made Subaru concerned. "Is something wrong?"
His grandmother sighed. "I did a fire divination earlier this month. In it, I saw something about you."
The hairs on the back of Subaru's neck began to prickle. "Something about me?" he asked casually. The camera flashes were distracting, almost harsh. Somewhere, someone was admonishing the tourists. "What did you see?"
Half in shadow, Lady Sumeragi's face was unreadable. Subaru unconsciously tensed. "Sakura …" she breathed.
"Subaru-san walking into the sakura … and never looking back."
—he was in pain from his broken arm and the beating he had taken and the damage to his heart and still that person was smiling that glorious cold smile and all around him the flowers were so beautiful and he was going to be killed and he knew even in that moment of complete despair that he would accept it because it was that special person—
Subaru wrenched himself free of the memory and shoved it viciously back in the cell where it was supposed to be kept. No, he told himself, no, just because Grandmother saw that in the divination doesn't mean it's going to happen. It might not mean death; it might mean something completely different. The future is not yet decided. He took a deep breath, squashing the sudden stab of fear. His heart, however, refused to calm down. "Was there anything else?" he asked, hoping his voice didn't betray him.
Lady Sumeragi looked at him strangely, then turned away. "I have said enough. You are the thirteenth clan head, Subaru-san; you have your work to focus on. I will deal with this. Later, I will tell you – for now it is better that you don't know."
"But—"
"I said no, child. That is final."
Subaru stared at her in disbelief. He knew what his grandmother was doing, trying to protect him by keeping him in the dark, but even so he couldn't help but feel resentful. The use of the word 'child' only exacerbated the situation. For a moment he wanted to shout and demand she tell him – but no. She was his grandmother, his teacher and clan matriarch, and other than Hokuto, his only other family member. Glowering, Subaru sank back down onto the bench and glared at the unoffending floor. Such a good boy, aren't I.
Lady Sumeragi watched him. "Your gloves," she said abruptly, "have you taken them off?"
"Huh?" Subaru glanced down at his hands, encased in soft black leather – he hardly even noticed the gloves any more, so used was he to wearing them. "No, I haven't." Not that they make any difference.
Lady Sumeragi closed her eyes as if in relief or sudden weariness. "Oh, Subaru-san," she said softly. Suddenly she reached out to take his gloved right hand in her wrinkled one. As Subaru watched, surprised and uneasy, she lifted his hand to touch it to her forehead. Snow-white hair fell around his wrist like a curtain. "It's my fault, I should never have left you alone then. I've kept hoping that this would never come to pass, but this foretelling …"
She was shaking now, minute tremors beneath the heavy coat and kimono, but apparent all the same. Any irritation Subaru was feeling towards her was immediately killed; he wanted to do something, say something, anything to stop his grandmother from bending over his hand as if she were begging for forgiveness. "Obaa-chan—"
He gasped as the hand on his unexpectedly tightened, squeezing his fingers in a vice-like grip that was nowhere near as fierce as the eyes that suddenly met his. "Don't be led away by the sakura, Subaru-san. You, you must be strong – don't let the sakura seduce you!"
Subaru stared, disturbed and unable to speak. After a moment Lady Sumeragi let his hand go, her unprecedented public display of emotion over. Subaru turned away. It's too late for warnings, obaa-chan, he thought dully. Years and years too late.
* * *
Lady Sumeragi left immediately after the conclusion of their talk. She refused Subaru's offer of hospitality, saying that Tokyo was not a place she liked to stay in any longer than necessary, and even his offer to accompany her to the train station. Instead, a black government car, obviously pre-arranged, arrived outside the shrine at her service (much to the amazement of the rest of the shrine's visitors, especially the tourists who immediately started taking pictures). The most she would let Subaru do was escort her to the door that the driver respectfully opened for her. As always, Subaru wished her farewell and promised to come to Kyoto soon; as always, Lady Sumeragi told him to work hard on the new case. Then she was driven away. Subaru waved after her, wondering if she was even looking to see, until the car was out of sight. The moment it was, he began to run.
The subway station was a fair distance away on foot. Subaru was heaving for breath as he got his ticket, but dashed off through the gates anyway to the platform barely in time to catch a train to Kabuki-cho. There were a number of empty seats, and as the train began to move Subaru sank gratefully into one of these, taking some small comfort in the fact that at least for the next few minutes he couldn't do anything except wait and rest. Unfortunately, that left him free to think.
The description of his grandmother's foreseeing in the fire hadn't been particularly surprising. Subaru knew that the Sakurazukamori was inexplicably entwined with his future; he didn't need a vision to tell him that. However, in the previous time, his grandmother had done a similar fire divination, and the foreseeing from it had been something else. Subaru remembered his grandmother's words that time quite clearly …
"Sakura … the sakura steals Subaru-san away."
Subaru bit his lip nervously. Before obaa-chan said that in the foreseeing I was stolen by the Sakura. This time she said I walked into it. In both I still end up being taken by the Sakura, but stolen implies a lack of initiative on my part whereas this time I seem to be going of my own free will. How significant is that difference? Does it mean that I'm prepared to meet Seishirou-san? Or does it simply mean that the outcome is going to be the same, except this time I know what I'm getting into?
So many questions, so many possible interpretations. Having not had the vision himself it was impossible for Subaru to try and get anything useful out of it, but even so, the vision made one thing sharply clear: the end of the Bet was coming, and soon. Following it would be the day Hokuto was supposed to die.
Subaru hunched in on himself, trying to squash the little voice inside that was screaming that he grab time with both hands and demand it to a stop – panicking was useless and wouldn't accomplish anything. But the voice was stubborn and evaded all attempts at execution, instead thinning out until it was like a screech of fingernails on blackboard that was even worse than the screaming. Worst still, it had a point – as things were at the moment, Subaru didn't believe he was anywhere close to winning the Bet. Yes, he was certain that it was possible for the Sakurazukamori to feel emotion; he had seen it himself on the Final Day. But that one moment of admitted feeling had taken years to reach, whereas now Subaru had only weeks until the Bet finished …
I can't waste any more time. Subaru fidgeted restlessly in the seat, barely noticing the advertisements flashing past the windows. I have to devote myself to winning; I can't afford to be distracted. Maybe I should stop just working.
The bag that held his things lay heavy on his lap. Subaru stared at it, visualizing its contents and wishing the case-file for the MS Institute would disappear. There would be consequences if he turned the job down, serious ones, especially if it was a request from one of the government departments, and he didn't want to imagine what his grandmother would say if she knew what was going through his head right now. But Hokuto's life was at stake, and surely his grandmother would understand that if she knew.
If she knew.
If he refused the job having already accepted it, it was a given that his grandmother would ask why. Not just her, but Hokuto as well. Subaru couldn't tell them. Yet another secret he had to hide.
"You're hiding something, there's something you're not telling me, I know it!"
Subaru squeezed his eyes shut – back to that again, there was no escaping. It felt horrible to be so alienated from his twin sister, as if his gut was being stretched around a cold and slimy boulder. While they had argued before, today had been the first time they had actually fought and first time they had parted ways still angry. Subaru didn't know what was going to happen when he got home. Even if they both apologized and forgave each other, the memory of their anger and insults would linger at their back of their minds like the aftertaste of sour milk—
The train pulled up to his station. Subaru was already out of his chair and waiting impatiently at the doors. The moment they slid open he jumped out, hurrying through the ticket gate and taking the steps two at a time to get back to the street. He was too restless to wait for a taxi that would take him back to his apartment block, so he continued on foot at a quick walk through the narrow side streets. It wasn't overly far to home, and with any luck Hokuto should still be there either in his apartment or hers and he could tell her that he was sorry for yelling and everything would once again be well between them—
Subaru came to a familiar corner and stopped.
It was hard to read the sign in front of the veterinary clinic in this light, but then again, Subaru didn't need to. As he watched, the glass door for the clinic opened and two people came out. The first of them was a young woman, probably a university student, who seemed rather distressed. Her companion, a man about the same age, put an arm around her shoulders and guided her into the passenger seat of the car parked in front of the clinic. Once she was settled, he got in himself on the other side. There was a puff of exhaust fumes as the engine started up, then they drove away.
Subaru hesitated. He hadn't seen Seishirou since the night he had stayed over; in fact they hadn't had any contact at all. Schedules aside, it required a lot of effort to deal with the man especially given present circumstances, and in addition to that was just plain awkwardness. Most of the time when they saw each other Hokuto was present, a buffer between Subaru and Seishirou's attentions and an excuse to keep conversation casual, whereas being alone together carried with it the expectation of certain behaviour that Subaru wasn't comfortable with and found easier to simply avoid altogether. Though thinking back on it, when he had stayed over that night it hadn't been that bad, and Seishirou had been extremely solicitous, and lying with his head in Seishirou's lap had been actually rather nice …
Subaru blushed then was immediately irritated with himself. Stop it. You know Seishirou-san wasn't being kind because he was actually concerned for your welfare – it's the part he's supposed to play. Just because you care for him doesn't mean you can blind yourself to that.
It was a little too easy to decide. Subaru turned and headed down the street to the Sakurazuka Veterinary Clinic. Hokuto he would see tonight, he told himself, he would apologise to her then. He opened the door to the tune of the electronic chime and went inside.
"Ah, Sumeragi-kun!" The young woman who was the clinic's receptionist beamed as the door closed behind him. The veterinary assistant was with her – apparently Subaru had interrupted some discussion or other – and she too looked up at him with a smile. Before Subaru could even ask his question the assistant said, "Sakurazuka-sensei is with a patient at the moment, but you can go through and see him. He'll be glad to see you – we've been busy and the poor man has been on his feet the whole day."
"Thank you." Subaru nodded politely as he passed the two women – was the receptionist's smile a little knowing? He had never really wondered what the clinic staff thought about him and his very regular social visits to their employer before, but now that he was less naïve he could imagine that there were all sorts of things going through their heads, none of which he really wanted to know. At least unlike Hokuto they were tactful enough not to speak those thoughts aloud. Putting them out of his mind Subaru came to the door of the operating room and gave a hesitant knock. "Come in!" a voice called out.
An inexplicable shyness suddenly gripped Subaru, but it was too late to turn away. He pushed the door open and peered inside. Seishirou was at the operating table and was looking curiously over his shoulder. When he saw who his visitor was his expression softened into pleasant surprise. "Well, this is unexpected – I didn't think I would see you this week."
Subaru entered the room and closed the door behind him. "Hello, Seishirou-san," he said a little hesitantly. "Ah, am I bothering you?"
"No, no, you're never a bother." Seishirou gestured for him to come closer. "A couple of people just came in with an emergency," he explained as Subaru approached. "They said that she darted out unexpectedly in front of their car and they swerved too late to avoid her. The young lady who was driving was very upset, obviously, and since this was the closest animal hospital brought her here. I promised that I'd do everything to help, but … well, you can see for yourself."
Putting his bag on the nearest bench, Subaru came to Seishirou's side. Lying on an old blanket in the middle of the operating table was a young female cat, or rather, what was left of one. The front half of her body was untouched, but beyond her chest … even to Subaru's untrained eye he knew there was no hope. The car wheels had crushed her hindquarters almost beyond recognition, leaving little but a mess of blood and bone and torn muscle. Her stomach had been ripped open and a piece of raw intestine spilled out like a long thin worm releasing a heavy stench that made Subaru gag. Seishirou reached out to steady him. "Subaru-kun?"
Subaru lowered the hand he had lifted to cover his mouth. "The poor cat – that's horrible!"
Seishirou sighed as he went to get something out of the cupboard. "Cars are powerful machines; it's a miracle if an animal survives being hit by one. Sadly, that miracle isn't happening today."
Gently, trying not to breathe too deeply, Subaru reached out to stroke the cat between the ears. The grey fur was still soft. "Is there anything you can do?" he asked.
"To make her better? No, the injuries are too severe, and she's slowly dying as it is. The kindest thing to do would be to put her down."
Subaru's gloved fingers curled; even though he knew this was the only option he had briefly hoped that maybe, just maybe … the cat moved her head minutely, pressing into his touch as if seeking relief from the obvious pain she was in. "She doesn't want to die," he said softly.
"No, she doesn't." Seishirou sounded truly apologetic as he turned around; he had a syringe in his hand, filled with clear, deadly fluid. "But unfortunately that doesn't count for anything."
The words should have stung him, layered as they were in veiled meanings applicable to more than the doomed cat before them, but they didn't. Regretfully, perhaps even a little detachedly, Subaru watched Seishirou check the syringe for bubbles, then brush the fur along the cat's left foreleg looking for the appropriate place to insert the needle. Subaru moved his hand to cup the cat's head and scratch beneath the chin, trying to offer what comfort he could. Suddenly Seishirou paused.
"Subaru-kun."
"Yes?"
"You don't have to watch this if you don't want to."
"I'm all right."
Seishirou frowned. "Are you sure? It might upset you."
"I'll be fine, Seishirou-san," replied Subaru perhaps a little sharply. "Don't make assumptions."
The amber eyes looked at him strangely. "Very well," said Seishirou. Then before Subaru could say anything more, he pushed the needle into the upper part of the cat's leg and evacuated the contents into the bloodstream. The effect was almost immediate; Subaru felt the head tilt away from him as the muscles relaxed, and there was a hitch in the rapid breathing. The breathing restarted quickly, but slower and deeper even as Subaru maintained his soothing caresses. It wasn't long before the breathing stopped altogether.
The silence that followed weighed down the room. Wordlessly Seishirou removed the syringe then went to dispose of it. Subaru didn't move from the operating table; the cat's fur was still warm and soft, and he was reluctant to leave. He stared at the body, the strangeness of the juxtaposing parts; one whole and still recognisable as a cat, the other a weird disorder of fleshy innards and fluids exposed to light for the first time. It struck Subaru then that the inside of his own body wasn't much different from this. Suddenly he remembered Kotori, Kamui's childhood friend. He had never met the girl in person, only seen her in the moments before the wires that bound her to the cross had sliced her to pieces reducing her body into its components of broken limbs, guts, bone, sinew and blood …
"You surprise me, Subaru-kun."
Subaru blinked the memory away. "Hm?"
"The first time you watched me put an animal down, you wept. Now, your eyes are as dry as mine." Seishirou returned to the operating table holding a black bag. As Subaru watched Seishirou opened the bag and lifted the blanket on which the dead cat lay and put the carcass inside. Subaru watched this with a touch of sorrow; he knew it would be left in the cold room that was at the back of the clinic for a few days, and if no one claimed the remains would be picked up to be sent to the incinerator. "You've changed."
As casually as possible Subaru shrugged, trying to hide his sudden discomfiture. "I have?"
"Oh yes." Seishirou closed the bag. "You've grown up."
Subaru flushed. "Well, I'm glad someone's noticed," he mumbled. Suddenly he wished Hokuto was there. A buffer.
"It's rather hard not to." The bag was slung away to a place where the assistant would retrieve it then Seishirou a window opened thankfully letting in some fresh air. "Do you mind if I smoke?" Subaru absently shook his head. With a smile of acknowledgement Seishirou fetched his cigarettes and lighter from his coat then returned to lean against the open window. Expertly he flicked a tiny flame into existence, touching it to the end of the cigarette which immediately caught. Thin tendrils of smoke curled and danced in front of his face before being drawn outside – Subaru watched them disappear, suddenly wanting a cigarette himself but with a little effort ignored the habitual craving. Seishirou took a drag before speaking again. "Did something happen with Hokuto-chan this morning?"
Subaru started and stared in surprise. "How did you know?"
"Your clothes. Hokuto-chan would never let you out of the apartment looking like that on a normal day."
"Oh." Subaru turned away, blood heating his face. Seishirou-san can read me so well.
"Do you want to talk about it?"
He sounded so sincere, so curious, that even knowing that it was pretence Subaru felt himself wanting to open up to him just like that other night when it had been raining. Unlike that time, however, Subaru was not vulnerable and in need of comfort. "I-I'm sorry, Seishirou-san, but …"
"You need to deal with it yourself." Seishirou smiled to show that he was not offended. "I understand. Still, if you need anything, if you want me to talk to her—"
"I know who to ask." Subaru smiled shyly. "Thank you."
Seishirou nodded, his cigarette growing shorter and turning into ash. He stubbed it out on the windowsill and flicked it outside. "Still, I hope you pardon me if I speculate. Actually, Hokuto-chan and I have been quite surprised by you as of late. Sometimes you seem like a different person."
Minutely, Subaru tensed. "I'm sorry," he said for lack of anything else to say. Where was Seishirou going with this?
"It's nothing to be sorry about, in fact, it might be a good thing. Still, I do wonder, what happened to the cute boy I fell in love with?"
Oh, he definitely wished Hokuto was here now. "What you said yourself," replied Subaru as nonchalantly as possible, pretending to find something of interest on the blank operating table as he tried to think of a way to change the subject. "He grew up."
"Is that so?" Movement behind him, a shadow over the table – Subaru started, instinctively beginning to step away only to stop short and freeze as a pair of hands suddenly pressed down flat on the table on either side of him so that he was effectively trapped— "And may I ask what exactly does that mean?"
His pulse was racing; Subaru tried to calm it without success. He was painfully aware of Seishirou behind him, the man's familiar presence suddenly turned into a physical reality that was far too close for comfort. Somehow Subaru managed to hold himself from any untoward action – this was still the Bet and this was still in the clinic, so surely the Sakurazukamori was just playing … right?
Warm, nicotine-scented breath stirred the hair by his ear. "So tell me," said Seishirou, his voice deliberately casual. "Just how much have you grown up?"
Subaru couldn't answer. He stared at Seishirou's hands as they lay on the table; they were elegant hands, their strength hidden by refinement, and next to Subaru's own gloved hands which were almost gripping the edge of the operating table, blatantly free of any constraint. Their proximity to Subaru's was too near to be accidental – Seishirou's right thumb was virtually brushing the edge of Subaru's right hand, any actual contact insubstantial through the black leather. One movement of Subaru's smallest finger and he could change that, touch Seishirou's hand outright or at least the next best thing with gloves were still on. It would be so easy, require so little effort, but the significance of such an action, what it would mean … Subaru swallowed, unable to bring himself to make that movement even though part of him, that part of him that had accepted he loved this man, was yelling at him in Hokuto's voice to stop being such an idiot because Seishirou was making no attempt to move his hand any further as if he was waiting for—
A knock on the door made Subaru jump. Before he could say anything Seishirou took his hands away and stepped back – Subaru felt a pang of loss. "Come in!" said Seishirou cheerfully.
The door opened and the receptionist looked inside. "Sorry to disturb you, Sakurazuka-sensei," said the woman, briefly glancing at them – Subaru wondered how red his face was and whether she was going to gossip about this later on. "I thought I should let you know Matsura-san and her rabbit are here for their appointment."
"Thank you." The young woman smiled and left, leaving the door open. Seishirou turned to Subaru with a wry smile of his own as nothing had been interrupted. "Looks like I should get back to work. But I'm glad you dropped in – it was good to see you, even if only for a little while."
That was an implied dismissal if he ever heard one. "Y-yeah," said Subaru. He retrieved his bag, suddenly eager to get away and clear his head.
"Do you have a job this week?" asked Seishirou as he escorted Subaru out of the room.
"I just got one."
"Dear me, so I might not get much of a chance to see you over the next few days. Never mind; I shall persevere and treat you to something the first moment you're free." They reached the reception area and Seishirou gallantly opened the front door for Subaru ignoring the various looks from the clinic staff and waiting client. "Don't forget to take good care of yourself – you don't want to make Hokuto-chan worry."
"All right." Hokuto – was she still angry with him or was she recriminating herself as Subaru had been doing? Never mind, he would soon find out. Before that, though … out the door already, Subaru half-turned to look back. Politeness, if nothing else, demanded a proper goodbye. "I … I'll see you later, then."
"I look forward to it." Suddenly Seishirou reached out, and before Subaru could even think of reaching for an ofuda, ran the tip of his finger down the bridge of Subaru's nose. Subaru leapt back in surprise, one hand flying up to cover his face.
"Seishirou-san!"
Seishirou grinned, completely unrepentant as laughter and whispers were exchanged behind him. "So there's my cute little Subaru-kun. You weren't so far away after all." Subaru could only gape at him and continued doing so as Seishirou went back inside the clinic with a wave and a parting call. "Be careful on the way back!"
The glass door swung shut. Subaru lowered his hand and stared at it, his mind still trying to process what had happened. On the other side of the glass Seishirou was greeting his client and joking with the staff. Subaru couldn't hear their voices.
On the street, the shadows were stretching to the east. Slowly, thoughtfully, Subaru turned to go home.
* * *
The apartment was empty.
Standing in the shadowed doorway, Subaru looked over his perfectly cleaned kitchen and wondered why it made him uneasy. He had already checked Hokuto's apartment for his sister and when he hadn't found her there had thought she was still in his apartment, which would mean she was no longer angry with him. It was an unpleasant surprise to be wrong. With a sigh Subaru dumped his bag and coat on the kitchen bench, then without bothering to turn on the lights, went into the living area where he sank tiredly into the sofa. The forlorn sounds of his actions were immediately swallowed by the larger silence of the room. At this time of year it had already grown dark outside, and in the city countless points and patches of light were being structured into building-shapes whilst the roads had become streams of red and yellow car lights. The whole atmosphere was eerily reminiscent of his apartment in the years after Hokuto's death when he would return to dark, lifeless rooms, and the déjà vu filled Subaru with trepidation.
He missed his sister terribly.
Seconds ticked by, loud and methodical, marked out by the impassive clock. Subaru listened to them pass, trying not to think about the ordeal of filling in the long hours before sleep by himself; loneliness may have been a familiar companion and one he had managed to live with in those years after Hokuto's death, but he didn't like it. Already he was regretting having gone to see Seishirou – if he hadn't, if he had come home earlier maybe he would have managed to catch his sister before she left, maybe he could have arranged for the two of them to have dinner together. Of course, Hokuto could have gone out long before he had come home, in which case if wouldn't have mattered if Subaru had detoured to see Seishirou or not, but still, that maybe was there. He wanted his sister back, wanted her fussing over his clothes and to hear her singing in the kitchen, wanted to be held in her comforting embrace. For that matter, he wanted Seishirou's familiar presence tangible and close, wanted those amber-gold eyes to be watching him, the touch of Seishirou's hand—
Subaru flushed at the inadvertent thought before being immediately irritated with himself. Nice as the idea was in his head, it was a very different matter when it came to reality. Looking back on Seishirou's actions in the operating room that afternoon, Subaru could see that it had been a test, a challenging move on a go board aimed at forcing a response by which the opponent could be measured. Subaru could have done anything as long as he had done something, but instead had frozen in the hope that the decision would be taken out of his hands. It had probably been the worst thing to do.
"So there's my cute little Subaru-kun. You weren't so far away after all."
He sees me as a child, thought Subaru wearily. Just like Grandmother and Hokuto-chan – they all see me as a child and treat me as such. Though with Seishirou-san … is it really so surprising?
Perhaps not. Their encounter that afternoon had been unnerving, not just because of what had transpired, but also because of the realisation it had brought: that to be in a relationship with someone was to allow certain liberties to be taken with his own person. It was a concept that Subaru was far from comfortable with even knowing his feelings for Seishirou, partly due to the old, ingrained training about the consequences of lowering his defences, partly due to his reserved nature. Seishirou wasn't going to do any harm to him whilst the Bet was going on, but that condition didn't extend to protect Subaru from embarrassment, and if Subaru could be embarrassed just by the veterinary assistant walking in on Seishirou leaning over him like he had been, how bad would it have been if she had found them doing anything else?
Anything else. The two words covered a lot of things, and thanks to Hokuto and Seishirou Subaru's mind could immediately jump to the more interesting possibilities. Despite being alone in the apartment Subaru blushed, one hand covering his mouth as if to contain his rather scandalous thoughts, thoughts he was ashamed to admit, gave him some secret delight—
A loud ringing suddenly filled the room. Subaru blinked, realising it was the phone. Immediately he thought of Hokuto – maybe she was calling to let him know she was coming home. He went to answer it. "Hello?"
"Sumeragi Subaru-san?" The caller was male and spoke with an air of impatience. Disappointed, Subaru answered that yes, it was he. "I'm calling on behalf of the Minister of Education. He wishes to extend his thanks and gratitude for you in accepting the job."
Job? What job? Subaru frowned, then, catching sight of his bag lying on the kitchen counter, remembered. "Oh, okay," he said mechanically, still pre-occupied with the whereabouts of his sister. Suddenly his eyes widened – the Bet, Hokuto-chan, time – and he grabbed the phone as if to physically stop the conversation from going further. "A-actually, wait!"
"I've also been instructed – yes?"
Even now Subaru hesitated. He knew should take the job, he really should, responsibility and duty demanded it, and given that it was a specific personal request from the government the consequences of him turning it down, especially after his grandmother had already spoken on his behalf, would be serious. On the other hand, there was Hokuto and Seishirou, and the potential cost to them if he said yes to the job …
"Dear me, so I might not get much of a chance to see you over the next few days."
Against those he loved, everything else weighed nothing.
"Sumeragi-san?"
Subaru took a deep breath, preparing himself. "I'm sorry," he said as calmly as possible, "but I cannot accept the job."
There was a short pause. "I beg your pardon?"
The words were laced with a mixture of disapproval and disbelief that made Subaru tense. "I have to decline the job," he said, trying to restrain the sudden need to blurt out the reasoning behind his decision. Given the type of person who was calling him, he doubted it would have made any difference anyway.
"Sumeragi-san." The man sounded as if he was doing his best to keep his temper in check. "Let me emphasis to you that this case is a personal request from the Minister of Education who is one of the foremost members of this country's parliament. You cannot simply decline this job."
Subaru began to feel a little irritated, not so much at the man he was speaking to – from the sound of it he was probably nothing more than an aide who had instructions to follow – but rather, at his grandmother for getting him into the situation in the first place. "I'm sorry," he repeated yet again. "I understand that Gr— my predecessor already spoke to you about this, but it was before she consulted with me. I'm afraid that – that certain circumstances prevent me from taking this job." Still disapproval radiated off the phone and Subaru wavered just a little. "If you like I can recommend another onmyouji that might be able to—"
"That will be unnecessary." The man gave a long sigh. "It's obvious that you've made up your mind, and I am going to have to consult with the minister about what further action to take. I can say already that he's going to be disappointed."
Subaru winced. "Please give him my apologies."
"Of course. Good night, Sumeragi-san."
The call ended. Subaru stared at the phone in his hand at the moment then put it down expelling a breath he didn't even know he had been holding. It had been awkward to decline the job like that, immensely so, but on the other hand it felt good. Before he had accepted almost every job he had been given purely out of a desire to avoid such confrontations and not make trouble for anyone. His obaa-chan was going to be absolutely furious with him, he knew that, but if this meant that he could spend more time with Hokuto and Seishirou, then so be it.
Still, he had to admit that he felt rather guilty. After all, they had asked for him specifically to take the case, just like last time … Subaru suddenly felt uneasy. If he had taken this case originally, what was going to happen this time having turned it down? Up until now he had for most part followed the same events that had happened when he had first lived this life and thus known in general what was to come in future. It had been safe, familiar – and finished with Hokuto's death.
Perhaps it was about time that Subaru went into uncharted territory.
Subaru admitted he felt a little frightened.
The clock chimed. Seven o'clock. Subaru moved to turn on the lights. No matter; his decision was made, and he was going to have to live with it and everything it would bring. Right now he just hoped that it would bring him his sister. Leaving his bag abandoned on the kitchen bench Subaru went to cupboard and got out a pack of instant ramen. With any luck by the time he had finished dinner Hokuto would be home. If not, well, he was quite prepared to wait up for as long as needed. She would come home, he would ask for her forgiveness, and everything will be as it once was.
Or would it? Even if he apologised and Hokuto and he stopped being angry at each other, it didn't mean that he could tell her the truth of what was going on or what had happened to him. Ever since he had woken up in this time, he had been living each day pretending to be a person he now longer was …
An unpleasant realisation struck. Now that Subaru thought about it, he had lived nine years longer than his twin, and warped as they had been, he still remembered them and the experiences that made him the person he was now. By comparison, Hokuto was still the girl she was before she had died. Simply put, Subaru had nine years of life over his twin sister.
"Of all people's hearts I know yours the best, but now I can't understand it! It's still Subaru, and yet sometimes I think it's not – I can't recognize my twin brother anymore!"
We've grown apart, thought Subaru unhappily. Hokuto-chan is still the person I know and remember, but me, I'm not the same for her. After she died I became a person she would not have known, and in a way I'm still that person. I'm not the brother she knew in life, and I can't go back to him. Innocence once lost is gone forever.
It's not the same as what Seishirou-san did – is going to do – but in a way, I'm still losing my sister.
Something wet touched the side of his nose. Angrily Subaru lifted an arm and wiped the offending tear away with his sleeve. "It's not fair," he said softly to the empty apartment walls. "I'm doing this to save her, why must things be this way?"
The walls didn't answer.
Chapter Eight Annex II | Chapter Ten