Ode To Joy
by Leareth

published 1999

Earth ... the stone on which I rest.

Air ... surrounds us and gives us life.

Fire ... the dying sun burns red.

Water ... into which I stare, searching for answers.

The waves are constantly in motion, but peaceful. Calm. Unlike my own life, my choices.

Tabris must join with the one from whence we came, thus bringing the Lilim to the final stage. Destiny.

But Kaworu is hesitant.

I have lived, and I have watched the Lilim through their existence. There are times when I was curious, there were times when I was indifferent. There were times when I wept and times when I smiled.

The Lilim’s fate must be decided. They live, and in doing to they hurt and kill each other.

I can stop this.

But, also, they live, and they touch. They create music, beauty. They love.

I would stop that too.

Tabris is silent now, Kaworu is dominant. But I have been sent by <i>them</i> and soon it will be time.

Then I must choose.

What should I do?

It was not me who wondered this, though I might as well have. Rather, the one who stood on the shore of the lake.

He had not noticed my presence, wrapped up as he was in his own turmoil. But that was his nature.

What should I - he - do?

For the present, lift our spirits.

I sang. He stared at me but I did not look at him. The strain of music ended.

I spoke first. "A song is good."

He responded in confusion.

I continued. "A song brings joy and revitalises the human soul. I think that song is the highest achievement of the Lilim culture, don't you agree, Shinji Ikari?"

I turned to look at him.

A boy my own age – of this physical body – but whose eyes reflected much suffering for one so young. It inspires sympathy - or, something ... more.

"You know my name?" he asked.

From my high perch above the water, I laughed a little.

"Everyone knows your name," I said teasingly. "I don't mean to sound rude, but you are rather ignorant of your own position."

But, being as shut off from contact as he was, it was not so surprising.

"I am?" replied he, surprised. "Who are you?"

Who am I indeed? Tabris or Kaworu?

To him ...

"I am Kaworu. Nagisa Kaworu. I am like you, one of the selected Children. The Fifth Child, in fact."

Yes, to replace the one who had suffered at Arael's hands, the one who now hid from the world.

"You're the Fifth Child?" exclaimed he. "Nagisa-kun ..."

Instinctive formality – he is hesitant accepting friendship and instinctively keeps people away.

"Call me 'Kaworu,' Ikari-kun," I teased.

He blushed. "Ikari-kun!" he said, embarrassed. "P-please, you can call me Shinji."

I laughed. The first barrier between him and me was broken.

He stood in silence for a while, wondering what to say. Finally he asked me, "How did you get there?" referring to the stone on which I rested, feet dangling down towards the orange water, nearly falling ...

"I flew."

I smiled. He laughed. It was the truth.

"Would you like to join me?" I invited.

I wanted his company.

"I can't jump that far," he protested.

"Why not? I'll catch you."

He looked apprehensively at the water between us. "What if I fall in?"

He was fearful, afraid to do anything in case he failed. Scared to believe in himself, of people, of pain - afraid to love.

But I could teach him otherwise.

"If you fall in ..." I said, standing up. "You may discover something new."

I dived into the water and retrieved the object that I had caught my eye before.

Perhaps this broken figurine had graced the shelf in the home of someone who had lived here peacefully until Armisael's arrival and her sacrifice to save the one who I spoke with. (Did she feel the same emotions as I do, about him?) The wings reached high, the dark blue glass catching the sun's dying rays. The hands reached out to touch something it could no longer see, for the head had broken off.

This angel would never fly again.

Shinji stared at it in wonder as I reached the shore. I held it out to him.

He took it.

 

* * * * * * *

 

Almost immediately I had to demonstrate my aptitude for piloting the Evangelion designated as Unit 2.

She dressed herself in white in a room next to the one where myself and Shinji dressed in blue.

She does not know what she was.

But I do. We are the same.

 

* * * * * * *

 

Perhaps my abilities surprised them. Perhaps suspicion began to arise in their minds.

I know Shinji's guardian is uneasy with me.

But there is nothing they can do about it.

Our fates are decided for us – we cannot choose.

Or can we?

 

* * * * * * *

 

I waited for her at the top of the stairs.

She was startled.

"You are the First Child," I said.

She did not speak.

"You are Ayanami Rei ..." I whispered. "You are the same as I am. We have both taken the Lilim's form as our body to live on this planet."

Her eyes, crimson like mine, narrowed.

"Who are you?" she asked softly.

I smiled at her but did not answer.

 

* * * * * * *

 

He was waiting for me.

I exited the door and smiled as I saw him, hunched over, music playing in his ears.

My song.

"You were waiting for me?" I asked.

He began to blush, his uncertainty with others showing again. "Oh, no I was – yeah, I was waiting – I mean ..."

"What are you going to do for the rest of the day?"

"Well, the usual test was over and, I was going to have a shower before I went home. But, I don't want to go home these days," said he uncomfortably.

"You have a house, or a home to go to," I replied. "That fact makes you happy." I smiled. "That is nice."

"I-it is?"

"I want to talk with you some more," I said. "May I come with you?"

"Huh?"

"I mean to the shower. Aren't you going to shower?"

"Yeah ..."

Uncertainty again. Shying away from emotional contact.

I wanted to help him, enjoy his company for the few hours we had together.

"You mean no?"

"Oh, yes. I don't mean no."

 

* * * * * * *

 

Water, cleansing. Soothing.

Washing away Tabris's certainty, and Kaworu began to doubt Tabris's destiny.

My companion was uncomfortable. I began to speak.

"You avoid contact of the first kind at all costs. Do you fear to feel other people?" He was silent, so I continued. "Being ignorant of others, you will never be betrayed or hurt, though you will never escape from the loneliness. A person cannot erase sadness forever.

"Everyone is alone."

I gently laid my hand on his. Even this light contact made him gasp, and he tried to pull away.

I continued.

"However, people can forget, and so they are able to live."

The lights shut off.

"Oh ... It’s time," said Shinji.

He sounded reluctant ... as was I.

"It's over?" I asked.

"I have to go sleep."

"With me?"

He reacted, startled.

"Ah... no, you are provided with your own, different room."

"Okay."

I stood up, the water dripping away. He stared.

"People always feel pain in their hearts," I said, not looking or touching him. "The heart is easy to wound, that's why it hurts to live. In particular, you are delicate like glass."

"Me?" he questioned.

"Worthy of love."

I turned to him.

"Love?" he repeated hesitantly.

"I’m saying, I love you."

He froze. He did not, however, break eye contact.

Neither of us spoke.

It was I who turned first. I took a towel and covered myself while he remained in the water, uneasy.

"I believe it is time for you to return to your home," I said.

He broke out of his trance.

"Um, would you mind if I stayed at your place?" he asked as if expecting a refusal.

I turned, half-clothed, and smiled at him.

"I would be honoured to have you stay."

 

* * * * * *

 

As if believing himself deserving of punishment, Shinji took the floor.

"Really, I should be on the floor," I said more than once.

"Oh, you shouldn't. It was I who asked you to let me stay here," he replied, staring up at the ceiling. It was unfamiliar to him. "It’s okay if I sleep on the floor."

Silence. He wanted to speak, but was afraid to.

"What do you want to say?" I asked.

"Huh?"

"You have something that you want me to hear."

As if eager to speak, after holding it back for so long, the words tumbled out.

"I've experienced many things since I came here," he said. "I was at my teacher's before. It was calm and boring I suppose. I did nothing but exist. That was fine with me. I had nothing to do."

The words stopped.

"You dislike people?" I asked.

"Well, I don't really care," he replied. "But I really hate my father."

Ah yes. His father, who by abandoning him as a child, forced Shinji to shut himself away from others.

But I understood. And loved him. I wanted to comfort him, teach him that he was worthy of love.

I laughed, then sighed.

I sensed him turn to face me. Smiling, I looked at him.

"I might have been born to meet you, Shinji Ikari," I said softly.

"Why do you say that?" he asked.

I reached out with my right hand and caressed his cheek.

He closed his eyes.

"So fragile, so soft," I murmured. "You Lilim are so delicate - and yet so strong."

I slowly moved off the bed, my fingers tracing the contours of his face.

"You believe you are unworthy to be loved, as much as you long to be loved, so you shy away from contact, afraid to take the risk lest you be hurt. But, do you remember, that someone will catch you?"

He seemed to shy away. Gently I stopped him, and finally, he relaxed, perhaps for the first time letting all shields and defenses down.

"And even if you fall, you will discover something new ..."

I came to rest beside him, and drew him near to rest his head on my shoulder.

There was a wetness on his cheek.

So deserving of love, yet you did not have it.

The tears came on for real and I let him cry as I held him close.

 

* * * * * * *

 

We did not sleep for some hours, as Shinji talked, a second outpouring of words as he opened himself up to me. When something disturbed him, I was there to hold him, comfort him.

He soon slept, but I did not. I stared at him, a peaceful smile on his face.

It was Tabris’s destiny to bring destruction to Mankind.

But Kaworu could no longer do it.

I stroked Shinji’s face.

Something alerted me. I sat up.

They were calling.

I quietly arose and drew the covers tighter around him. Casting one glance at his sleeping form, I left the room.

 

* * * * * * *

 

They were waiting, at the stone where I had been when I first laid eyes on Shinji.

The monoliths appeared, one by one surrounding Tabris standing on the stone.

I spoke first, seemingly to the casual observer, to the empty air.

"Humans are unable to create something out of nothing. They must have something to start with - because humans aren't Gods."

It was the first who replied. "But there is a man who seeks to gain power equal to God’s."

"There is a man besides us who wants to reopen Pandora's Box," said another.

"And who wants to close the Box before Hope can appear," yet another intoned.

"Hope?" I replied. "That is the Lilim's hope?"

Kaworu slept in Shinji’s arms, Tabris spoke with the members of SEELE.

The monoliths spoke again.

"There are as many forms of hope as there are people."

"Because hope exists only in the hearts of people."

"But 'our' hopes are materialising ..."

"In Lilith, progenitor of humanity - the false successors from the Black Moon ..."

"And in Adam, progenitor of Angels - the true successors from the lost White Moon."

"And whose salvaged soul resides only within you ..."

"But whose revived body is already inside Ikari," said the first monolith.

I was the vessel of the soul they desired to return to Adam, the one to whom my soul belonged.

A question rose in Kaworu’s mind.

Does this mean that I do not truly live, if I have no soul of my own?

No. My soul resides in me. Therefore, it is mine.

I can feel pain, I can feel desire, I can feel happiness, I can feel ... love.

I feel all these and more - therefore, I exist.

I closed my eyes and smiled, hands in my pockets, the clothes Kaworu wore.

"Shinji's father ... Is he like me?"

Shinji’s father, the soul of a Lilim but whose form contains the body of an Angel.

Myself (Kaworu or Tabris?), the form of a Lilim but the soul of an Angel.

"That is why we now entrust our hope to you," said the first.

The monoliths of SEELE vanished.

I stood there, meditating on what had passed.

But there was another, watching ...

Shinji’s guardian, who stared at me even as I looked up and smiled at her.

Tabris sighed.

"Everything is going according to the Lilim's plans."

 

* * * * * *

 

I did not sleep, even when I returned to my room where Shinji lay. I leaned on the wall, content to look.

It was the day our fates would be decided, yet the day began with us as friends or something deeper, rather than enemies.

"Kaworu?" he asked drowsily, looking for me.

"I am here, Shinji." I came to sit beside him.

He smiled shyly at me.

"Come, we must go," I said, pulling him up.

"Where to?"

"NERV."

He changed and we turned to leave.

In the doorway, I paused. Stared about the room where I had lived for less than a day. It meant little to me, only as the place where I Shinji and I had slept.

"You know something, Shinji?"

"Hmm?"

"We both slept on the floor last night."

He laughed, more comfortable and we set off.

 

* * * * * * *

 

All too soon, our ways had to part.

Kaworu did not want to, but Tabris felt the calling that came from deep underground.

I stopped in the empty corridor. Shinji looked at me curiously.

"I must go," I said. I reached out and took his hand.

"Huh?" he said confused.

He would understand. Soon.

"Whatever may happen, I wish for you to know one thing," I whispered. Reflexively he drew closer to hear my words, his face near mine, his darker eyes staring into my own crimson ones.

"Shinji, I love you. For all eternity."

I touched my lips to his, then pulled away.

We looked at each other for a long time, Shinji trying to say something but couldn’t.

"I ..." he said, then trailed off.

He could not finish saying a short phrase of three words that if said, would decide for me that I would not return to the one who waited underground.

I smiled at him. I knew what he was trying to say.

"I know. Goodbye."

 

* * * * * * *

 

Eva 2 stood there silently, four eyes glaring down.

"It is time," said Tabris, as Kaworu was shut away. "Come, servant of the Lilim, let us go."

I stepped off the bridge. I did not fall.

Levitating above the chasm below, I silently called it to me.

The four eyes flashed.

It had begun.

 

* * * * * * *

 

I proceeded down, down deep into the belly of the building where it waited, calling.

Resistance was futile as my defender vanquished any attacks.

I summoned my shield.

They tried everything possible to stop me, but the red demon at my side destroyed every barrier, every obstacle.

I waited for him to come to me.

 

O Freunde, nicht diese Tone! Sondern, las uns angenehmere anstimmen ...

 

But he did not come – not yet.

Someone told him that Kaworu was gone, and Tabris was descending to the final stage.

I felt his pain, denial of the truth he feared.

 

... und freuden vollere ...

 

"Shinji, you are late," I whispered.

Then he came in pursuit, angry, hurt.

He screamed.

"You betrayed me!"

I have no choice.

"You betrayed my heart!"

Shinji ... my beloved Shinji...

"You betrayed me just like my father did!"

You know not how this pains me.

This must be done. For your sake, and for the sake of mankind.

The words wounded Kaworu deeply, but Tabris, unmoved, kept descending.

 

... Freude, freude, freude, freude, schoner Gotter-funken, Tochter aus Elysium ...

 

He came at last.

"I’ve been waiting for you, Shinji," I said simply. He tried to attack but my red champion held him at bay.

He screamed my name, but Kaworu did not hear.

 

... wir betreten feuertrunken, Himmlische dein Heligtum ...

 

He whispered words of apology to the soul of the one who hid herself from the world.

The knives flashed.

I wondered aloud.

"The Eva series was born from Adam, born from Man’s antithesis. Yet the Lilim are willing to use that which they hate the most in order to survive."

 

... Deine Zauber binden wieder, was die Mode streng geteilt ...

 

"I do not understand ..."

 

... alle Menschen werden Bruder, wo dein sanfter Flugel weilt ...

 

The knives locked together, the energy blowing my silver hair back.

"Kaworu, stop!" Shinji screamed desperately. "Why are you doing this?"

 

... Deine Zauber binden wieder ...

 

Tabris spoke, painfully conversational whilst I watched, emotionless.

"Your Evas and I are composed of the same matter."

 

... was die Mode streng geteilt ...

 

"Born from Adam, I can synchronise as long as there is no dominant soul – and the soul of this unit is now hiding itself. Thus, Eva Unit two is <i>mine</i>"

"NO!"

 

... alle Menschen werden Bruder, wo dein sanfter Flugel weilt...

 

Shinji’s knife slipped and hurtled towards me – and stopped, mere inches from my face.

"You have your own A.T. field?" he gasped in shock.

Any doubts that remained in his mind were now gone.

"Yes. At least, this is what you Lilims call this thing. This is the light of my soul, sacred territory where no one may intrude."

 

... Wemder grose Wurf gelungen, eines Freudes Freud zu sein ...

 

"Aren’t you Lilim even aware yet? That your so-called ‘A.T. field’ is merely the barrier that encloses every mind that exists?"

 

... Wer ein holdes Weib errungen, mische seinen Jubelein ...

 

"I don’t understand what you’re talking about! Kaworu!"

 

... Ja, wer auch nur eine Seele sein nenntauf dem Erdenrund ...

 

The red demon’s knife plunged into the body that contained Shinji. He screamed in pain.

Kaworu wanted it to stop, but Tabris must continue.

 

... Undwer’s nie gekonnt, der stehle weinend sich aus diesem Bund ...

 

I’m sorry, Shinji.

 

... Ja, wer auch nur eine Seele sein nennt auf dem Erdenrund ...

 

But there is no other way.

 

... Undwer’s nie gekonnt, der stehle weinend sich aus diesem Bund ...

 

This is Mankind’s fate ... thought Kaworu. The hope of people is the thread of sadness ...

I closed my eyes, and the barrier rose around us.

 

... Freude trinken alle Wesen an den Brusten der Natur ...

 

Tabris’s destiny was nearly fulfilled – but Kaworu was grieved.

 

... Alle Guten, alle Bosen folgen ihrer Rosenspur ...

 

I do not want to do this.

 

... Kusse gab sie uns und Reben, einen Freund, gepruft im Tod ...

 

But I have no choice!

 

... Wollust ward dem Wurm gegeben ...

 

Don’t I?

 

... und der Cherub steht vor Gott ...

 

We continued descending, down, down, down, until we impacted on the ground with such force that the foundations shook.

 

... Kusse gab sie uns und Reben, einen Freund, ge pruft Tod; Wollust ward dem Wurm gegeben, und der Cherub steht vor Gott ...

 

"Kaworu! Don’t do it, Kaworu!" screamed Shinji desperately.

 

... und der Cherub steht vor Gott ...

 

He tried to follow me but the red demon prevented him from doing so.

Again, they fought.

Kaworu looked at him sadly.

Tabris stood in front of the portal.

 

... steht vor Gott, vor Gott, vor Gott ...

 

It opened at my mental command.

Heaven’s Door was open

I stepped through.

 

... Freude, schoner Gotterfunken, Tochter aus Elysium ...

 

The place began to shudder.

Something invaded my barrier. As strong as mine, it broke through, allowing the observers above to watch our confrontation.

It was her, the one called Rei.

 

... wir betreten feuertrunken, Himmlische, dein Heligtum ...

 

She stood above, expressionless, as the blood that flowed through her veins and mine provided her with the power to generate her own barrier.

 

... Deine Zauber binden wieder, was die Mode streng geteilt ...

 

It was through my intervention that allowed her to do this. I had awakened the knowledge within her.

But it mattered not anymore.

Her barrier disappeared as suddenly as it came.

 

... alle Menschen werden Bruder wo dein sanfter Flugel weilt ...

 

It waited, a giant white figure hanging on a cross, head hanging down and the seven eyes, the seven eyes that made the symbol for SEELE, stared at me, at the two giants battling, at the one who stood above us.

Even as Tabris stood there, ready to fulfil his destiny, Kaworu spoke.

"Adam, that from which we came. Must one who is born from Adam return to Adam – even though it will destroy all Man?"

 

... Deine Zauber binden wieder, was die Mode streng geteilt ...

 

There was something not right though ...

"Wait ..."

It was not the one I had searched for.

"This is – Lilith?"

Shock, realisation that I had been tricked.

"I see. I understand now. Lilith - the Lilim ..."

 

... alle Menschen werden Bruder, wo dein sanfter Flugel weilt ...

 

A resounding crash as the red demon fell, and Shinji entered.

Tabris faltered, and Kaworu returned.

 

... Seid umschlugen Millionen ...

 

Without hesitating, Shinji grabbed me in his right hand.

I smiled at him.

"Thank you, Shinji," I said softly, though he – and those listening above, could hear. "I wished you to keep Unit Two. Otherwise, with her, I might have survived much longer."

 

... Diesen Kus der ganzen Welt ...

 

"Kaworu, why?" he asked, still not understanding.

I am the Angel of Free Will. I can choose my destiny.

And I choose him.

"I am destined to live forever, even if humanity is annihilated as a result. However, I am able to die. To be or not to be. It makes no difference to me. In fact, death may be the only absolute liberty there is."

 

... Seid unschlugen Millionen ...

 

"What, what are you talking about? Kaworu!" He was almost weeping now, and my heart ached. "I don't understand! Kaworu!"

 

... Diesen Kusder ganzen welt ...

 

"This is my wish."

I would die, but he would live. That was all that mattered.

"Now, destroy me. Otherwise you will be destroyed. Only one life can evade the destruction and seize the future."

My sacrifice, his future.

"And, you are not the one who should die."

Enveloped in his hand, the orange liquid below, I looked up at her. She did not smile.

 

... Bruder ...

 

I turned back to him, the one I loved, the one who I wanted to kill me.

"You need the future. It is what you live for."

 

... Uberm Sternenzelt ...

 

His hand shook.

 

... museinlieber Vater wohnen ...

 

"Thank you, Shinji. My life was meaningful ... because of you."

I held his gaze.

 

... Bruder ...

 

He wept, as did I.

Remembered memories ... a rock, a lake, a shower, a bed ...

 

... Uberm Sternenzelt museinlieber Vater wohnen ...

 

Love.

 

... Ihr sturtz nieder ...

 

I love you ...

Were they his words, or were they mine?

Or were they both?

 

... Mi ...

 

A flash of pain, then nothing.

I am the Angel of Free Will.

I have chosen.

 

+ owari +